Letters from People

News Chunks

2010-12-21T10:48:00.004-05:00

The Palin Strikes Back

Everyone’s favorite abstinence counselor slash teenage single mother, Bristol Palin, has made it to the finals of Dancing with the Stars.

She’s advancing to the finals despite the judges saying she was less qualified than the other dancers. When she heard, Sarah Palin winked at her husband and said, “She gets that from me.”

A Wisconsin man was so angry with the results that he shot his TV in disgust.

-On the positive side he now has a flat screen TV.

-His wife said it’s nothing new, we lose a TV every time a Target commercial comes on.

Darwin Juice

Makers of Four Loko have agreed to stop shipments to New York when the city (in a Godfather voice) made them an offer they couldn’t refuse.

For those of you not in the know, Four Loko is an alcohol infused energy drink. Yes, an alcoholic beverage that gets you drunk but gives you the energy to stay awake so you can make even more bad decisions.

All those times you were drinking, waking up with so many questions. Now you’ll be able to stay awake and finally figure out what happened to your pants.

State liquor authority said that a minor working undercover for the police was illegally sold Four Loko at 11 of 28 stores in the Bronx. So get this straight, kids, you’re too young to drink alcohol, but you’re old enough to be an undercover cop.

11 out of 28 stores. The kid would have bought Four Loko in every store but he stopped outside the other 17 to buy crack.

Dearest of Readers

2010-09-04T11:32:00.006-04:00

To the reader(s?) of Letters from People:

You get to decide. The reason for the lack of posts is because Cory:

A) has discovered internet porn.
B) is experiencing a surge in stage-time and is devoting his minuscule amounts of available time to working on his act.
C) is currently on tour with Barney on ice.
D) is tired of the confining parameters of this blog, but not technically savvy enough to do anything about it.
E) is learning to spell diahreah.

Rest assured, Cory will be back with more posts at some point in the not-so-distant future.

The Club

2010-09-04T11:24:00.004-04:00

Global News Update

2010-06-15T00:04:00.006-04:00

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is another edition of the “Letters from People” Global News update. Enjoy.

A plumber helped deliver his son in his bathroom. Doctors say within three months his son's head should stop looking like a plunger.

Tar balls have been found off Key West which signifies the oil spill is spreading or those water tight baby diapers aren’t working.

A Minessota car accident unleashed 17 million bees. So many pent up bees, so few flowers, National Geographic's calling it Floral Bukake.

Fran Drescher talked about her gay ex-husband. It was love at first sight and gay at first sound of her voice.

Arizona Gov. to meet with Obama this week to discuss immigration. The meeting will not take place in Arizona due to Obama being unable to find his ID.

John Mayer had a mystery illness which forced the cancellation of his European shows. Doctors couldn't find his ailment but agreed his body was a wonderland.

Sarah Palin blamed environmentalist for the gulf disaster. She said the U.S. wouldn’t need so much oil if they’d stop using all of it to drive to the forrest and hug all those trees.

McDonald’s recalled 12 million toxic Shrek glasses. People who drank from them reported turning green and seeing everything in 3-D.

Tennis sensation Laura Robson has called some competing players sluts. Rivals say she’s good at tennis and bad with men for the same reason: She constantly whacks balls to other girls.

A N.C. candidate is attempting to debunk the myth that he's a drug addict with a criminal past. If elected, he'll prove it right after he pardons himself.

Rush Limbaugh weds wife #4. Promises not to eat this one.

Obama spoke at a high school graduation. He then offered students with acne jobs in the gulf citing their years of experience in oil displacement techniques.

A recent study finds that video gamers bodies are like 60 year old chain smokers. 60 year old chain smokers protested the study saying it unfairly links them with a bunch of unhealthy virgins.

Tea party candidate Fiorna was caught on camera criticizing opponent Barbara boxers hair style. The following are excerpts from their debate on MTV’s Yo Mama:

Your hairstyle is so bad...

-not even John Edwards would sleep with you.

-Donald trump wants the number of your stylist.

Your hairstyle is so old...

-Dick Cheney remembers waterboarding it in highschool.

-Congress has passed a bill making it a historical preservation site.

-Your lice have moved on to the iron age.

A Harvard student brought from Mexico to the U.S. at 4 may be deported. Immigration says they would let him become a United States citizen but after studying at Harvard, he's now overqualified for the job.

The U.S. has dramatically increased oil spill estimates again. Officials credit a female inspector who said life has taught her that men are always lying when they say, don’t worry, not much will come out.

A man found $58 dollars in dog doo. Which he then used to buy $58 in hand sanitizer.

Animals and fish are fleeing the gulf oil spill. Scientists are now testing the effects of massive amounts of oil on sea life by studying swimming areas frequented by the cast of The Jersey shore.

Global News Update

2010-05-31T11:55:00.000-04:00

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here’s another official “Letters from People” Global News update.

Prosecutors say a man sexually assaulted a female passenger on a plane. It all started when she asked if she could eat his nuts.

Bill Clinton raffled himself off to pay down Hillary’s campaign debt. Non-bidding women at the auction agreed, why buy the cow when you can milk him for free?

Study shows children in rural areas just as likely to die from guns as kids in city. Millions of taxpayer’s dollars prove that no matter where you live, a bullet will kill you.

A Georgia history teacher let students wear clan outfits. The activity was a response to students asking what white people did for fun when they ran out of Indians.

A Kaplan college teacher told students they can't speak Spanish in class. Rules clearly state if you’re smart enough to speak two languages, please go to a real college.

Octomom united with PETA for a spay and neuter campaign. Look for her on posters above the word “Before.”

A Missouri school is fining students for cursing. First offense is five dollars, second is 10, and on the third they just give up and enlist you in the Navy. The principle said that regardless of their connection to staff no-one would be favored pointing out that recently a teacher even fined her student for cussing while she had sex with him.

Lady Gaga loves rumors that she has a penis. It's keeps attention away from the tasseled scrotum.

Obama heckled his heckler at a fundraiser. The President first berated the man's multi-colored sweater, then asked him how he'd like it if he came to his house kicking teleprompters off of his stage.

Tennis star returns after breast reduction surgery. Networks cancel first match scheduled to be in 3-D.

Letters from People's Global News Update

2010-05-16T17:18:00.004-04:00

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is the official "Letters from People" Global News update.

NFL defensive rookie of the year, Brian Cushing, tested positive for fertility drugs. All suspicions were laid to rest when, after winning the big game, Cushing bypassed dumping Gatorade on the coach, and instead broke his water over him.

A growing number of economists are encouraging students not to go to college. And thus, poor people, begins your first college test: What should you do when encouraged not to go to college by a secure, well paid, highly educated economist worried about the rising price in lap dances?

Sammy Sosa is reportedly black again. Doctors say he’s recovering quickly but warned that he may never dance well again.

An overwhelmed UCLA student faked her own kidnapping. She was planning on just dropping out but thought, as a theatre major, she should spice things up.

Playboy is set to unveil a 3-D centerfold. The magazine is said to be killing two birds with one stone by making the 3-D activate only when the reader sticks the pages together. It's the first copy of playboy where things will shoot out from the page as opposed to onto it.

Letters from People's Global News Update

2010-05-11T16:54:00.000-04:00

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is another official “Letters from People” Global News update.

A report on government abuse shows members of congress used military transportation for even local travel. One congressman said his military escort was necessary because he was going mattress shopping and was afraid of running into Al Qeada sleeper cells.

The New York based maker of Arizona Tea got caught up in a boycott. The California based Pennsylvania Sushi Taco makers union thinks protested the tea saying it's disingenuous.

Rep. Gene Taylor of Michigan compared the Gulf oil spill to chocolate milk saying it will eventually break up. Residents who have to live near the spill have compared his re-election campaign to the after effects of eating a burrito saying at first there is a lot of noise and then, boom, it gets flushed down the toilet.

The Pentagon revealed the secret number of nuclear warheads in it’s arsenal. Many have criticized the government for being too open but pentagon officials say no one can argue against the fact that this has been the most effective strategy for eliminating Al Qaeda spy networks.

Tennessee republican Tom Kirkland says in his military days "Gays were taken care of.” He wouldn't explain how, but pointed to his book debuting next year called, "Foxhole Lovin."

A California woman is raising 36 foster children. Her online dating profile says, “Must like kids/potential basketball teams.” She says she doesn’t worry about the kids running away but hasn’t found a way to keep that from happening when she brings home a guy home and tells him, “Try not to wake up my 36 kids.”

An Australian town was forced to import sperm from the US. The Australian clinic, seeking the fastest most direct route to massive quantities of unused American sperm, put an add directly onto Xbox live.

Apps for a galaxy far, far, far away from here.

2010-05-10T19:59:00.008-04:00

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Seeing as how you are a geek, we thought you might be interested in the following exciting products soon to be available to a select few in the galaxy.

Letters from People's Global News Update

2010-05-07T16:45:00.000-04:00

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is the official "Letters from People" Global News update.

Texas governor, Rick Perry, shot and killed a coyote while on a jog. He then turned to the camera, said, "MEEP, MEEP!" and sped off.

Mad men actor Vincent Kartheiser says he lives in a home without a toilet. Neighbors questioned his lack of basic necessities but stopped when their gardens began to flourish.

Refried bean swastikas were smeared on the Arizona state Capitol windows. They were later wrapped in tortillas and set ablaze as crowds cheered the opening of the Mexican-German festival.

A Nebraska court house features an official picture of President Obama smoking. Officials claimed they weren't being racist, they just needed a quick replacement for the pic of a monkey they used to have there.

Brazil’s Health Minister’s solution for the nation’s rising high blood pressure is to have more sex. He delivered the entire speech, back to the audience, facing his wife.

An anonymous donor gave a $17,000 diamond to the good will.The next day a homeless guy bought it for .25 cents.

Teen gives up bid to sail around the world solo. His girlfriend called and said okay, I get it, I'll show you my boobs already.

Letters from People's Global News Update

2010-04-26T23:06:00.006-04:00

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is the latest edition of the “Letters from People” Global News update. Enjoy.

A woman found a rat in a Chef Boyardee can. Hurry kids, if you want to be allowed in the magical Boyardee factory, there are only seven more rats out there!

As protests continue the US warns citizens about travel to Thailand. Officials especially warned men hoping to pick up young Thai girls saying that if the woman has a bulge in her pants, whether protester or not, you’re about to be robbed of something.

Nebraska’s Gov. is set to sign a bill requiring women to be screened for mental health before being allowed to have an abortion. Republicans rallied around him after statistics showed that allowing mentally unstable women to terminate their pregnancy would cause future shortages in tea party membership.

