Dear Mr. Jarvis,
We would like to first thank you for making Google your home page and your search engine of choice for all your daily, and as you put it, nightly needs.
In response to your first request, we apologize but due to policy we can not save just the two sites you requested and erase all other search fields containing the words “Cory Jarvis.” Erasing all other fields would violate our policy of fairness for millions of other Google users named Cory Jarvis.
In response to your second request we again apologize, but we can not eliminate all other Cory Jarvises with more significant life achievements than you. Doing so would take us back to your first request: we would violate our policy of fairness to millions of other Google users. As is standard procedure, we did research as to who would be left if we did grant your second request and found that it would be you, a kid who makes bombs using household items, and a comedian in the Appalachian mountains with one less stage credit.
Thank you for your enquiry and have a wonderful day.
Long live Google and it’s destruction of the Encyclopedia Britannica!
Sincerely,
The humble folks at Google
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