24 Hour News

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here are the transcripts you requested from the GNN news report. Thank you for watching.

Bob Sheckle: We interrupt your weather report to bring you this breaking news. Golfer Tiger Woods has been in a car accident. Let's go live to the scene with our Eye in the Sky reporter, Jerry Jerkovsky.

Jerry: As you can see Bob, we’re flying over Tiger Woods’ house. This is where he stays when he's not getting into car accidents and being treated at hospitals that don't allow in our reporters. As you can see, there in that window is Tiger Woods’ father taking a dump. He probably has no idea his son’s in the hospital yet and is apparently unaware we're filming him. He's been in there 30 minutes, definitely not getting enough fiber in his diet (zooms in).

Bob: Nor has he been chewing his food. Yikes! Thanks, Jerry. We have yet to confirm any injuries but if Tiger Woods does get injured, what will happen? We turn to our panel of experts. As car injury specialists, what can Tiger Woods take away from this experience?

Crash Test Dummies: No idea, Bob. But we do know that he could learn a lot from a dummy.

Bob: Thank you. Lets go to our arm injury specialist, live via satellite, Helmut

Von Spankem. What kind of potential problems could Woods run into if his arms were hurt?

Helmut: Well, if both his arms are hurt, and let's say a political leader rides populist rage and public discontent to become the countries ruthless autocratic dictator, then Tiger Woods would have a hard time properly saluting him. Of that I’m sure. But, if just one arm is hurt, research shows he'll experience problems putting jam on his toast and have trouble waving to friends while climbing trees.

Bob: Thank you, Helmut. Now we turn to our celebrity expert, Jennifer Lopez. Jennifer, what can Tiger expect if he injures either butt cheek?

Jennifer: Because he's such a great golfer and has real talent, Bob, hurting his ass really wont hurt him at all. I think myself and Kim Kardashian are the only two people in the world who could have career ending butt injuries. Oh, and maybe Rush Limbaugh because, he is himself, a complete asshole.

Bob: Well, Jennifer, I think I'm speaking for everyone who's ever micro-waved a cantaloupe and gored a hole in it while thinking of you when I say I hope that never happens. Coming up in the next hour: we have exclusive interviews with a homeless guy, a cat, and two blind guys who witnessed Tiger Woods accident. Stay tuned...

Prince's "Your Kiss" revised

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Dear Readers of Letters From People,

Until further notice, the weekly jokes you usually see here are now being sent to an iphone app called "This Just In." If you have a smart phone, download it and check out the jokes. It's filled with hilarious jokes delivered to you by top writers who contribute to Conan, Letterman, Kimmel, SNL, the Daily Show, and the New Yorker, as well as cartoonists who draw for the top papers and alternative weeklies.

Cory will however, continue to post various things of a funny nature on a weekly basis so keep checking back.

Be careful what you wish for...

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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

- Senator John Kerry said the Afghan surge proposal goes too far, too fast. He said inserting enlarged troops to surge too early could force a premature evacuation. He added that Afghanistan is not one of those, “wham, bamm, thank you, Islam, kinda countries.”

- After research showed they don’t work, Disney’s offering refunds for Baby Einstein Videos. This is a brilliant strategy. No receipt, required. We’ll give you your money back in full; just bring the video in and admit your kid’s an idiot.

They still plan to sell the videos, they’ve just repackaged them to say, “Make Your Baby Make Other Babies Look Like an Einstein.”

- Michelle Obama and Mrs. Jill Biden attended game one of the World Series. They helped throw out the first pitch and Mrs. Biden gave a speech. Mrs. Biden Delivered a speech instead of her husband who was replaced due to the teams not wanting to start three hours late.

- A woman is accused of offering sex for World Series tickets on craigslist. The ad said for tickets she’d not only let you play on her field, she’d let you score a homerun. It’s good the police are focusing on these crimes. God knows we don’t want anyone scoring before the game starts.

- Mel Gibson’s girlfriend gave birth to a baby and released the following photo to the press:

Pending Publication....maybe....I hope...again.

Sorry, really. Will post as soon as I know if it's being published or not.