My Reconciliation with Subway

Well, well, well. If it isn’t Mr. foot long himself. You’re just going to walk back in, huh? Just like that? Don’t think I didn’t see what you’ve been doing, who you’ve been running around with. That’s right! Boy, I’m gonna toast your buns! 

I saw you sleazing round with that Quiznos tramp. Don’t even get me started on that filthy local deli! And you must’ve been hitting the sauce hard when I saw you with that nasty Blimpie. You better wash those hands before touching me!

Maybe it’s the recession, maybe it’s my new toaster oven - either way, I knew you’d be back. I’m letting you in but don’t think I’ll forget. Just know this: if you leave again - the way you did before - you’re gonna go from a footlong spicy italian to a 6 inch cold cut, real quick!

Your spicy meatball mama,

Subway

Whole Food's Samplers

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Thank you for your request. We will look into installing lasers which harmlessly shoot through human bodies except those which have just nibbled on our chemically laced food court food which when it comes into contact with the lasers causes immediate, explosive diarrhea. Thank you for your concern. 

Long live Whole Foods and it’s killer arugula (we’re still not yet sure which vegetable that is either).

Keepin it natural,

Whole Foods