Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here’s another official “Letters from People” Global News update.

Prosecutors say a man sexually assaulted a female passenger on a plane. It all started when she asked if she could eat his nuts.

Bill Clinton raffled himself off to pay down Hillary’s campaign debt. Non-bidding women at the auction agreed, why buy the cow when you can milk him for free?

Study shows children in rural areas just as likely to die from guns as kids in city. Millions of taxpayer’s dollars prove that no matter where you live, a bullet will kill you.

A Georgia history teacher let students wear clan outfits. The activity was a response to students asking what white people did for fun when they ran out of Indians.

A Kaplan college teacher told students they can't speak Spanish in class. Rules clearly state if you’re smart enough to speak two languages, please go to a real college.

Octomom united with PETA for a spay and neuter campaign. Look for her on posters above the word “Before.”

A Missouri school is fining students for cursing. First offense is five dollars, second is 10, and on the third they just give up and enlist you in the Navy. The principle said that regardless of their connection to staff no-one would be favored pointing out that recently a teacher even fined her student for cussing while she had sex with him.

Lady Gaga loves rumors that she has a penis. It's keeps attention away from the tasseled scrotum.

Obama heckled his heckler at a fundraiser. The President first berated the man's multi-colored sweater, then asked him how he'd like it if he came to his house kicking teleprompters off of his stage.

Tennis star returns after breast reduction surgery. Networks cancel first match scheduled to be in 3-D.

Letters from People's Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is the official "Letters from People" Global News update.

NFL defensive rookie of the year, Brian Cushing, tested positive for fertility drugs. All suspicions were laid to rest when, after winning the big game, Cushing bypassed dumping Gatorade on the coach, and instead broke his water over him.

A growing number of economists are encouraging students not to go to college. And thus, poor people, begins your first college test: What should you do when encouraged not to go to college by a secure, well paid, highly educated economist worried about the rising price in lap dances?

Sammy Sosa is reportedly black again. Doctors say he’s recovering quickly but warned that he may never dance well again.

An overwhelmed UCLA student faked her own kidnapping. She was planning on just dropping out but thought, as a theatre major, she should spice things up.

Playboy is set to unveil a 3-D centerfold. The magazine is said to be killing two birds with one stone by making the 3-D activate only when the reader sticks the pages together. It's the first copy of playboy where things will shoot out from the page as opposed to onto it.

Letters from People's Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is another official “Letters from People” Global News update.

A report on government abuse shows members of congress used military transportation for even local travel. One congressman said his military escort was necessary because he was going mattress shopping and was afraid of running into Al Qeada sleeper cells.

The New York based maker of Arizona Tea got caught up in a boycott. The California based Pennsylvania Sushi Taco makers union thinks protested the tea saying it's disingenuous.

Rep. Gene Taylor of Michigan compared the Gulf oil spill to chocolate milk saying it will eventually break up. Residents who have to live near the spill have compared his re-election campaign to the after effects of eating a burrito saying at first there is a lot of noise and then, boom, it gets flushed down the toilet.

The Pentagon revealed the secret number of nuclear warheads in it’s arsenal. Many have criticized the government for being too open but pentagon officials say no one can argue against the fact that this has been the most effective strategy for eliminating Al Qaeda spy networks.

Tennessee republican Tom Kirkland says in his military days "Gays were taken care of.” He wouldn't explain how, but pointed to his book debuting next year called, "Foxhole Lovin."

A California woman is raising 36 foster children. Her online dating profile says, “Must like kids/potential basketball teams.” She says she doesn’t worry about the kids running away but hasn’t found a way to keep that from happening when she brings home a guy home and tells him, “Try not to wake up my 36 kids.”

An Australian town was forced to import sperm from the US. The Australian clinic, seeking the fastest most direct route to massive quantities of unused American sperm, put an add directly onto Xbox live.

Apps for a galaxy far, far, far away from here.

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Seeing as how you are a geek, we thought you might be interested in the following exciting products soon to be available to a select few in the galaxy.

Letters from People's Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is the official "Letters from People" Global News update.

Texas governor, Rick Perry, shot and killed a coyote while on a jog. He then turned to the camera, said, "MEEP, MEEP!" and sped off.

Mad men actor Vincent Kartheiser says he lives in a home without a toilet. Neighbors questioned his lack of basic necessities but stopped when their gardens began to flourish.

Refried bean swastikas were smeared on the Arizona state Capitol windows. They were later wrapped in tortillas and set ablaze as crowds cheered the opening of the Mexican-German festival.

A Nebraska court house features an official picture of President Obama smoking. Officials claimed they weren't being racist, they just needed a quick replacement for the pic of a monkey they used to have there.

Brazil’s Health Minister’s solution for the nation’s rising high blood pressure is to have more sex. He delivered the entire speech, back to the audience, facing his wife.

An anonymous donor gave a $17,000 diamond to the good will.The next day a homeless guy bought it for .25 cents.

Teen gives up bid to sail around the world solo. His girlfriend called and said okay, I get it, I'll show you my boobs already.