Dear Mr. Jarvis,
Thank you for your request. We will look into installing lasers which harmlessly shoot through human bodies except those which have just nibbled on our chemically laced food court food which when it comes into contact with the lasers causes immediate, explosive diarrhea. Thank you for your concern.
Long live Whole Foods and it’s killer arugula (we’re still not yet sure which vegetable that is either).
Keepin it natural,
Whole Foods
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