News Chunks

The Palin Strikes Back

Everyone’s favorite abstinence counselor slash teenage single mother, Bristol Palin, has made it to the finals of Dancing with the Stars.

She’s advancing to the finals despite the judges saying she was less qualified than the other dancers. When she heard, Sarah Palin winked at her husband and said, “She gets that from me.”

A Wisconsin man was so angry with the results that he shot his TV in disgust.

-On the positive side he now has a flat screen TV.

-His wife said it’s nothing new, we lose a TV every time a Target commercial comes on.

Darwin Juice

Makers of Four Loko have agreed to stop shipments to New York when the city (in a Godfather voice) made them an offer they couldn’t refuse.

For those of you not in the know, Four Loko is an alcohol infused energy drink. Yes, an alcoholic beverage that gets you drunk but gives you the energy to stay awake so you can make even more bad decisions.

All those times you were drinking, waking up with so many questions. Now you’ll be able to stay awake and finally figure out what happened to your pants.

State liquor authority said that a minor working undercover for the police was illegally sold Four Loko at 11 of 28 stores in the Bronx. So get this straight, kids, you’re too young to drink alcohol, but you’re old enough to be an undercover cop.

11 out of 28 stores. The kid would have bought Four Loko in every store but he stopped outside the other 17 to buy crack.

Roommates

Dear Cory,

Look, I remember the verbal agreement we made that night you came into the kitchen and turned on the light. Haven’t forgotten it. No, sir. But here’s the deal. I’ve had a few kids. And by “a few”, I mean a thousand - don’t hate the player. And, well, they gotta eat, so why’d you freak out like that?

Now I’ll admit bringing out the whole family like that was a little much. But it was Saturday night. You know, or at least I thought you did, that’s when I take the whole family out for a meal. Not trying to pour salt in any wounds, but I mean, what were you doing home so early?

Besides, how could you leave those pizza boxes wide open if you didn’t want us snacking on them?! And those tasty bread crumbs under the toaster? You were begging us to eat them!

I just can’t believe you freaked out and set those traps. You sprayed little Johnny! Sure, he was a bit impetuous, but so full of youth and promise. Now he just runs in circles, licking his antenna.

How about throwing away the traps and wiping up some of that poison that’s souring up the fruit rinds my wife ate. For two weeks, she thought she was a ladybug.

I’ll tell you what, Cory, let’s make an oath to each other. You do your best to stay out all night, and I’ll keep the numbers down. I won’t even sweat you flushing a few of the kids down the toilet from time to time. Can always make more, right?!

Long live weak, generic trash bags, and thirty-something year old lazy, single guys!

Yours truly,

C. Roacha

A letter from the city

Hey you,

I couldn’t help but notice you’re still here. Gotta admit, I’m a bit surprised. I mean, you came here thinking you were gonna conquer the comedy world and granted, you’ve made some gains but you’re not exactly exploding onto the scene, are you? At least you hit the ground crawling. 

Yeah, yeah, you’re determined. Heard it all before. I know, Sinatra, Seinfeld, all the greats came here and started just like you did. So did Bob Johnson, Andrew Cunningham, and Jeremy Stone. Who are they you ask? Doesn’t matter because they came here all starry eyed and ambitious and I kicked them in the nuts and sent them back crying, to their cushy hometown cubicle jobs. 

Now strap that saddle on your back, day-job-boy, and on five hours sleep a night make that indentured servants pay. Top it off with three over priced unhealthy meals a day and now you’re ready. Clear those bleary, sleep deprived eyes. You’ve got a show to do. That is, if you can sign up before the other hundred would be comics make it there first. 

Oh yes, I’ll let you chase your dream. Might even let you catch it, but you’re going to do it on my terms!

Yours truly,

Lady Liberty (aka. The Big Apple/New York)