A California man made threats to Nancy Polosi because he was angered over health care. He later apologized, admitted he was a recently laid-off health insurance claim inspector, and said keeping people in pain is a hard habit to break.

An Alaskan eagle survived a death spiral plunge after a mid-air mating dance.The worst part of it all is the eagle didn't even like the other bird but was just being a wing-man for his friend who flew off with a chubby pigeon.

Michelle Obama made an official visit to Mexico. During her tour she found a new way to help obese American kids that involves factory work sponsored by the Gap.

Cookbook recipe calls for ground black people. To be fair, right before that it says to smash all the crackers.

A poll finds tea party backers wealthier and more educated than the general public. How white are these people? Let's just put it this way, some of them were calling John McCain the n word.

S.E.C. staffers were busy watching porn as the economy crashed. They said women at the bars repeatedly rejected they're I.P.O’s so the needed a way to get their stocks up.

7-eleven introduced their own brand of beer. Company execs say it's just one more exciting product they can offer customers wanting explosive diarrhea.

RSS Feed

2010-04-11T22:57:00.003-04:00

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is yet another edition of the “Letters from People” Global News update. Enjoy.

Police have arrested two women after they tried to enter a plane with the body of a dead relative. They got caught when the stewardess asked him if he wanted aisle or window and they responded with, “Overhead bin, please.”

Virginia Governor Robert McDonnel brought back confederate history month without mentioning slavery. It’s part of the state’s new “Visit the Real Virginia” tourism campaign which also offers guests a mullet, a “I heart shotguns” wife-beater, and free front teeth removal.

The Wisconsin D.A. threatened to arrest sex Ed. teachers.The teachers, deep into the lesson, were reaching the climax of their lecture when they were prematurely pulled out and the lesson was blown.The D.A. claimed some of the class themes were too big for high school students to which the teachers replied, it's not the size of the lecture that counts but the material within it.

Kate Gosselin says it remains a challenge being a mother of 8 kids and competing on a hit show. Most Americans can relate to that as it remains a challenge to watch Kate Gosselin get on another hit show.

An Australian doctor declared that the cure for all common health ailments is a strong dose of Vitamin D. Experts question the validity of his statement especially because he announced it while standing on a bar stool and pointing at his thrusting pelvis.

Letters from People's Global News Update

2010-04-04T22:45:00.004-04:00

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is another edition of the “Letters from People” Global News update. Enjoy.

A Florida urologist is refusing to treat Obama supporters. They’re easy to spot he said because their urine sample cup is filled with hope.

Flash mobs gathered in around 150 cities worldwide to take part in international pillow fight day. Feathers were flying everywhere, it got so exciting that while flying overhead, not wanting to miss out, two ducks turned and slammed into each other.

An Amazon rep. claims a lost package was eaten by an alligator. They got it back though because it turns out even the digestive system of a croc. can't handle Sarah Palin’s new book.

US rep. Hank Wilson opposes adding more troops to Guam for fear the island will tip over. He also wanted to add a limit to the distances the navy could go in order to keep them from falling off the earth. And recently after watching Harry Potter he pushed for a bill to end British dominance of magic schools.

Movie Review

Clash of the Titans: Best comedy of the year. Just like the first one without all the messy character development. And best part ladies, now every time your man goes the bathroom you get to hear: Release the KRAKEN! Oh, and if it hadn’t been for the two minutes of 3-D footage in the 2 hour movie, fans may have felt cheated.

Global News Update

2010-03-28T19:18:00.004-04:00

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-A sweeping school lunch bill cleared the senate panel. The committee members stated that unlike cafeteria pizza, this bill will pass through us.

-More couples are putting off divorce until the economy turns around. Wives say their investment got nothing but limp returns, while husbands say the market’s a real bitch.

-The Democrats passed sweeping health legislation. The Republicans have vowed that, come November elections, Democrats will regret making voters so healthy.

-Lindsay Lohan recently fell on a cactus. At first she was angry and wanted to tear it out, but then she changed her mind, felt bad for it when she was heard it hadn’t had a drink in weeks.

Global News Update

2010-03-20T15:31:00.000-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is another installment of your weekly Global News Update.

-Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy broke up. Fans around the world are showing their support by pretending to not know the two were ever dating or that they even exist. Hewitt says it has nothing to do with recently seeing one of his movies for the first time.

-Navy moves to allow women on submarines. All men serving on subs reported periscopes up and ready to dive.

-Hundreds of people were stranded on the New Jersey transit train for five hours. The smell of filth and urine filled the air but luckily the passengers couldn’t smell it because they were inside the train.

-Utah House Majority leader Kevin Garn resigned after revealing getting naked 25 years ago in a hot tub with a 15 year-old girl. In his defense he was getting in the hot tub, she was there, and he’s a firm believer in no child left behind.

-David Beckham tore his Achilles tendon. Doctors are now advising sports enthusiast patients to not bend it like Beckham.

Global News Update

2010-03-10T14:29:00.001-05:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is a little more of what you missed throughout March.

-Former Basketball player Winston Bennet says during his career he slept with over 90 woman a month. His signature move on the court was the same in sex: Two pumps, shoot, and hustle out of there.

-Vice Pres. Biden took a moment to honor the memory of the Irish Prime Minister’s Mom who is still alive. The Prime Minister then pointed out she always looks that way after St. Patrick’s Day.

-A study shows that dogs originated in the middle east. There is very little record of them in the west until the introduction of the fire hydrant.

-Pepsi is dropping out of schools worldwide by 2012. It turns out coke wins because its vending machine buttons are lower.

-Obama called for an overhaul of the “No child left behind policy.” Obama wants to change no child left behind, Bush wants no child left behind, and Clinton wanted people to touch his behind.

-Final Fantasy VIII sold 450,000 units in America in one day. Protesters complained about the cruel name saying the guys playing it weren’t fulfilling any fantasies let alone the final one.

-The government is investigating the use of contractors to track and kill militants. Hopefully it’s not the same contractors that supply the government with toilet paper or we can expect the militants to just become red and irritated.

Global News Dump, Feb.-Mar.

2010-03-01T14:13:00.000-05:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here's the Global News we dug up for Feb.-Mar. Enjoy.

-Nick Jonas announced a solo tour for January with his new band which he formed to work on songs “not quite right for the Jonas Brothers.” So in other words, he’s trying to make music that doesn’t suck.

-Two brothers living in a cave inherited $7 billion. When first informed their only response was, “YABADABADOOOOOO!”

-300 Disney World Monorail passengers were stuck due to a power outage. After reaching the hotel three hours later, passengers were delighted saying it had been the shortest wait for a ride all day.

-The Princess and The Frog debuted at No. 1 at the box office. Surprisingly nearly one in five moviegoers were adults without children. Meaning if you saw “Princess” this weekend you’re either a parent, in the wrong theatre, or appearing on next week’s “To Catch a Predator.”

-A study shows that kids who are spanked are more well adjusted later in life. By "well adjusted," they mean the kids have turned 18 and can move away from the parent that’s spanking them.

-The much anticipated James Cameron film “Avatar” debuts this Friday. Everyone loves it already even though no one has seen it, in fact, a committee in Oslo has awarded it the Nobel Greatest Movie Ever Prize.

-Congress is drafting a bill to turn the volumes down on commercials. The bill faces strong opposition from the powerful Mute Button industry.

- A “World of Warcraft” playing mom was accused of luring a Canadian teen away from home and having sex with him. She didn’t quite know what she did wrong so the judge explained in a way she would understand. "Lady, a level 46 troll can't have sex with a wizard’s assistance who has no control yet over his magic staff."

Global News Dump, Jan.-Feb.

2010-02-01T15:25:00.000-05:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

We apologize for our extended absence. Global recession, fading of print media, a "what the hell am I doing with my life" period - you get the point. Here's some snippets of what you missed in Jan. and Feb.:

-McDonalds is considering rolling out a dollar breakfast menu. Even with the smaller portions though, experts agree, the healthier choice is still just to eat the dollar.

-A Florida baby missing for 5 days was found alive under a bed. You can imagine the mother’s surprise when for the last five days she found she was breast feeding the cat.

-The Yankees had their victory parade on Friday. They had considered holding it on a Saturday but with the unemployment rate at 10% city officials expect a big turnout. (100% of city's 10% unemployed)

- The University of Iowa medical center says a cat contracted the H1N1 virus. Which means that not only is the virus jumping from species to species but right now 45 million Americans have less health insurance than a cat in Iowa.

-A stolen VW Bus turned up at the port of LA, 35 years after being reported stolen. Discovered by four teens and their dog Scooby, the old man in the car screamed, “And I would’ve gotten away with it if it hadn’t been for you meddling kids!”

-A&E network unveiled the Jackson TV show. It’s a show about Michael Jackson’s four less talented brothers called “Is This It?”

-Steven Tyler has reportedly left Aerosmith although his lips have agreed to stay on with the band.

-The creators of “Got Milk?” have launched the “Raise your hand for chocolate milk” campaign. Most kids couldn’t so they launched the “Raise an eyebrow, twitch a muscle, or show us you can still move for chocolate milk campaign.”

-Sen. Robert C. Byrd has become the longest serving congress member. Despite being wheel chair bound and in ill health West Virginians continue to re-elect him. When an out-of-state reporter asked how he felt he replied, “Do the right thing. Kill me now!”

Pending Publication....maybe....I hope...again.

2009-12-14T00:34:00.000-05:00

Check back soon.

Looking for love in all the wrong...

2009-12-06T14:17:00.002-05:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

As requested, here is a look at your local competition - the two guys with the most hits in your neighborhood.

Sincerely,

Yapoo Online Dating

24 Hour News

2009-11-30T01:33:00.005-05:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,
Here are the transcripts you requested from the GNN news report. Thank you for watching.

Bob Sheckle: We interrupt your weather report to bring you this breaking news. Golfer Tiger Woods has been in a car accident. Let's go live to the scene with our Eye in the Sky reporter, Jerry Jerkovsky.

Jerry: As you can see Bob, we’re flying over Tiger Woods’ house. This is where he stays when he's not getting into car accidents and being treated at hospitals that don't allow in our reporters. As you can see, there in that window is Tiger Woods’ father taking a dump. He probably has no idea his son’s in the hospital yet and is apparently unaware we're filming him. He's been in there 30 minutes, definitely not getting enough fiber in his diet (zooms in).

