News Chunks

The Palin Strikes Back

Everyone’s favorite abstinence counselor slash teenage single mother, Bristol Palin, has made it to the finals of Dancing with the Stars.

She’s advancing to the finals despite the judges saying she was less qualified than the other dancers. When she heard, Sarah Palin winked at her husband and said, “She gets that from me.”

A Wisconsin man was so angry with the results that he shot his TV in disgust.

-On the positive side he now has a flat screen TV.

-His wife said it’s nothing new, we lose a TV every time a Target commercial comes on.

Darwin Juice

Makers of Four Loko have agreed to stop shipments to New York when the city (in a Godfather voice) made them an offer they couldn’t refuse.

For those of you not in the know, Four Loko is an alcohol infused energy drink. Yes, an alcoholic beverage that gets you drunk but gives you the energy to stay awake so you can make even more bad decisions.

All those times you were drinking, waking up with so many questions. Now you’ll be able to stay awake and finally figure out what happened to your pants.

State liquor authority said that a minor working undercover for the police was illegally sold Four Loko at 11 of 28 stores in the Bronx. So get this straight, kids, you’re too young to drink alcohol, but you’re old enough to be an undercover cop.

11 out of 28 stores. The kid would have bought Four Loko in every store but he stopped outside the other 17 to buy crack.

Dearest of Readers

To the reader(s?) of Letters from People:

You get to decide. The reason for the lack of posts is because Cory:

A) has discovered internet porn.
B) is experiencing a surge in stage-time and is devoting his minuscule amounts of available time to working on his act.
C) is currently on tour with Barney on ice.
D) is tired of the confining parameters of this blog, but not technically savvy enough to do anything about it.
E) is learning to spell diahreah.

Rest assured, Cory will be back with more posts at some point in the not-so-distant future.

The Club

Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is another edition of the “Letters from People” Global News update. Enjoy.

A plumber helped deliver his son in his bathroom. Doctors say within three months his son's head should stop looking like a plunger.

Tar balls have been found off Key West which signifies the oil spill is spreading or those water tight baby diapers aren’t working.

A Minessota car accident unleashed 17 million bees. So many pent up bees, so few flowers, National Geographic's calling it Floral Bukake.

Fran Drescher talked about her gay ex-husband. It was love at first sight and gay at first sound of her voice.

Arizona Gov. to meet with Obama this week to discuss immigration. The meeting will not take place in Arizona due to Obama being unable to find his ID.

John Mayer had a mystery illness which forced the cancellation of his European shows. Doctors couldn't find his ailment but agreed his body was a wonderland.

Sarah Palin blamed environmentalist for the gulf disaster. She said the U.S. wouldn’t need so much oil if they’d stop using all of it to drive to the forrest and hug all those trees.

McDonald’s recalled 12 million toxic Shrek glasses. People who drank from them reported turning green and seeing everything in 3-D.

Tennis sensation Laura Robson has called some competing players sluts. Rivals say she’s good at tennis and bad with men for the same reason: She constantly whacks balls to other girls.

A N.C. candidate is attempting to debunk the myth that he's a drug addict with a criminal past. If elected, he'll prove it right after he pardons himself.

Rush Limbaugh weds wife #4. Promises not to eat this one.

Obama spoke at a high school graduation. He then offered students with acne jobs in the gulf citing their years of experience in oil displacement techniques.

A recent study finds that video gamers bodies are like 60 year old chain smokers. 60 year old chain smokers protested the study saying it unfairly links them with a bunch of unhealthy virgins.

Tea party candidate Fiorna was caught on camera criticizing opponent Barbara boxers hair style. The following are excerpts from their debate on MTV’s Yo Mama:

Your hairstyle is so bad...

-not even John Edwards would sleep with you.

-Donald trump wants the number of your stylist.

Your hairstyle is so old...

-Dick Cheney remembers waterboarding it in highschool.

-Congress has passed a bill making it a historical preservation site.

-Your lice have moved on to the iron age.

A Harvard student brought from Mexico to the U.S. at 4 may be deported. Immigration says they would let him become a United States citizen but after studying at Harvard, he's now overqualified for the job.

