News Chunks

The Palin Strikes Back

Everyone’s favorite abstinence counselor slash teenage single mother, Bristol Palin, has made it to the finals of Dancing with the Stars.

She’s advancing to the finals despite the judges saying she was less qualified than the other dancers. When she heard, Sarah Palin winked at her husband and said, “She gets that from me.”

A Wisconsin man was so angry with the results that he shot his TV in disgust.

-On the positive side he now has a flat screen TV.

-His wife said it’s nothing new, we lose a TV every time a Target commercial comes on.

Darwin Juice

Makers of Four Loko have agreed to stop shipments to New York when the city (in a Godfather voice) made them an offer they couldn’t refuse.

For those of you not in the know, Four Loko is an alcohol infused energy drink. Yes, an alcoholic beverage that gets you drunk but gives you the energy to stay awake so you can make even more bad decisions.

All those times you were drinking, waking up with so many questions. Now you’ll be able to stay awake and finally figure out what happened to your pants.

State liquor authority said that a minor working undercover for the police was illegally sold Four Loko at 11 of 28 stores in the Bronx. So get this straight, kids, you’re too young to drink alcohol, but you’re old enough to be an undercover cop.

11 out of 28 stores. The kid would have bought Four Loko in every store but he stopped outside the other 17 to buy crack.