Bob: Nor has he been chewing his food. Yikes! Thanks, Jerry. We have yet to confirm any injuries but if Tiger Woods does get injured, what will happen? We turn to our panel of experts. As car injury specialists, what can Tiger Woods take away from this experience?

Crash Test Dummies: No idea, Bob. But we do know that he could learn a lot from a dummy.

Bob: Thank you. Lets go to our arm injury specialist, live via satellite, Helmut

Von Spankem. What kind of potential problems could Woods run into if his arms were hurt?

Helmut: Well, if both his arms are hurt, and let's say a political leader rides populist rage and public discontent to become the countries ruthless autocratic dictator, then Tiger Woods would have a hard time properly saluting him. Of that I’m sure. But, if just one arm is hurt, research shows he'll experience problems putting jam on his toast and have trouble waving to friends while climbing trees.

Bob: Thank you, Helmut. Now we turn to our celebrity expert, Jennifer Lopez. Jennifer, what can Tiger expect if he injures either butt cheek?

Jennifer: Because he's such a great golfer and has real talent, Bob, hurting his ass really wont hurt him at all. I think myself and Kim Kardashian are the only two people in the world who could have career ending butt injuries. Oh, and maybe Rush Limbaugh because, he is himself, a complete asshole.

Bob: Well, Jennifer, I think I'm speaking for everyone who's ever micro-waved a cantaloupe and gored a hole in it while thinking of you when I say I hope that never happens. Coming up in the next hour: we have exclusive interviews with a homeless guy, a cat, and two blind guys who witnessed Tiger Woods accident. Stay tuned...

Prince's "Your Kiss" revised

2009-11-16T01:34:00.001-05:00

RSS Feed

2009-11-09T00:16:00.004-05:00

Dear Readers of Letters From People,

Until further notice, the weekly jokes you usually see here are now being sent to an iphone app called "This Just In." If you have a smart phone, download it and check out the jokes. It's filled with hilarious jokes delivered to you by top writers who contribute to Conan, Letterman, Kimmel, SNL, the Daily Show, and the New Yorker, as well as cartoonists who draw for the top papers and alternative weeklies.

Cory will however, continue to post various things of a funny nature on a weekly basis so keep checking back.

Be careful what you wish for...

2009-11-09T00:12:00.004-05:00

RSS Feed

2009-11-01T23:34:00.005-05:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

- Senator John Kerry said the Afghan surge proposal goes too far, too fast. He said inserting enlarged troops to surge too early could force a premature evacuation. He added that Afghanistan is not one of those, “wham, bamm, thank you, Islam, kinda countries.”

- After research showed they don’t work, Disney’s offering refunds for Baby Einstein Videos. This is a brilliant strategy. No receipt, required. We’ll give you your money back in full; just bring the video in and admit your kid’s an idiot.

They still plan to sell the videos, they’ve just repackaged them to say, “Make Your Baby Make Other Babies Look Like an Einstein.”

- Michelle Obama and Mrs. Jill Biden attended game one of the World Series. They helped throw out the first pitch and Mrs. Biden gave a speech. Mrs. Biden Delivered a speech instead of her husband who was replaced due to the teams not wanting to start three hours late.

- A woman is accused of offering sex for World Series tickets on craigslist. The ad said for tickets she’d not only let you play on her field, she’d let you score a homerun. It’s good the police are focusing on these crimes. God knows we don’t want anyone scoring before the game starts.

- Mel Gibson’s girlfriend gave birth to a baby and released the following photo to the press:

Pending Publication....maybe....I hope...again.

2009-11-01T23:33:00.002-05:00

Sorry, really. Will post as soon as I know if it's being published or not.

RSS Feed

2009-10-26T00:03:00.007-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-Oprah is going to have Sarah Palin on her show. She has been doing all she can to prepare. She’s been reading Palin’s new book, memorizing questions, and receiving enough botox to conceal any hint of disgust.

- Madonna’s New york neighbor is suing her over noise. Madonna said she was sorry but the Kabbalah diet calls for a lot of fiber.

- A Louisiana court justice refused to marry an interracial couple. When delivering the rejection the judge was flanked by two beat boxers and said:

Yo, yo, as I strike my gavel,

your plans unravel,

Now let me see,

who set this black man free?!

Bailiff, what did you say,

our president is - no way!

Black and white, that can’t be,

I’ve gotta get cable TV.

You two wanna have a kid?!

No way, uh uh, that’s not how it goes,

can’t have another Barack,

this case I do close!

Yeaaaahhhhhhhhh!

- Lifetime is pulling the balloon boy’s family’s “Wife Swap” episode from the schedule. New balloon boy themed shows that might possibly replace it are:

Kate+Eight go to archery practice with guest star Jon the new Balloon Boy: Watch as Kate lets daddy get to just the right altitude before showing the kids how to loose the ‘thunder and rain.’ “No sweety, not at the balloon, aim a little lower.”
Balloon Girl Paris Hilton the Storm Chaser: Faced with a faltering career, Paris Hilton agrees to let producers send her via balloon into the heart of tornadoes. Live or die, this is good TV.
Night Rider starring Kit the Balloon: “Michael, perhaps you don’t need that 11th martini.”
24: Jack Bauer has 24 hours to put off eating, sleeping, and pooping while he tries to stop a nuclear balloon.

- Microsoft is very happy with it’s newest operating system. They have had it tested and Windows 7 raises the security bar, experts say.

The New Magic 8 Ball: Reality Version

2009-10-25T23:38:00.003-04:00

RSS Feed

2009-10-19T00:42:00.002-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

- A 1st grader brought a multi-tool fork/knife/spoon to show off at school and was suspended for 45 days. You can’t be too strict with these kids these days, the school has a zero tolerance policy, especially after last years Twinkie extortion ring.

- A fugitive was busted after making a cop his friend on Facebook. The fugitive had no idea he was an officer when he poked him. After putting him in jail the officer said now he’ll get all the pokes he needs.

-Ten months into his presidency Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace prize. He shared the stage with a 6 year old boy awarded for finding the cure to cancer 26 years from now. People have started questioning the legitimacy of the committee ever since they made Myspace pages and listed Tila Tequila, Dane Cook, and Tom as their top friends.

- Jon Gosselin of “Jon and Kate plus 8” has been ordered to return $180,000 dollars to Kate. Jon said he understood the kids need new clothes but then pleaded, “Do have any idea how much a date costs in LA?”

- The group of businessmen trying to buy the Rams dropped Rush Limbaugh as a partner. They had problems with his trying to save money in the contract by stipulating that all black players be transported game to game by boat in shackles. He said it was an ongoing effort by the left to destroy conservatism. By left he means everyone who hates him and by conservatism he means old crabby guys with lame radio shows.

- On the eve of the vote for health care reform, the insurance industry released a study saying that the proposed bill will wind up costing more than advertised.

The study showed that keeping all Americans healthy and happy was going to cost almost as much as the insurance industry spent on the study.

They said the bill had striking similarities to one of their insurance plans. They tell you how much it’ll cost, then when you use it, it costs more.

They used a simple formula to come up with the results: Credible science guy + facts = true results ÷ new summer house for formerly credible science guy = new facts.

Pending Publication....maybe....I hope.

2009-10-19T00:41:00.004-04:00

Coming soon...

RSS Feed

2009-10-12T01:51:00.002-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly “Global News” update.

- The Dalai Lama chastised the US for not doing enough to close the gap between the rich and the poor. He said having too many people walking around in robes without shoes would ruin his look.

The Dalai Lama’s a jobless, shoeless guy, walking around in robes and not running Playboy, yet he’s giving wealth creation advice. That’s like David Letterman giving Bill Clinton sexual harassment training.

- An Ohio court ordered ordered a statewide halt to executions after the last lethal injection was botched. A panel of experts is evaluating new, more effective lethal methods to kill dangerous murderers including: The Republican health care plan, visits from Michael Jackson’s physician, and a 24 hour marathon of watching Dancing with the Stars.

- Levi Johnston, Sarah Palin’s grandbaby daddy, has shown up in a new ad for “Wonderful Pistachios”. It’s part of their marketing campaign to hit the untapped potential of the white trash market. They are seeking that lucrative trailer-park dollar.

- Ever the busy man, Levi has agreed to pose for playgirl magazine. Playgirl offered him a deal he couldn’t refuse: We’ll give you your 16th minute, you show us 3 inches.

His good friend Kanye told him he should do it and he trusts his good judgment.

He also signed with NBC to make a reality show about the experience. It’s going to be called “The Biggest Loser.”

Apparently, Sarah Palin is a decent photographer, she said she would jump at the chance to shoot him.

Sarah Palin pre-ordered 10,000 copies of the magazine. Moose season is coming and she said she needs to work on her aim by shooting at something small.

The US government is buying the rights to Levi’s pictures for it’s upcoming abstinence campaign.

The photo shoot will be titled: Alaska, where it snows so much, even the trash is white.

A Conversation with Me

2009-10-12T01:43:00.002-04:00

Will be back....

RSS Feed

2009-10-05T02:16:00.004-04:00

Dear Cory,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

- Matt LeBlanc - Joey from “Friends” - will be starring in a new sitcom. Resisting network execs calls to stick with the same old formula that works, he’s doing things different this time. He’ll star as an out of work musician named Bobby, who’s living in Chicago upstairs from his 3 best friends. The show will be called “Acquaintances”.

- Obama says he is going to make it increasingly difficult for Iranian companies to ship goods around the world. Fearing a shortage of Iran’s most popular exports, before sanctions take place, International companies are rushing to stock up on as many rocks, hate, and, Ahmadinejad bobble heads as possible.

- European Union will set lower default listening levels for MP3 players encouraging users to not listen to music at levels that could hurt them. God is said to be pretty angry about having to find another way to weed out these morons.

- Senate Republicans rejected a pair of public option proposals. They said a public option would hurt insurance companies, which in turn would hurt their campaign financing, which would cause them to lose their re-election, which would finally lead them to not having health insurance.

- A Texas judge cleared the way for gay couples to divorce. Alimony is to be paid by the spouse with the least amount of Barbara Striesand CD’s.

- Democratic congressman Alan Grayson accused Republicans of having only one health care plan: Get sick, and die quickly. Outraged republicans immeadiatly called for an apology and corrected what they said was a misquote. What they actually said was: Get sick, and if you’re a democrat, die quickly. Kanye West burst onto the floor, grabbed the mic, and said, “Joe Wilson’s You-Lie comment was better.”

- US researchers say recessions may actually be good for your health. Turns out that along with your internal organs, Cup ‘O Noodles kills cancer too.

