Letters from People's Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is the latest edition of the “Letters from People” Global News update. Enjoy.

A woman found a rat in a Chef Boyardee can. Hurry kids, if you want to be allowed in the magical Boyardee factory, there are only seven more rats out there!

As protests continue the US warns citizens about travel to Thailand. Officials especially warned men hoping to pick up young Thai girls saying that if the woman has a bulge in her pants, whether protester or not, you’re about to be robbed of something.

Nebraska’s Gov. is set to sign a bill requiring women to be screened for mental health before being allowed to have an abortion. Republicans rallied around him after statistics showed that allowing mentally unstable women to terminate their pregnancy would cause future shortages in tea party membership.

A California man made threats to Nancy Polosi because he was angered over health care. He later apologized, admitted he was a recently laid-off health insurance claim inspector, and said keeping people in pain is a hard habit to break.

An Alaskan eagle survived a death spiral plunge after a mid-air mating dance.The worst part of it all is the eagle didn't even like the other bird but was just being a wing-man for his friend who flew off with a chubby pigeon.

Michelle Obama made an official visit to Mexico. During her tour she found a new way to help obese American kids that involves factory work sponsored by the Gap.

Cookbook recipe calls for ground black people. To be fair, right before that it says to smash all the crackers.

A poll finds tea party backers wealthier and more educated than the general public. How white are these people? Let's just put it this way, some of them were calling John McCain the n word.

S.E.C. staffers were busy watching porn as the economy crashed. They said women at the bars repeatedly rejected they're I.P.O’s so the needed a way to get their stocks up.

7-eleven introduced their own brand of beer. Company execs say it's just one more exciting product they can offer customers wanting explosive diarrhea.

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Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is yet another edition of the “Letters from People” Global News update. Enjoy.

Police have arrested two women after they tried to enter a plane with the body of a dead relative. They got caught when the stewardess asked him if he wanted aisle or window and they responded with, “Overhead bin, please.”

Virginia Governor Robert McDonnel brought back confederate history month without mentioning slavery. It’s part of the state’s new “Visit the Real Virginia” tourism campaign which also offers guests a mullet, a “I heart shotguns” wife-beater, and free front teeth removal.

The Wisconsin D.A. threatened to arrest sex Ed. teachers.The teachers, deep into the lesson, were reaching the climax of their lecture when they were prematurely pulled out and the lesson was blown.The D.A. claimed some of the class themes were too big for high school students to which the teachers replied, it's not the size of the lecture that counts but the material within it.

Kate Gosselin says it remains a challenge being a mother of 8 kids and competing on a hit show. Most Americans can relate to that as it remains a challenge to watch Kate Gosselin get on another hit show.

An Australian doctor declared that the cure for all common health ailments is a strong dose of Vitamin D. Experts question the validity of his statement especially because he announced it while standing on a bar stool and pointing at his thrusting pelvis.

Letters from People's Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is another edition of the “Letters from People” Global News update. Enjoy.

A Florida urologist is refusing to treat Obama supporters. They’re easy to spot he said because their urine sample cup is filled with hope.

Flash mobs gathered in around 150 cities worldwide to take part in international pillow fight day. Feathers were flying everywhere, it got so exciting that while flying overhead, not wanting to miss out, two ducks turned and slammed into each other.

An Amazon rep. claims a lost package was eaten by an alligator. They got it back though because it turns out even the digestive system of a croc. can't handle Sarah Palin’s new book.

US rep. Hank Wilson opposes adding more troops to Guam for fear the island will tip over. He also wanted to add a limit to the distances the navy could go in order to keep them from falling off the earth. And recently after watching Harry Potter he pushed for a bill to end British dominance of magic schools.

Movie Review

Clash of the Titans: Best comedy of the year. Just like the first one without all the messy character development. And best part ladies, now every time your man goes the bathroom you get to hear: Release the KRAKEN! Oh, and if it hadn’t been for the two minutes of 3-D footage in the 2 hour movie, fans may have felt cheated.