Letters from People's Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is the official "Letters from People" Global News update.

Texas governor, Rick Perry, shot and killed a coyote while on a jog. He then turned to the camera, said, "MEEP, MEEP!" and sped off.

Mad men actor Vincent Kartheiser says he lives in a home without a toilet. Neighbors questioned his lack of basic necessities but stopped when their gardens began to flourish.

Refried bean swastikas were smeared on the Arizona state Capitol windows. They were later wrapped in tortillas and set ablaze as crowds cheered the opening of the Mexican-German festival.

A Nebraska court house features an official picture of President Obama smoking. Officials claimed they weren't being racist, they just needed a quick replacement for the pic of a monkey they used to have there.

Brazil’s Health Minister’s solution for the nation’s rising high blood pressure is to have more sex. He delivered the entire speech, back to the audience, facing his wife.

An anonymous donor gave a $17,000 diamond to the good will.The next day a homeless guy bought it for .25 cents.

Teen gives up bid to sail around the world solo. His girlfriend called and said okay, I get it, I'll show you my boobs already.

YOU MUST READ THIS NOW!!!!!

You may not know this sender. Mark as safe|Mark as junk

Sent: Thu 7/02/09 1:33 PM

teabagger@aol.com; Keith olbermann obamaisjesus@yahoo.com; bill O’reilly republicansarentgay@yahoo.com; cory Jarvis (pleaserofnoladies@hotmail.com); tightshirtsmakemesexy@hotmail.com; hairlip@yahoo.com; roN jeremy frankencyack@yahoo.com; under.wear.smelly@verizon.net; wookielover@verizon.net; girls@gonewild.com; George Bush kegmaster@verizon.net; fatandfunky@verizon.net; Joe biden pimpinainteasy@verizon.net; Lickylikenstien@msn.com; J-lo@all-butts.com; thirdnipple@global.net; capt.crunch@aol.com; 50 cent 2quarters@earthlink.net; Ann coulter poopypants@yahoo.com; ojsimpson@guilty.com; butterbutt@aol.com

Sent: 7/2/2259 10:18:07 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time

Subj: THE SKY IS FALLING!!!

 

If this is true, it is way too important to overlook!!!!!!!!!!!

Obama is a Muslim!! A recent poll has shown that all muslims support 

> Obama (Even someone named BIN LADEN!!!). With so many muslims supporting him how 

>can we trust him? He also has a secret MUSLIM LOVER. Check the picture. How come the

> liberal press won’t show you it?! Pssss, (whisper) they're muslims too! 

> 

>The Government wants to destroy health care for senior citizens. Obama’s grandmother was a 

>senior citizen, she made him wait in lines, now he wants revenge! People in Europe, Canada, 

>and other countries I’ve never been to have to wait months to see a doctor. Why should you 

>have to wait in line so everyone can have health insurance?!

> 

> In England , anyone over 59 cannot receive heart repairs, stents or bypass because it is not 

>covered as being too expensive and not needed. That’s right, in England old people just die 

>everywhere, people step right over them in the street!

> 

> Looks like Obama is sure keeping his word .....Changes. Bad changes. Changes >we don’t 

>need, America. Just ask anyone who is independently wealthy or has never had a major illness

>THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH OUR HEALTH CARE!! 

> 

> 

> Besides, Americans don’t want socialized medical care (whatever that means!).

> Those commie bastards already have the post office and my recent issue of 

>Guns& Ammo was two days late. TWO DAYS LATE! Everyone at the assault rifle

>pot luck knew about the Death grip 220 and I didn’t. Can you imagine my embarrassment?!

> Don’t let this happen to health care!!!

> 

>  SAD!!!

>

> Please do not let Obama sign our death warrants! 

>  

> 

>Beware of the Y3K 41 virus. Once infected, if you open any e-mails, left click your 

>mouse, or sneeze it will erase your hard drive and kill a puppy!