Answering Machine Messages Inc.

2009-10-05T02:15:00.003-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here are the custom made answering machine greetings you requested. Please share them with your friends and family and don't hesitate to let us know when you need more.

Sincerely,

Answering Machine Messages Inc.

RSS Feed

2009-09-28T02:27:00.002-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News Update.

- Signs of water have have been found on the moon, proving there had been some tampering with the original moon landing audio. What Buzz Aldrin really said was, “This is one small step for man, one giant LEAK for mankind....whew, that Tang goes right through me.”

- Microsoft unveiled it’s new super-secret electronic tablet, the X-PENsive. Their slogan is: And you thought chicks wouldn’t do you before!

- New census data shows 76% of Americans, even if they divorce, only marry once. The other 24% have at one time or another, been married to Larry King.

- An ear infection hospitalized David Hasselhoff, not alcohol. Hasselhoff’s representitives said consumption of alcohol had nothing to do with his hospitalization. It was the beer that dripped into his ear while doing a keg stand that got him.

- LA city council voted to limit residents to one rooster per household. Andy Dick cried fowl claiming it wasn’t the government’s place to tell him how many cocks he could have at one time.

- Mackenzie Phillips, former childhood actress and daughter of musician John Phillips of the 60’s band “The Mamas and the Papas” has put out a book detailing her incestuous relationship with her father. The book debuted right under “How to Listen in on your Parents doing It” on the “BOOKS I’D POKE MY EYE’S OUT BEFORE READING” list.

From Random Penguin Publishing

2009-09-28T01:21:00.011-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Don’t let those end-of-summer blues get you down. Random Penguin Publishing house is having our annual “End of Summer” blowout sale. Check out some of our most popular selections.

Yes Woman

Inspired by the book “Yes Man”, a woman decides to say, “yes” to anything she is asked to do. Various chapters include farm animals, a Turkish bathhouse, and the author, another girl, and a cup. The book ends abruptly when she visits a dorm for Sumo wrestlers.

Hard-Core Gaming for Dummies

Wow! You must be a F#%king Dummy. Why else would you buy this book?

Up, up, down, down, A, B, A, B, masturbate, dummy. Welcome to the world of hardcore gaming! Pop tarts, Klingon Warrior T-shirts, and chaffed foreskin - yes, learn how to eat, dress, and feel just like a hard core gamer. No man boobs required. Comes with a free 8 oz. jar of vaseline.

How to Look Gay Even Though You’re Not

You don’t have to be gay to be tough, you just have to look that way. All the bad-ass without the sore ass. Learn secrets from the experts like putting on chap-stick while staring at another man, using the middle urinal so the next person has to stand next to you, and having esoteric philosophical debates with the dudes while standing naked in the locker room. Comes with secret website password for www.tightt-shirtlocater.com.

Stuff White People Like to Write About Other White People

Let’s face it, white people are so crazy. One thing white people like is to write books making fun of other white people. And then white people love to buy it and say, “That’s so true, I really do love sushi!”

Hitler had Diarrhea

From the best-selling author of “Tom Cruise has Itchy Balls: Demystifying Celebrity Mystique”, comes this new fact-filled tome sure to surprise even the most informed experts.

Did you know:

Dracula was a vegetarian. That’s right, he only drank hippy blood.

Frankenstein won’t tell you what part his master forgot to put on.

Attila the Hun was a good father.

Godzilla only gets angry when people mispronounce his name.

Martha Stewart can’t eat children’s limbs without ketchup.

Tuesdays with Morrie’s Wife

From the best-selling author of three books almost exactly like this one. Morrie’s gone. But Mrs. Morrie’s still around and she could use a friend. A gooood friend. Now it’s play time. Oh yeah, don’t worry, Morrie, I’ll watch over her.

Rich Dad Porn Dad

So you were wondering how daddy got all his money, huh? Johnny’s parents are out and it turns out his dad has an interesting video collection. “The Hammer 5”, sure I’ll watch...hey that pizza delivery guy looks a lot like, wait a minute, that’s my...Rich Dad Porn Dad

RSS Feed

2009-09-21T01:14:00.004-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,
Here is your weekly Global News update.

-New York City officials want to ban smoking in city’s parks. Health Commissioner, Thomas Farley, said Monday that no parent should have to breath smoke on the sidelines of their kid’s game while they’re yelling at the ref or beating another parent senseless.

-The house voted of disapproval on Rep. Joe Wilson for yelling, “You Lie!” during a presidential address. His punishment will consist of a romantic dinner with Nancy Pelosi, bed time stories with Joe Biden, and serving beers to President Obama and the next black guy who gets arrested.

-The Iraqi shoe-thrower claims he suffered torture in jail. He said they locked him up alone in a room full of shoes with an impossible-to-hit, fast moving target of George W. Bush.

-Paleontologists said they discovered a scaled down version of Tyrannosaurus Rex which calls into question recent theories on T-rex evolution. They said they could do nothing more to confirm their theories until they had John McCain look at it.

-Obama wants to junk Bush’s European Missile defense plan. Bush said Obama was getting soft, and Obama said if you saw Bush’s missile, you’d get soft too.

-Doctors implanted a tooth in a woman’s eye to help her see again. She said, day by day, her vision was improving and nothing could stand in her way of seeing again, except fo the tooth in her eye.

-Hollywood is abuzz as Harrison Ford, 67, said he is ready to make the fifth “Indiana Jones”. The Movie will have a surprise cameo from John McCain playing Indies younger brother. This will be the first Indiana Jones with no night scenes due to Ford’s contract stipulating a strict 6:30PM bedtime. The studio exec’s promise bigger explosions and more suspense culminating in a scene where Indie hides in a fridge and, during a nuclear explosion, jumps a shark.

A Brief History of People who have yelled, "You Lie!"

2009-09-21T00:03:00.007-04:00

RSS Feed

2009-09-13T23:45:00.003-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly global news update.

- Kraft is said to be in talks to finance an 8 billion dollar bid for Cadbury Chocolates. The Kraft CEO said 8 billion was nothing to finally find out what the hell they’re putting inside of those eggs.

- Ellen DeGeneres is set to become the next American Idol judge. Some fans were displeased, saying they wanted someone with musical talent. Ellen said she totally understands, she felt the same way when they hired Paula Abdul.

- Women’s Health magazine has revealed Michelle Obama’s secret for sculpting sleek arms. It turns out, it’s not easy being the hands that cover Joe Biden’s mouth.

- “The Beatles: Rock Band” video game drew crowds of shoppers. Buyers said the game changed and empowered them. Before buying it they had no musical talent and now they’re Guitar Heroes. And instead of being lonely, they now call themselves masturbation warriors.

- First lady Michelle Obama promises to be commencement speaker at George Washington University if the community completes 100,000 hours of community service. Her speech will begin with, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, you reached 100,000 hours of community service! The bad news: with this job market, you’re probably going to be doing a hundred thousand more.

List of Volunteer opportunities already popping up:

-Carve “Levi” into Sarah Palin’s bullets.

-Hold back Nancy Pelosi’s face until the botox arrives.

-Ride the bicycle connected to Dick Cheney’s heart.

-Change John McCain’s diapers on burrito night.

Roommates

2009-09-13T16:19:00.003-04:00

Dear Cory,

Look, I remember the verbal agreement we made that night you came into the kitchen and turned on the light. Haven’t forgotten it. No, sir. But here’s the deal. I’ve had a few kids. And by “a few”, I mean a thousand - don’t hate the player. And, well, they gotta eat, so why’d you freak out like that?

Now I’ll admit bringing out the whole family like that was a little much. But it was Saturday night. You know, or at least I thought you did, that’s when I take the whole family out for a meal. Not trying to pour salt in any wounds, but I mean, what were you doing home so early?

Besides, how could you leave those pizza boxes wide open if you didn’t want us snacking on them?! And those tasty bread crumbs under the toaster? You were begging us to eat them!

I just can’t believe you freaked out and set those traps. You sprayed little Johnny! Sure, he was a bit impetuous, but so full of youth and promise. Now he just runs in circles, licking his antenna.

How about throwing away the traps and wiping up some of that poison that’s souring up the fruit rinds my wife ate. For two weeks, she thought she was a ladybug.

I’ll tell you what, Cory, let’s make an oath to each other. You do your best to stay out all night, and I’ll keep the numbers down. I won’t even sweat you flushing a few of the kids down the toilet from time to time. Can always make more, right?!

Long live weak, generic trash bags, and thirty-something year old lazy, single guys!

Yours truly,

C. Roacha

RSS Feed

2009-09-07T20:07:00.004-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-The government unveiled its new secret weapon against swine flu: Elmo. Great, a little, furry red monster who hangs out with a guy in a garbage can is going to teach kids to be clean. This is going to go over as well as the "Marriage is between a Man and Woman" campaign with Bert and Ernie.

-The FAA ruled that Southwest Airlines can continue to fly despite using unauthorized parts. Earlier in the year, the airline was allowed to continue flying and only fined, when a one foot hole opened in the fuselage, for using, as Southwest called it, “an unauthorized speedometer”.

-Big things are happening at Disney; they bought the rights to Marvel’s characters. A lot of deals being made. Some happier than others. Prince Charming said, “There goes The Magic Kingdom!” Minnie’s excited about Mickey’s new plastic-man ability, and Wolverine’s contract stipulates that he gets to wake Sleeping Beauty three times a week.

-A man jumped from a carnival cruise ship after having an argument with a woman. She told him she wouldn’t sleep with him if he were the last man on the boat. He said, “How about the only man in the water?”

Required Reading

2009-09-07T20:00:00.013-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

As requested, here are the most popular books being read by high school students after the required reading list was dropped.

Students can now picks the books they read. What they’re reading and where:

-In the Men’s Locker Room

Small is the New Big

Megan Fox’s Vaseline Tips

The Catcher in the Guy

- In the Women’s Locker Room

Hot, Flat, and Crowded

Brave New Curls

-In the Cafeteria

The Great Gassy

Lord of the Fries

Charlottes Web 2: Tasty Bacon

-Under the Bleachers

Farenheit 4:20

Where the Wild Weeds Are

-PE Class

Romeo & Julie Sweat

A Tale of Two Sissies

-In the Classroom

The Seven Highly Effective Habits of Spitballs

The Game: Teacher Addition

The Grades of Wrath

-In Wood-shop

A Farewell to Arms

RSS Feed

2009-08-31T00:57:00.002-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

- There are hints of oligopoly as the 3 major beer companies are raising their prices at the same time. Budweiser said it would’ve done it alone but it knew that fat friend, big Government, would get in the way, so it called in wing-men Coors and Miller while it tried to screw the hot consumer.

