Dear Mr. Jarvis,
Here is your weekly Global News update.
-Obama, seeking to reassure gays, tied their struggles with African Americans saying both our people have been hosed by men in police officers uniforms. As a symbolic gesture he opened a white house closet and three Republicans came out.
-Mississippi, named the fattest state, voted to become Misisipi to accommodate wheezing citizens.
-Walmart backs government health care plan. All employees will be issued new health insurance kit which contains an orange, a rectal thermometer, and a Magic 8 Ball.
-Sarah Palin bragged she could beat Obama in running. White House staff declined the challenge citing the race, which starts in the middle of Harlem at 3 AM, would favor Palin.
-E.Coli confirmed in Nestle Toll House cookies. Witnesses say they heard grunting from inside the fridge, and when they opened the door, a short, white, pants-less male fled the scene with a devilish grin, letting out a high pitched coo. Police have released this sketch of what the subject may look like:
