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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

New York City is buying plane tickets for homeless people to send them out of the city. These are the only flights allowed to fly with the doors open.

Actress Megan Fox, beautiful girl, has pictures and videos all over the internet...I guess a lot of guys are getting tired of seeing her. Some popular male blog sites have come together and declared Aug. 4th a “No Megan Fox” day. The need a break. They say they need time to let the chaffed skin heel, and the computer screens dry off.

Sarah Palin in her resignation speech, told the press in honor of the American soldier, they should quit making things up. Just then a reporter pointed to her left, shouted “Moose!” and she turned and shot a cameraman. 

Some iPhone apps help users avoid police speed traps, count cards at the black jack table, and find medicinal marijuana sellers reports Fox news. A new app currently in the works will help readers find real news on Fox.

The MTA does actually reply to mail

Cory,

So, you want to kick my ass, huh?! Ha! Sure, come on over. First off, you gotta take the W train to get here. Wait a minute, what’s that? Oh yeah, that lines been shut down. You didn’t think we’d just raise the fares, did you? We’re not just gonna bend you over and quit there!  

I’d pick you up at the station myself but I have no idea where it is. That’s right, America’s largest public transportation system pays me so well, I don’t have to use it. I drive, baby! If you do ever catch me though, I’m certain you’d be able to kick my ass since you’ll be in such incredible shape from all that walking. 

Where’d all the money go? you ask. Did you see the lit up circle and diamond signs on the side of the 7 trains? The ones that replaced the signs that are still on the train. The ones we leave to people, after days of getting on the wrong train, to figure out what they mean. Those weren’t cheap. Plus the girl that cleans the F train doesn’t work for peanuts (I should say didn’t, we’ve renegotiated her contract).

Truthfully, I’ll tell you this because I care. In the end you’ll see the reality of this just as the rest of us who spend exorbitant amounts of money to live in the city do. If you can’t afford to come into Manhattan, you should stay in the outer boroughs where you belong. Look at the bright side, at least you’ll still have the G train...well, until midnight. HAHAHA!

Long live the MTA! Where your stimulus is our fare hike.

Smiling through the recession,

Your MTA chairman