- Energy officials are worried that natural gas tanks are reaching their storage capacity. Almost all tanks are at maximum. Even after spewing out natural gas all day, our reserve tank, Rush Limbaugh, is reported to be at capacity.

- CEO of Whole Foods, John Mackey, is in hot water. He wrote an article harshly criticizing Obama’s health care plan. He said Americans can’t afford to pay for everyone’s health insurance especially when they have to buy Whole Food’s 8 dollar rice crispy treats.

- The widow of a man buried face down above Marilyn Monroe is moving him sideways, over the grave that’ll eventually hold Hugh Heffner, to sell his spot to pay for her mortgage. Marilyn can roll over in her grave any way she wants, doesn’t matter, she’s getting screwed.

- A mother of two is going to be caned for drinking a beer which is illegal for Malaysian Muslims to do. She said if she had known she was going to take a hit for it, she would have ordered something better than a bud light.

- Computer scientists say one in five people looking on-line for Jessica Biel pictures will get a virus, thus making her the digital equivalent of Lindsay Lohan.

Uncle Sam is Stimulating Everyone

2009-08-31T00:54:00.002-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your monthly newsletter from the US Office of Accountability.

What 3,900 prisoners who were accidentally sent stimulus checks are buying:

3900 copies of The Shawshank Redemption
500 harmonicas and 3400 sets of earplugs
3500 soap on a ropes and 400 posters of Lance Bass
Snuggies and fuzzy handcuffs
A copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People with a Homemade Shiv”
A Karaoke machine playing only Johnny Cash songs
Combination Locked Underwear

RSS Feed

2009-08-24T12:09:00.006-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-A judge ruled that Paris Hilton doesn’t have to pay back $8 million to a studio after her movie flopped. It wasn’t that she wasn’t guilty, said the judge, “but in order to make a fair decision, I’d have to go back and watch the entire movie, and I’m just not willing to do that.

-Colleges have been advised to isolate students with swine flu. Most schools have found that, through natural selection, students in the math and science departments have already been isolated.

-A woman pregnant with a record breaking twelve babies was exposed as a fraud. This was good news for the Octomom who was able to free up some time in her schedule by canceling her date with those thirteen guys. And right now there is a relieved guy asking god, “Do I really have to go to church for the next twelve years?

-Former Speaker of the House, Tom Delay, who was ousted from congress for a lobbying scandal, will be on Dancing with the Stars. In congress his nickname was The Hammer. After dancing the Lambada with him his partner changed his nickname to the toothpick.

-A man legally carried an assault rifle to an Obama protest. When asked about the legality of the gun the man said the constitution was there to ban things that hurt people like underage drinking, public nudity, and noisy ice-cream trucks, not assault rifles.

-Joe Jonas of the teen band The Jonas Brothers will temporarily fill Paula Abdul’s spot on American Idol. Simon Cowl said they’d have to be weeding out a lot of bad music and besides Paula Abdul, who knows bad music better than a Jonas Brother?

-Heeding the calls for more flexibility the SAT now gives students the option of choosing which scores they send to college. The makers of the test said it now better reflected the realities of college because these kids are going to be doing some heavy drinking, late night partying, and won’t always want be proud to show off a score.

Caption Contest

2009-08-24T11:50:00.008-04:00

Dear Cory,

Here are some recent entries from our caption contest.

Your loss, baby! It’s like they say, “You could learn a lot from a Dummy!”

Oh my God, Seth! I wouldn’t crash a 2009 BMW S series wearing that dress.

Bumper sticker: My other car is a black dragon.

“I challenge thee to a joust! Squire, prepare the royal Oxygen tank!”

HA! Did you hear that accent?! Hasta la vista, baby! Who says that?

Guys, please! I’ll never drive my fist through another...after T3, so much pressure for a hit...talk to me...

Look into the orb and see the future of your careers!

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s acting lessons!

Yes, you must eat this entire hamburger.

Redwoods gone wild.

Son, sex with a women feels just like a hot steamy gas tank.

All she needs Marty, is 1.21 jigawatts of pure Bud light.

Michael Knight and Kitt, “The Later Years.”

RSS Feed

2009-08-16T23:49:00.010-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-A new study shows that Disabled students are spanked more often then normal ones. A spokesperson from the Teachers Union said it wasn’t the intention of teachers to spank the disabled kids more, it’s just that they’re easier to catch and tend to complain less.

- Sony Pictures is making a new Michael Jackson movie. Titles that almost made the cut:

Lord of the Rings 4: Rise of the Elf King
Enter the DragQueen
Michael and the Children: The Way You Make Me Feel
You are not Alone: The Story of MJ’s doctor and Bubba from Cell Block D
Bloodsuckers: The Parents who sent their kids to Neverland Ranch
Transformers 3: Optimus Nose

-The Government has encouraged farmers to protect their pigs from swine flu. The Farmers have agreed for the next month not to kiss them on the lips.

- Changes being made at the Eagles stadium now that Michael Vick is signed:

DJ’s banned from playing “Who Let the Dogs Out.”
Players must distract Vick every time Metlife Snoopy commercial airs.
Fans must scream “defeat” instead of “kill,” “beat,” or “slaughter” the Bears, Lions, or Dolphins.
Clowns must remove blow up poodles from repertoire.
Any player being kept awake by neighbors yipping chiwawa is allowed to have Vick sleep over.
No more team “Bring your pet to batting practice” day.

-Miley Cyrus performed her latest single with background redneck dancers while singing in front of a stripper pole. Her fans are relieved she hasn’t strayed from her roots and - this Hannah Montana thing won’t last forever- Dad's happy she can slide right into that second career.

- Health Care town hall meeting have turned into shouting matches as Republican groups claim Democrats are trying to kill their grandmothers. The Democrats said, “We are not trying to kill your grandmothers! We just want them to die a little faster.”

New York City’s District 26 Candidates

2009-08-16T20:26:00.027-04:00

Dear Citizen,

It’s that time of year again. City Council campaigns are in full swing with candidates gearing up for the elections. To help you make a better, well informed choice and have a little fun, we have devised a simple form that requires you to match the correct candidate’s picture (there are some impostors) with his/her info.

A)B)C) D)E)F)

G)H) I)J)

Dear Citizen,
It’s that time of year again. City Council campaigns are in full swing with candidates gearing up for the elections. To help you make a better, well informed choice and have a little fun, we have devised a simple form that requires you to match the correct candidate’s picture (there are some impostors) with his/her info.

1.
Conservative Democrat (A Republican with a gay brother): Born and raised in Woodside, where he still resides under the train tracks, this candidate feeds pigeons and whistles at women with large derrieres. According to the candidate, he is a foreign language service provider (Jawa, Wookie, and droid), with locations on Endor, Vulcan, and formerly on Alderon. He is a member of the community council to ban use of Crocs.

2.
Democratish: A lifelong Subterranean Queens resident, this candidate currently lives under Sunnyside with the mole people and is the Chief External Affairs Officer of the Queens Public Library which means he checks books out and reads them outside. He is an activist for gay & lesbian rights, believes that gay horses really do eat heeeeeyyyyyy!, and has photographic evidence of aliens ordering takeout from the China One Taco House. He also is a member of Community Board 2, 3, 72, 69 (Yeeeeah!), 56, 872, 1 1/2 & their Allow Urinating in Public Committee.

3.
Republican: Born in Jackson Heights, and then later, to get away from the curry smell, settling in Long Island City, this candidate is a business lawyer who worked in NY law firm White & Whiter’s Tokyo office, where he was elected Chair of Democrats Abroad, Japan Chapter (The Flying Geishas), which helps Americans overseas to vote for people they’ve never heard of. He is currently a legal council for the Club a Baby Seal Foundation and a former official of the Democratic National Ban children's Lemon-aid Stands committee.

4.
Rock Hard Liberal: Born and lives outside of 26, this candidate admits he’s not very fond of district 26 but needs a job so he can move out of his Mom’s house. He has unlocked every achievement on Xbox 360’s Rainbow 6: Las Vegas, so he knows how to get things done. He is currently the head of the governing council for the Committee for Refuse and Waste Removal from his Mother’s kitchen.

5.
Airport Bathroom Republican: Can’t believe she’s still living in stinking Queens, this candidate is doing anything and everything (Yes, even that, you sicko.) to make enough money to make it into Manhattan. She is an investigative lawyer and hopefully does not read Mad magazine. She is also Deputy Director of the Administrative Services Assistant to Procuring Locally Advertising in State Official Sounding Board of Directors Instructions on How to Open This Consortium for Ideas Eating a Banana Sandwich Orthotics Department Zombie Smasher Frankly Speaking Division of the NYC Council & avid jogger.

6.
Republicrat: Born on the 7 train, this candidate is friends with a lawyer. He is a supervisor at Starbucks, can tell the difference between Tall, Venti, and Grande, and is a proponent of slavery. He is a member of the ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX, HBO, and WOW committees.

*For the answer key, send a request with a photograph of your girlfriend naked to Bob@bettergovernment.com

RSS Feed

2009-08-09T21:09:00.004-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-Paula Abdul retired from American Idol via Twitter. Here is the actual feed from her page:

Can you mix Valium and Prozac?...will let you know.

1:42 PM Aug 4th from Tweetie

Must find one ring to unite them all. With sadness in my heart, I've decided not to return to #IDOL

4:23 PM Aug 4th from lalaland in response to simon_manboobs

All the pretty colors make me smiley

11:18 PM Aug 4th from tweetledumb

-The American Psychiatric Society dismissed gay-to-straight therapy. They did say however that with a little Britney Spears in the background, a few martini sips, and a 24 hour marathon viewing session of Sex and the City and the straight-to-gay therapy was almost guaranteed.

-Jessica Simpson said she wouldn’t take back the house she gave her ex-boyfriend because she was not an Indian Giver. Although American Indians were angered she didn’t apologize because she said she too was American Indian. The Indians called her and said, “The ethnicity we gave you, we’re taking it back.”

-Burger King Franchisees are complaining that racy ads featuring language like goodyballs, b-hole, and girls with square derrieres dancing to Baby got Back might make customers not order thirds.

-Former President Clinton took a trip to Asia. He stopped in North Korea and helped free two American Journalists. When asked how he felt, he said although he was happy it wasn’t quite what he expected when he asked for a happy ending.