> 

>My name is Didjabooty and my father is king of Zambiria. Recently he was kid- 

>napped by a band of forrest gnomes. They want 10 million dollars to release him. Please open 

>a bank account, send me $2000 and I will put 11 million in the account. Give 10 million to the 

>fairy at midnight and you can keep the rest!!!

> 

> 

> This is being sent anonymously by a hard working American who doesn’t work for 

> any industries that might be affected by what is written above. I’m just a person 

> who knows most Americans will believe everything as written and without doing 

> any research will regurgitate this to friends and family as fact.

> 

>Forward this to your ten closest friends or they will die of dysentery!

RSS Feed

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-Obama, seeking to reassure gays, tied their struggles with African Americans saying both our people have been hosed by men in police officers uniforms. As a symbolic gesture he opened a white house closet and three Republicans came out.

-Mississippi, named the fattest state, voted to become Misisipi to accommodate wheezing citizens.

-Walmart backs government health care plan. All employees will be issued new health insurance kit which contains an orange, a rectal thermometer, and a Magic 8 Ball.

-Sarah Palin bragged she could beat Obama in running. White House staff declined the challenge citing the race, which starts in the middle of Harlem at 3 AM, would favor Palin.

-E.Coli confirmed in Nestle Toll House cookies. Witnesses say they heard grunting from inside the fridge, and when they opened the door, a short, white, pants-less male fled the scene with a devilish grin, letting out a high pitched coo. Police have released this sketch of what the subject may look like:

RSS Feed

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-French Prime Minister Sarkozy called for banning the Burqa, said, “We can not know whether you truly are French until you remove that Burqa and show us your armpit hair!”

-The pentagon will open a new command for cyberspace. Recruiting has already begun at Star trek conventions all over. Incentives for joining include one free year of World of Warcraft, an email address ending with @cybercommander.com, and unlimited pop-tarts. Their  new slogan is, Cybercommand: We’re looking for a few good virgins.

-Blackeyed Peas road manager asked gossip blogger Perez Hilton why he felt qualified to criticize people when he can’t sing, act, dance - then punched Perez in the eye - or fight. (To hear the audio of Perez being hit, play the first 3 seconds of Prince’s “Your Kiss.”)

-Many Sharks face extinction which has left drunk surf instructors pondering a new animal to attribute appendix removal scar to.

-Obama, an occasional smoker, signed anti smoking bills. Other legislation passed:

McCain signed Anti-Hi Fiving bill.

Bristol Palin signed No Child Left behind in her Womb bill.

Samuel Jackson helped sponsor Hollywood anti-profanity laws.

-Chinese Central bank chief Zhou Xiaochuan argued to replace the dollar. He said, “The dollar had become so toxic that not even Chinese toy manufactures would use it.”

A letter from the honorable Senator Westmoreland

As a member of the Republican Senator Lynn Westmoreland fanclub, I thought I'd share the most recent letter I received.

Dear Fanclub,

It’s all over the liberal news so you’ve probably heard by now, yes, it’s true, I called Barrack Obama “uppity.” Now, I told the liberal press that I didn’t know the word was offensive but y’all know I knew. What can I say, I’m from Georgia. Being from Georgia and not being racist is like being half black and not being an unholy muslim. It just don’t make no sense. 

Now, the leftist conspiracy mill has of recent run amuck with rumors of me and a certain gentleman locking ourselves into the local Blue Oyster bar’s bathroom. Let me put this cow to pasture once and for all. Truth be told here, I have to say that since the democraps stold congress, well, my pay just ain’t what it used to be. As many of you already know, I was not always just a hardworking lawmaker. No, my patriotism extends from the halls of congress all the way to your septic tank. I do a little side plumbing from time to time and on this particular occasion, my assistant, Sven and I, were knee deep in it ya’ll. That’s also accounting for why Sven was wearing his red sequined speedos. The man loves his work and ain’t afraid to get deep into it. God bless him! So you see, simple and innocent. Did I mention my middle name ain’t Hussein. 

God Bless America, the great state of Georgia, and anybody who doesn’t vote for that Uppity Obama boy. 

Sincerely,

Senator Lynn Westmoreland