The U.S. has dramatically increased oil spill estimates again. Officials credit a female inspector who said life has taught her that men are always lying when they say, don’t worry, not much will come out.

A man found $58 dollars in dog doo. Which he then used to buy $58 in hand sanitizer.

Animals and fish are fleeing the gulf oil spill. Scientists are now testing the effects of massive amounts of oil on sea life by studying swimming areas frequented by the cast of The Jersey shore.

Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here’s another official “Letters from People” Global News update.

Prosecutors say a man sexually assaulted a female passenger on a plane. It all started when she asked if she could eat his nuts.

Bill Clinton raffled himself off to pay down Hillary’s campaign debt. Non-bidding women at the auction agreed, why buy the cow when you can milk him for free?

Study shows children in rural areas just as likely to die from guns as kids in city. Millions of taxpayer’s dollars prove that no matter where you live, a bullet will kill you.

A Georgia history teacher let students wear clan outfits. The activity was a response to students asking what white people did for fun when they ran out of Indians.

A Kaplan college teacher told students they can't speak Spanish in class. Rules clearly state if you’re smart enough to speak two languages, please go to a real college.

Octomom united with PETA for a spay and neuter campaign. Look for her on posters above the word “Before.”

A Missouri school is fining students for cursing. First offense is five dollars, second is 10, and on the third they just give up and enlist you in the Navy. The principle said that regardless of their connection to staff no-one would be favored pointing out that recently a teacher even fined her student for cussing while she had sex with him.

Lady Gaga loves rumors that she has a penis. It's keeps attention away from the tasseled scrotum.

Obama heckled his heckler at a fundraiser. The President first berated the man's multi-colored sweater, then asked him how he'd like it if he came to his house kicking teleprompters off of his stage.

Tennis star returns after breast reduction surgery. Networks cancel first match scheduled to be in 3-D.

Letters from People's Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is the official "Letters from People" Global News update.

NFL defensive rookie of the year, Brian Cushing, tested positive for fertility drugs. All suspicions were laid to rest when, after winning the big game, Cushing bypassed dumping Gatorade on the coach, and instead broke his water over him.

A growing number of economists are encouraging students not to go to college. And thus, poor people, begins your first college test: What should you do when encouraged not to go to college by a secure, well paid, highly educated economist worried about the rising price in lap dances?

Sammy Sosa is reportedly black again. Doctors say he’s recovering quickly but warned that he may never dance well again.

An overwhelmed UCLA student faked her own kidnapping. She was planning on just dropping out but thought, as a theatre major, she should spice things up.

Playboy is set to unveil a 3-D centerfold. The magazine is said to be killing two birds with one stone by making the 3-D activate only when the reader sticks the pages together. It's the first copy of playboy where things will shoot out from the page as opposed to onto it.

Letters from People's Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is another official “Letters from People” Global News update.

A report on government abuse shows members of congress used military transportation for even local travel. One congressman said his military escort was necessary because he was going mattress shopping and was afraid of running into Al Qeada sleeper cells.

The New York based maker of Arizona Tea got caught up in a boycott. The California based Pennsylvania Sushi Taco makers union thinks protested the tea saying it's disingenuous.

Rep. Gene Taylor of Michigan compared the Gulf oil spill to chocolate milk saying it will eventually break up. Residents who have to live near the spill have compared his re-election campaign to the after effects of eating a burrito saying at first there is a lot of noise and then, boom, it gets flushed down the toilet.

The Pentagon revealed the secret number of nuclear warheads in it’s arsenal. Many have criticized the government for being too open but pentagon officials say no one can argue against the fact that this has been the most effective strategy for eliminating Al Qaeda spy networks.

Tennessee republican Tom Kirkland says in his military days "Gays were taken care of.” He wouldn't explain how, but pointed to his book debuting next year called, "Foxhole Lovin."

A California woman is raising 36 foster children. Her online dating profile says, “Must like kids/potential basketball teams.” She says she doesn’t worry about the kids running away but hasn’t found a way to keep that from happening when she brings home a guy home and tells him, “Try not to wake up my 36 kids.”

An Australian town was forced to import sperm from the US. The Australian clinic, seeking the fastest most direct route to massive quantities of unused American sperm, put an add directly onto Xbox live.