RSS Feed

2009-08-04T01:06:00.004-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

New York City is buying plane tickets for homeless people to send them out of the city. These are the only flights allowed to fly with the doors open.

Actress Megan Fox, beautiful girl, has pictures and videos all over the internet...I guess a lot of guys are getting tired of seeing her. Some popular male blog sites have come together and declared Aug. 4th a “No Megan Fox” day. The need a break. They say they need time to let the chaffed skin heel, and the computer screens dry off.

Sarah Palin in her resignation speech, told the press in honor of the American soldier, they should quit making things up. Just then a reporter pointed to her left, shouted “Moose!” and she turned and shot a cameraman.

Some iPhone apps help users avoid police speed traps, count cards at the black jack table, and find medicinal marijuana sellers reports Fox news. A new app currently in the works will help readers find real news on Fox.

RSS Feed

2009-07-26T22:17:00.006-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

- Chinese scientists have succeeded in inducing cells from connective tissue in mice to revert back to their embryonic state which will allow it to become any organ. Many groups cheered the news: The disabled, amputees, and guys who zipped up their pants too fast.

- Secretary of State Clinton begin a three day tour of India where she’ll discuss security issues, a free trade agreement, and how to get her computer to run Windows vista.

- A man and woman with same first and last name who met online plan to marry. Although the two haven’t met face to face the man said he is just happy to have met someone he can share his life with. The woman said she is happy to have found someone that can except her sideburns.

- The senate voted to stop making more F-22 Raptor fighter jets. With a strained budget the Air Force is testing out these cheaper, less conventional ideas:

How healthy are you?

2009-07-26T17:25:00.005-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

It’s time again for the annual federal Health & Wellness Survey. You will notice some changes this year as we have adjusted questions to better reflect current American lifestyles.

1. Being sore after sex means:

A) you need to work out more often.

B) you should date someone shorter.

C) you didn’t admit you weren’t a gymnast.

D) you have to send a get-well-soon card and promise not to go six months before the next time around.

2. Your stomach prevents you from seeing...

A) your genitals.

B) your toes.

C) the small animal nibbling away at your toes.

D) anyone of the opposite sex.

3. Having itchy genitals means:

A) You shouldn’t sit down on the locker room floor.

B) You forgot to wash off the pie crust.

C) Your underwear can only be turned inside-out so many times.

D) Stop falling asleep naked in the goat pen with peanut butter on your balls.

4. Jogging is good for:

A) spandex manufacturers.

B) people who weren’t born in shape like me.

C) someone who wants to get killed in the park.

D) people who need an excuse to wear band aids over their nipples.

5. How would you characterize your current weight?

A) Oprah is jealous.

B) I only look big in pictures.

C) They know me by name at Cinnabon.

D) I make extra money by selling billboard space on my ass.

6. A buffet is:

A) Not the best place to find a date.

B) A place found in the nightmares of an Olson twin.

C) A good place for an actress to start preparing for her role in the Kirstie Alley bio.

D) An affordable alternative to sumo wrestling.

7. How many times a week do you eat breakfast?

A) Six to seven.

B) Almost never.

C) Seventeen.

8. How would you describe your stress levels?

A) Obama’s got nothing on me.

B) I don’t talk in my sleep, but I do gnash my pillow.

C) I use an open vein as a super soaker.

D) I sooth myself by running my nails down a chalkboard.

9) How may times per week do you perform resistance or weight training?

A) Every time a hot chick is looking.

B) Can I change it to per year?

C) I date chicks from Weight Watchers.

D) Every time I get a new issue of Sensual Mamas.

10. Characterize your alcohol use.

A) I don’t partake in the demon sauce.

B) Whenever she needs a little nudge off second base.

C) I occasionally wake up wondering where my pants are.

D) My kids are named Sake, Martini, and Dry Vermouth.

11.How many times per week do you perform stretching and flexibility exercises?

A) I make a Cirque du Soleil performer look like a republican on gay marriage.

B) I tie my shoes daily.

C) It depends on how far away from my chair the cookie falls.

D) I would lose a high-five contest with John McCain.

RSS feed

2009-07-19T22:27:00.004-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

L.A.’s safer city initiative makes it illegal to sleep, sit or store personal belongings on sidewalks and other places. A judge however, refused to criminalize camping out in front of movie theaters dressed like a jedi citing he could punish them no further than life already was.

Honduran leader Manuel Zelaya, who was ousted in his pajamas at bayonet point, has given his rival one week to step down. If his orders are not met, he will get very very angry, and give him just one more week to step down.

A teen not paying attention while walking and texting fell into a manhole. Here parents are suing the city for posting a sign and not warning passerbys by text.

A California bill is in the works to tax and regulate Marijuana which would raise more than $1.4 billion. Gov. Schwarzenegger says, “Our unemployment rate is really going to get “high” now!”

A Texas teenager became the youngest person to sail around the world. As he approached the dock, one of his astonished classmates was overheard saying, “Man, this puts to shame anything I’ve done to get a hand-job!”

An ode to fast food (and writers block)

2009-07-19T22:22:00.004-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis:

Welcome to the diarrhea song of the month club. Here is your first installment:

Diarrhea, uh, uh, diarrhea, uh, uh!

When you try to squeeze one out while your date bites her cookie,

but your pants start barkin like your smuggling a Wookie (insert Chewbacca noise).

Diarrhea, uh, uh, diarrhea, uh, uh!

RSS feed

2009-07-13T01:04:00.004-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly World News update.

Man gives up liberty, freedom, and hope in crown of statue of liberty by asking girlfriend to marry him.

Four accused of digging up bodies and reselling the graves. Judge sentences each to 30 years and assigns them to nightly picking up the soap detail.

Pope calls for forming new world economic order. World leaders agree taking financial advice from an 82 year old virgin in a pointy hat living in a castle is a bad idea.

In an effort to change it's image the Sci-fi channel has changed it's name to the Syfy channel. Its viewers followed suit and changed their name from geek to masturbation warriors.

As government reviews industry regulation AT&T states an unregulated wireless network is good for consumers. In other news: termites vote for houses to be all wood, mice concur cheese should be placed in safe, open containers, and bank robbers agree on universal 12345 vault code.

YOU MUST READ THIS NOW!!!!!

2009-07-12T21:00:00.005-04:00

You may not know this sender. Mark as safe|Mark as junk

Sent: Thu 7/02/09 1:33 PM

teabagger@aol.com; Keith olbermann obamaisjesus@yahoo.com; bill O’reilly republicansarentgay@yahoo.com; cory Jarvis (pleaserofnoladies@hotmail.com); tightshirtsmakemesexy@hotmail.com; hairlip@yahoo.com; roN jeremy frankencyack@yahoo.com; under.wear.smelly@verizon.net; wookielover@verizon.net; girls@gonewild.com; George Bush kegmaster@verizon.net; fatandfunky@verizon.net; Joe biden pimpinainteasy@verizon.net; Lickylikenstien@msn.com; J-lo@all-butts.com; thirdnipple@global.net; capt.crunch@aol.com; 50 cent 2quarters@earthlink.net; Ann coulter poopypants@yahoo.com; ojsimpson@guilty.com; butterbutt@aol.com

Sent: 7/2/2259 10:18:07 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time

Subj: THE SKY IS FALLING!!!

If this is true, it is way too important to overlook!!!!!!!!!!!

Obama is a Muslim!! A recent poll has shown that all muslims support

> Obama (Even someone named BIN LADEN!!!). With so many muslims supporting him how

>can we trust him? He also has a secret MUSLIM LOVER. Check the picture. How come the

> liberal press won’t show you it?! Pssss, (whisper) they're muslims too!

>The Government wants to destroy health care for senior citizens. Obama’s grandmother was a

>senior citizen, she made him wait in lines, now he wants revenge! People in Europe, Canada,

>and other countries I’ve never been to have to wait months to see a doctor. Why should you

>have to wait in line so everyone can have health insurance?!

> In England , anyone over 59 cannot receive heart repairs, stents or bypass because it is not

>covered as being too expensive and not needed. That’s right, in England old people just die

>everywhere, people step right over them in the street!

> Looks like Obama is sure keeping his word .....Changes. Bad changes. Changes >we don’t

>need, America. Just ask anyone who is independently wealthy or has never had a major illness

>THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH OUR HEALTH CARE!!

> Besides, Americans don’t want socialized medical care (whatever that means!).

> Those commie bastards already have the post office and my recent issue of

>Guns& Ammo was two days late. TWO DAYS LATE! Everyone at the assault rifle

>pot luck knew about the Death grip 220 and I didn’t. Can you imagine my embarrassment?!

> Don’t let this happen to health care!!!

> SAD!!!

> Please do not let Obama sign our death warrants!

>Beware of the Y3K 41 virus. Once infected, if you open any e-mails, left click your

>mouse, or sneeze it will erase your hard drive and kill a puppy!

>My name is Didjabooty and my father is king of Zambiria. Recently he was kid-

>napped by a band of forrest gnomes. They want 10 million dollars to release him. Please open

>a bank account, send me $2000 and I will put 11 million in the account. Give 10 million to the

>fairy at midnight and you can keep the rest!!!

> This is being sent anonymously by a hard working American who doesn’t work for

> any industries that might be affected by what is written above. I’m just a person

> who knows most Americans will believe everything as written and without doing

> any research will regurgitate this to friends and family as fact.

>Forward this to your ten closest friends or they will die of dysentery!

RSS Feed

2009-07-05T23:13:00.004-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-Obama, seeking to reassure gays, tied their struggles with African Americans saying both our people have been hosed by men in police officers uniforms. As a symbolic gesture he opened a white house closet and three Republicans came out.

-Mississippi, named the fattest state, voted to become Misisipi to accommodate wheezing citizens.

-Walmart backs government health care plan. All employees will be issued new health insurance kit which contains an orange, a rectal thermometer, and a Magic 8 Ball.

-Sarah Palin bragged she could beat Obama in running. White House staff declined the challenge citing the race, which starts in the middle of Harlem at 3 AM, would favor Palin.

-E.Coli confirmed in Nestle Toll House cookies. Witnesses say they heard grunting from inside the fridge, and when they opened the door, a short, white, pants-less male fled the scene with a devilish grin, letting out a high pitched coo. Police have released this sketch of what the subject may look like:

The solution to the mortgage crises

2009-07-05T22:57:00.006-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

We appreciate every citizen of this great country’s need to at some point own a home. We are one of the few home loan companies not affected by the current mortgage crises. This is due to our rigorous, yet simple test all applicants must fill out. If you answer no to all questions, you are welcome to come in and apply for a loan. If you answer yes to any of the following questions, then by all means, please do get the F%@k out!

1. Does your job require you to know the difference between a tall, venti, and a grande? If yes, get the F%@k out.

2. Does your job require you to wear a name tag? If yes, get the F%@k out.

3. You live in L.A. Do you have a head-shot? If yes, get the F%@k out.

4. Does your job require you to spend long hours on your cellphone arguing with your significant other while giving me the “I don’t think so hand sign” when I ask you where the batteries are? If yes, get the F%@k out.

5. Does your checking account have more zeros than an MC Hammer concert? If yes, get the F%@k out.

6. When speaking with friends, do you substitute their names with the word “Yo?” If yes, get the F%@k out.

7. Do you have no legitimate children to speak of but refer to everyone as “son?” If yes, get the F%@k out.

We thank you for your interest.

Bending over Fannie and Freddy, and making Countrywide our bitch,

N.B.S. Home Loans

RSS Feed

2009-06-28T20:45:00.004-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-French Prime Minister Sarkozy called for banning the Burqa, said, “We can not know whether you truly are French until you remove that Burqa and show us your armpit hair!”

-The pentagon will open a new command for cyberspace. Recruiting has already begun at Star trek conventions all over. Incentives for joining include one free year of World of Warcraft, an email address ending with @cybercommander.com, and unlimited pop-tarts. Their new slogan is, Cybercommand: We’re looking for a few good virgins.

-Blackeyed Peas road manager asked gossip blogger Perez Hilton why he felt qualified to criticize people when he can’t sing, act, dance - then punched Perez in the eye - or fight. (To hear the audio of Perez being hit, play the first 3 seconds of Prince’s “Your Kiss.”)

-Many Sharks face extinction which has left drunk surf instructors pondering a new animal to attribute appendix removal scar to.

-Obama, an occasional smoker, signed anti smoking bills. Other legislation passed:

McCain signed Anti-Hi Fiving bill.

Bristol Palin signed No Child Left behind in her Womb bill.

Samuel Jackson helped sponsor Hollywood anti-profanity laws.

-Chinese Central bank chief Zhou Xiaochuan argued to replace the dollar. He said, “The dollar had become so toxic that not even Chinese toy manufactures would use it.”

A letter from me

2009-06-28T20:08:00.005-04:00

Dear 2009 Cory,

Your life today is a direct product of the decisions you’ve made up to this point. The farmer does not plant the seed today and tomorrow wake to find rows of healthy, wealth producing corn. No, it takes months of planning, cultivating, and tending to his crop and even then, nothing is guaranteed. However, if the correct decisions are made, your dreams, your goals - not in one days time, but over a period of time when plans are cultivated and carefully tended to - will grow to fruition.

Moral: Today’s seeds will grow to be next years crop. Plant wisely!

So keep it in your pants, turn off the Xbox, and go write, write, write, dude!!

Sincerely,

2010 Cory

P.S. Nice ass, dude!

RSS Feed

2009-06-21T23:29:00.004-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-Microsoft users rank Bing top search engine for finding Google.

-Trying to run away from a crowd of screaming teenage fans, Robert Patterson, star of the hit movie “Twilight,” was struck by a NYC taxi. The cab driver, whose daughters made him take them to see the movie, said, “Now we are even.”

-Clothing retailer Eddie Bauer, after declaring bankruptcy, asked for a bailout citing their closure would give Banana Republic a monopoly on overpriced polo shirts.

-A health clinic servicing the porn industry was given a surprise state inspection. The inspector burst in with a video camera, a bass guitarist, and wearing nothing but rubber gloves and yelled, “Inspection time, Laaaaddddddiiiiiiieeeeeesss!”

-Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa raised two million dollars in private funds for the Lakers victory parade. He said the money would be used to pay for security, clean up crews, and cars for fans to turn over and burn.

E3 Gaming Convention

2009-06-20T17:44:00.005-04:00

Dear Wii fan,

Nintendo has heard your cries for more mature, realistic games and we have listened! Here are just a few from our exciting new fall line up:

Ender’s Game Iraq

Soar over the skies of Baghdad controlling an unmanned predator drone. Looks so realistic but don’t worry, it’s not; we made our quota this month. Use the ultra sophisticated camera to zoom in on the ground below - Hey! What’s that guy doing with a goat? Post the video on YouTube to reduce virtual troop stress levels.

Super Mario Plumbing

The Princess needs help! No, she hasn’t been kidnapped, but she has dropped too many kids off at the pool. Ready for Donkey Kong? It turns out he doesn’t just eat bananas. Better hurry, Toad had Indian food last night. Plunge your way to the end and face off with King Koopa Supa Poopa.

Rush Limbaugh’s Abu Ghraib-and-Go

Voiced by the freedom loving man himself, play as a high ranking official at Abu Ghraib prison. Get in touch with your inner Republican as you order troops to torture, and when the media catches wind, find a way to blame it on everyone but you and your civilian superiors.

Long live Nintendo and it’s panel of gay console namers!

Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii,

Nintentendo

RSS Feed

2009-06-14T20:53:00.010-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

- Security council to tighten sanctions on North Korea. Things to be cut include No Fro Hair Tonic, Khaki factory worker’s clothes, and sunglasses from the 1970s.

- Carrie Prejean was stripped of the Miss California title. She claims all her problems stem from answering no when asked about whether or not gay marriage should be legal. When a reporter asked, didn’t she think Miss USA’s thoughts and opinions should be in line with the majority of the country she represented she replied, “Ewwww! Not if they’re gay!”

- Octomom the musical is in the works. Broadway producers said it was a “no brainer.” They expect to sell out the first 6 months with just the namesakes offspring alone. Producers said the play takes place inside the Octomom’s womb. They are currently looking for a more spacious venue.

- Contestants in a French reality show have won the rights to be treated as full time employees. The TV studio, owned by a giant corporation, eventually gave in to their demands, immediately cutting their pay, making them attend productivity and synergy meetings, and then had them create S.M.A.R.T. goals. Later that night, they all voted themselves off.

- A study shows that emergency room visits for computer injuries increased 700% over the last 7 years. Experts say these accidents go third on the list of least manly injuries just barely being beat out by a black eye from a water balloon fight, and spraining your two inner fingers at a Star Trek convention.

- Digital TV is coming but many Americans are not ready. Many people are confused as to what is the difference between TV with or without the digital converter box they have to buy. Congressional representatives declined to comment but a digital converter box employee said it was the difference between his wife shopping at Target or 5th Avenue.

- Brett Micheals, lead singer of 80’s metal band Poison, was recently injured during a performance. Micheals was backing up and ran into something being lowered, which forced him to quit playing. When asked what hit him a technician said, “Reality.”

Shop till you drop

2009-06-14T03:51:00.006-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Although we are not thanking you for congratulating us on, as you put it, “getting (expletive)er and (expletive)er with every visit,” we do appreciate it when a customer writes with their concerns.

As you know, at Rite Aid we constantly strive for excellency so we take customer concerns very seriously. We contacted your local branch and the following list should address all of your concerns.

- Regarding Raybekah, she and her baby-daddy are currently experiencing relationship problems and because we don’t give employees time off we are allowing her to work it out via cell phone while she works the register.

- Our manager does not ride the short bus to work. It is not company policy to provide transportation to and from the work place.

- Police reports from your area show a higher level of shop lifting among women. That is why our balding, single, middle aged, security guard follows them around the store.

- We apologize for the long waits created by having only one person working a register but please understand that sometimes our employees need free time to discuss football with one another right next to the line while you wait.

Here are some ideas we are currently working on to help entertain customers while they stand in line:

Giant plasma screen TVs that constantly play our commercials. You know, the ones that talk about us having low prices, short waits, and great service.

Line Speed Dating: Looking for love? Maybe that lady behind you isn’t crazy after all. She’s not homeless! She just wanted her first house to be special.

Beer Taste Testing Class: Natural Light or Natural Light Ice? Which one goes better with the Macaroni and Cheese your buying. Now you’ll know.

We hope we have answered all of your questions and complaints. Once again, we appreciate your patronage and look forward to selling you a trash can missing a lid again sometime in the near future.

Long live Rite Aid and it’s devotion to the customer’s wallet!

Sincerely,

Rite Aid

RSS Feed

2009-06-06T14:00:00.004-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

While filming an action sequence in her new movie, Angelina Jolie was hit in the head by something and rushed to the hospital. The crew in the lot next door, filming a movie about the world's first female major league pitcher, starring Jennifer Aniston, had no comment.

GM, looking to start over after bankruptcy, has announced an all new line up of cars with the new flagship car an eco friendly vehicle that has massage chairs and an ejection seat for crashes. It’s called the “Stimulus-Bailout.”

The FDA formed an independent task force to figure out ways it can be more open with the public. The task force will be a broad coalition of industry professionals including peanut butter makers, tomato growers, Chinese dairy farmers, and hot dog venders from Times Square.

Republicans complained about the size, shape, and cost of the emerging Obama health care proposal. Republican leaders said, “We cannot saddle future generations with our debt. They’ll need that money to buy canes, crutches, and wheel chairs.”

Federal regulators have made sweeping changes to California waterways to help revive the dwindling salmon industry. Within the next several years they hope to have thousands of salmon mating in the drinking water. Regulators pointed to the past success of reducing cavities by adding fluoride and said, so to should childhood obesity rates drop, with the addition of fish protein.

Miley Cyrus is set to design clothes for Walmart. When asked why she didn’t want to sell her clothes at a more upscale retailer she said she wanted the quality of her clothing line to match the quality of her music. The clothing line will be called, “Exploited.”

Team USA soccer is scheduled to play Honduras in a world cup qualifying match. In order to compete for viewership, networks not airing the game will run Egg Genie and Wonder Hanger infomercials along with reruns of Moesha.

Fall Preview

2009-06-03T00:35:00.003-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Thank you for your delightful letter. We here at NBC appreciate your support through these hard times and share your belief that we will one day rise again to the number one spot. As a reward for your faith in us, here is a sneak preview at a few shows from our fall lineup:

- The Deadliest Catch: A reality show about plumbers.

- One Night Stand: A documentary about erotic antique furniture.

- The Y Files: A fresh, unique story about paranormal cases assigned to a special agent who believes, his female partner who’s not sure, and their wacky chimpanzee sidekick who punches people whenever he hears, “right turn, Clyde.”

- Dateline To Catch an IPOD User: Watch as NBC’s crack team of undercover public transportation commuters locate Americas latest scourge - Ipod users who subject you to their 50 cent sing along and the Darwin defiers who make hearing aid salesman salivate - surround them, and while being cheered on by fellow passengers, beat them senseless.

Legs shaking? Sweaty palms? We know; us too!

Let it be known the peacock struts again!

Sincerely,

Highly Paid NBC Executives

P.S. Please don’t show this to anyone. We could get in big trouble.

The MTA does actually reply to mail

2009-04-07T22:58:00.006-04:00

Cory,

So, you want to kick my ass, huh?! Ha! Sure, come on over. First off, you gotta take the W train to get here. Wait a minute, what’s that? Oh yeah, that lines been shut down. You didn’t think we’d just raise the fares, did you? We’re not just gonna bend you over and quit there!

I’d pick you up at the station myself but I have no idea where it is. That’s right, America’s largest public transportation system pays me so well, I don’t have to use it. I drive, baby! If you do ever catch me though, I’m certain you’d be able to kick my ass since you’ll be in such incredible shape from all that walking.

Where’d all the money go? you ask. Did you see the lit up circle and diamond signs on the side of the 7 trains? The ones that replaced the signs that are still on the train. The ones we leave to people, after days of getting on the wrong train, to figure out what they mean. Those weren’t cheap. Plus the girl that cleans the F train doesn’t work for peanuts (I should say didn’t, we’ve renegotiated her contract).

Truthfully, I’ll tell you this because I care. In the end you’ll see the reality of this just as the rest of us who spend exorbitant amounts of money to live in the city do. If you can’t afford to come into Manhattan, you should stay in the outer boroughs where you belong. Look at the bright side, at least you’ll still have the G train...well, until midnight. HAHAHA!

Long live the MTA! Where your stimulus is our fare hike.

Smiling through the recession,

Your MTA chairman

My Reconciliation with Subway

2009-03-12T21:25:00.005-04:00

Well, well, well. If it isn’t Mr. foot long himself. You’re just going to walk back in, huh? Just like that? Don’t think I didn’t see what you’ve been doing, who you’ve been running around with. That’s right! Boy, I’m gonna toast your buns!

I saw you sleazing round with that Quiznos tramp. Don’t even get me started on that filthy local deli! And you must’ve been hitting the sauce hard when I saw you with that nasty Blimpie. You better wash those hands before touching me!

Maybe it’s the recession, maybe it’s my new toaster oven - either way, I knew you’d be back. I’m letting you in but don’t think I’ll forget. Just know this: if you leave again - the way you did before - you’re gonna go from a footlong spicy italian to a 6 inch cold cut, real quick!

Your spicy meatball mama,

Subway

Whole Food's Samplers

2009-03-12T00:33:00.005-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Thank you for your request. We will look into installing lasers which harmlessly shoot through human bodies except those which have just nibbled on our chemically laced food court food which when it comes into contact with the lasers causes immediate, explosive diarrhea. Thank you for your concern.

Long live Whole Foods and it’s killer arugula (we’re still not yet sure which vegetable that is either).

Keepin it natural,

Whole Foods

A letter from the city

2008-11-10T23:33:00.003-05:00

Hey you,

I couldn’t help but notice you’re still here. Gotta admit, I’m a bit surprised. I mean, you came here thinking you were gonna conquer the comedy world and granted, you’ve made some gains but you’re not exactly exploding onto the scene, are you? At least you hit the ground crawling.

Yeah, yeah, you’re determined. Heard it all before. I know, Sinatra, Seinfeld, all the greats came here and started just like you did. So did Bob Johnson, Andrew Cunningham, and Jeremy Stone. Who are they you ask? Doesn’t matter because they came here all starry eyed and ambitious and I kicked them in the nuts and sent them back crying, to their cushy hometown cubicle jobs.

Now strap that saddle on your back, day-job-boy, and on five hours sleep a night make that indentured servants pay. Top it off with three over priced unhealthy meals a day and now you’re ready. Clear those bleary, sleep deprived eyes. You’ve got a show to do. That is, if you can sign up before the other hundred would be comics make it there first.

Oh yes, I’ll let you chase your dream. Might even let you catch it, but you’re going to do it on my terms!

Yours truly,

Lady Liberty (aka. The Big Apple/New York)

News from the break-room

2008-11-01T17:53:00.000-04:00

Dear Cory,

I noticed you haven’t been in the office for a few days and then somebody told me you were sick. Since we haven’t haven’t had a chance during your 30 minute- I mean 15 minute (wink, wink) break, I thought I’d catch you up on some of the juicier details.

- Pat slept with Sue which angered Mike, made Shelly happy, had Eric crying, and caused Bob to raise an eyebrow.

- Sue accidently ate Mikes peach, which frustrated Eric, caused Shelly to laugh, made Pat moan, and caused Bob to scratch his head.

- John (New Guy) got Shelly’s phone number which made Eric upset, helped Mike relax, made Sue jealous, and caused Bob to quit.

- Oh, and I guess your company is downsizing and management is looking at who to cut (don’t be sick too long).

Other than that, every thing’s fine.

Long live the Xerox repair man! For without him, there can be no copies.

Bob (The Xerox Guy)

Google me.

2008-10-21T22:21:00.000-04:00

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

We would like to first thank you for making Google your home page and your search engine of choice for all your daily, and as you put it, nightly needs.

In response to your first request, we apologize but due to policy we can not save just the two sites you requested and erase all other search fields containing the words “Cory Jarvis.” Erasing all other fields would violate our policy of fairness for millions of other Google users named Cory Jarvis.

In response to your second request we again apologize, but we can not eliminate all other Cory Jarvises with more significant life achievements than you. Doing so would take us back to your first request: we would violate our policy of fairness to millions of other Google users. As is standard procedure, we did research as to who would be left if we did grant your second request and found that it would be you, a kid who makes bombs using household items, and a comedian in the Appalachian mountains with one less stage credit.

Thank you for your enquiry and have a wonderful day.

Long live Google and it’s destruction of the Encyclopedia Britannica!

Sincerely,

The humble folks at Google

A letter from my Niece

2008-09-21T20:56:00.000-04:00

They grow up so fast.

Dear Uncle Cory,

Get your doodoo together! I mean, you're like 33 or something (that's like a hundred and fifty in baby years). Seriously, Uncle Cory, the kids on the playground are starting to ask questions. I got enough trouble already with Mom putting me in these K-Mart diapers when all the other kids are crawling around in their Huggies. Now every time I show off my new Pop up book with four finger puppets (Sorry, Emily ate the fifth, she offered but I really don’t want it back now) from my single uncle living in a New York City apartment with a balding guy and a giant jar of pickles I always have to say, "but he likes girls!" Take care of business soon or I'm coming out there with a puppy and a shirt that says "He's my Uncle" and finding you a lady who looks like she'll buy me some good Christmas presents!!

Seriously Concerned,

Your Niece (Sorry, I haven't learned to spell my name yet.)

P.S. How do you like the Harry Potter glasses? Tre chic, no?

Letter to a Pro

2008-09-14T19:45:00.000-04:00

A sincere auto-formatted letter you can send to your favorite athlete.

Dear Professional athlete,

First off, let me start by saying I am your biggest fan. You (hit,catch,throw) the ball so well. You are truly my hero. While the other players walk you run, when they jump you jump higher, and surely your hits are the hardest of them all. Every time you hit the ball I think wow, this guy is really going to be able to bang some chicks.

I shall live vicariously through you. I have to because honestly, the jersey I wear, a little too often, with your name on the back, doesn't really pull in the chicks for me like it does you. Of course I don't have the physique you have. You don't wear a XXXL do you?

No, your uniform is tight. Skin tight. Which is another reason I admire you so much. It takes a real man to wear clothes that would get most men outside a stadium beat up or picked up. I admire the fact that you take such a strong stance against homosexuality while still being able to wear a uniform that attracts many of them to you. That's guts all the way.

One of the coolest things about you is your willingness to show the world your deep commitment to your religion. Every time the pressure is on, you turn to God in front of millions of viewers. Only with the fortitude of a real man could you look to the heavens and say world and it's wars, strife and famine be damned, help me bring this one home lord!

My wife says I spend too much time watching your games. She doesn't realize that seven hours every Sunday is the least I can do for someone who has brought me such joy. She can't possibly understand the relationship you and I have and that yelling out, "that's my boy" when your making a big play is something reserved for that special bond we have. To hell with her and what she says. I know if the situation were reversed you'd ignore your wife for me, too. And I know you would definitely make your kids wear team jerseys on game day. You can't get these kids started too early, right?! This is Daddy's team so now it's your team too. Nothing like spending a Sunday watching the games with the kids. That's what I call quality time.

Some people say what you do doesn't matter. Yeah sure, if there were a nuclear war tomorrow I might have to turn my attention elsewhere but it's not like that's going to happen, right. Yeah, I guess there is a war or something but I got one of those $1.99 yellow ribbons they sell at Walmart so I've done all I can for that. Besides, it would be un-American of me to let these terrorists bastards stop me from drinking a beer, eating my pizza and watching the next game. God bless this country and god bless you. Go (insert team name)!!

Your biggest fan,

Sports fan

A letter from the honorable Senator Westmoreland

2008-09-14T19:18:00.000-04:00

As a member of the Republican Senator Lynn Westmoreland fanclub, I thought I'd share the most recent letter I received.

Dear Fanclub,

It’s all over the liberal news so you’ve probably heard by now, yes, it’s true, I called Barrack Obama “uppity.” Now, I told the liberal press that I didn’t know the word was offensive but y’all know I knew. What can I say, I’m from Georgia. Being from Georgia and not being racist is like being half black and not being an unholy muslim. It just don’t make no sense.

Now, the leftist conspiracy mill has of recent run amuck with rumors of me and a certain gentleman locking ourselves into the local Blue Oyster bar’s bathroom. Let me put this cow to pasture once and for all. Truth be told here, I have to say that since the democraps stold congress, well, my pay just ain’t what it used to be. As many of you already know, I was not always just a hardworking lawmaker. No, my patriotism extends from the halls of congress all the way to your septic tank. I do a little side plumbing from time to time and on this particular occasion, my assistant, Sven and I, were knee deep in it ya’ll. That’s also accounting for why Sven was wearing his red sequined speedos. The man loves his work and ain’t afraid to get deep into it. God bless him! So you see, simple and innocent. Did I mention my middle name ain’t Hussein.

God Bless America, the great state of Georgia, and anybody who doesn’t vote for that Uppity Obama boy.

Sincerely,

Senator Lynn Westmoreland

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