Letters from People's Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is the official "Letters from People" Global News update.

NFL defensive rookie of the year, Brian Cushing, tested positive for fertility drugs. All suspicions were laid to rest when, after winning the big game, Cushing bypassed dumping Gatorade on the coach, and instead broke his water over him.

A growing number of economists are encouraging students not to go to college. And thus, poor people, begins your first college test: What should you do when encouraged not to go to college by a secure, well paid, highly educated economist worried about the rising price in lap dances?

Sammy Sosa is reportedly black again. Doctors say he’s recovering quickly but warned that he may never dance well again.

An overwhelmed UCLA student faked her own kidnapping. She was planning on just dropping out but thought, as a theatre major, she should spice things up.

Playboy is set to unveil a 3-D centerfold. The magazine is said to be killing two birds with one stone by making the 3-D activate only when the reader sticks the pages together. It's the first copy of playboy where things will shoot out from the page as opposed to onto it.

Letters from People's Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is another official “Letters from People” Global News update.

A report on government abuse shows members of congress used military transportation for even local travel. One congressman said his military escort was necessary because he was going mattress shopping and was afraid of running into Al Qeada sleeper cells.

The New York based maker of Arizona Tea got caught up in a boycott. The California based Pennsylvania Sushi Taco makers union thinks protested the tea saying it's disingenuous.

Rep. Gene Taylor of Michigan compared the Gulf oil spill to chocolate milk saying it will eventually break up. Residents who have to live near the spill have compared his re-election campaign to the after effects of eating a burrito saying at first there is a lot of noise and then, boom, it gets flushed down the toilet.

The Pentagon revealed the secret number of nuclear warheads in it’s arsenal. Many have criticized the government for being too open but pentagon officials say no one can argue against the fact that this has been the most effective strategy for eliminating Al Qaeda spy networks.

Tennessee republican Tom Kirkland says in his military days "Gays were taken care of.” He wouldn't explain how, but pointed to his book debuting next year called, "Foxhole Lovin."

A California woman is raising 36 foster children. Her online dating profile says, “Must like kids/potential basketball teams.” She says she doesn’t worry about the kids running away but hasn’t found a way to keep that from happening when she brings home a guy home and tells him, “Try not to wake up my 36 kids.”

An Australian town was forced to import sperm from the US. The Australian clinic, seeking the fastest most direct route to massive quantities of unused American sperm, put an add directly onto Xbox live.

Apps for a galaxy far, far, far away from here.

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Seeing as how you are a geek, we thought you might be interested in the following exciting products soon to be available to a select few in the galaxy.

Letters from People's Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is the official "Letters from People" Global News update.

Texas governor, Rick Perry, shot and killed a coyote while on a jog. He then turned to the camera, said, "MEEP, MEEP!" and sped off.

Mad men actor Vincent Kartheiser says he lives in a home without a toilet. Neighbors questioned his lack of basic necessities but stopped when their gardens began to flourish.

Refried bean swastikas were smeared on the Arizona state Capitol windows. They were later wrapped in tortillas and set ablaze as crowds cheered the opening of the Mexican-German festival.

A Nebraska court house features an official picture of President Obama smoking. Officials claimed they weren't being racist, they just needed a quick replacement for the pic of a monkey they used to have there.

Brazil’s Health Minister’s solution for the nation’s rising high blood pressure is to have more sex. He delivered the entire speech, back to the audience, facing his wife.

An anonymous donor gave a $17,000 diamond to the good will.The next day a homeless guy bought it for .25 cents.

Teen gives up bid to sail around the world solo. His girlfriend called and said okay, I get it, I'll show you my boobs already.

Letters from People's Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is the latest edition of the “Letters from People” Global News update. Enjoy.

A woman found a rat in a Chef Boyardee can. Hurry kids, if you want to be allowed in the magical Boyardee factory, there are only seven more rats out there!

As protests continue the US warns citizens about travel to Thailand. Officials especially warned men hoping to pick up young Thai girls saying that if the woman has a bulge in her pants, whether protester or not, you’re about to be robbed of something.

Nebraska’s Gov. is set to sign a bill requiring women to be screened for mental health before being allowed to have an abortion. Republicans rallied around him after statistics showed that allowing mentally unstable women to terminate their pregnancy would cause future shortages in tea party membership.

A California man made threats to Nancy Polosi because he was angered over health care. He later apologized, admitted he was a recently laid-off health insurance claim inspector, and said keeping people in pain is a hard habit to break.

An Alaskan eagle survived a death spiral plunge after a mid-air mating dance.The worst part of it all is the eagle didn't even like the other bird but was just being a wing-man for his friend who flew off with a chubby pigeon.

Michelle Obama made an official visit to Mexico. During her tour she found a new way to help obese American kids that involves factory work sponsored by the Gap.

Cookbook recipe calls for ground black people. To be fair, right before that it says to smash all the crackers.

A poll finds tea party backers wealthier and more educated than the general public. How white are these people? Let's just put it this way, some of them were calling John McCain the n word.

S.E.C. staffers were busy watching porn as the economy crashed. They said women at the bars repeatedly rejected they're I.P.O’s so the needed a way to get their stocks up.

7-eleven introduced their own brand of beer. Company execs say it's just one more exciting product they can offer customers wanting explosive diarrhea.

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Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is yet another edition of the “Letters from People” Global News update. Enjoy.

Police have arrested two women after they tried to enter a plane with the body of a dead relative. They got caught when the stewardess asked him if he wanted aisle or window and they responded with, “Overhead bin, please.”

Virginia Governor Robert McDonnel brought back confederate history month without mentioning slavery. It’s part of the state’s new “Visit the Real Virginia” tourism campaign which also offers guests a mullet, a “I heart shotguns” wife-beater, and free front teeth removal.

The Wisconsin D.A. threatened to arrest sex Ed. teachers.The teachers, deep into the lesson, were reaching the climax of their lecture when they were prematurely pulled out and the lesson was blown.The D.A. claimed some of the class themes were too big for high school students to which the teachers replied, it's not the size of the lecture that counts but the material within it.

Kate Gosselin says it remains a challenge being a mother of 8 kids and competing on a hit show. Most Americans can relate to that as it remains a challenge to watch Kate Gosselin get on another hit show.

An Australian doctor declared that the cure for all common health ailments is a strong dose of Vitamin D. Experts question the validity of his statement especially because he announced it while standing on a bar stool and pointing at his thrusting pelvis.

Letters from People's Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is another edition of the “Letters from People” Global News update. Enjoy.

A Florida urologist is refusing to treat Obama supporters. They’re easy to spot he said because their urine sample cup is filled with hope.

Flash mobs gathered in around 150 cities worldwide to take part in international pillow fight day. Feathers were flying everywhere, it got so exciting that while flying overhead, not wanting to miss out, two ducks turned and slammed into each other.

An Amazon rep. claims a lost package was eaten by an alligator. They got it back though because it turns out even the digestive system of a croc. can't handle Sarah Palin’s new book.

US rep. Hank Wilson opposes adding more troops to Guam for fear the island will tip over. He also wanted to add a limit to the distances the navy could go in order to keep them from falling off the earth. And recently after watching Harry Potter he pushed for a bill to end British dominance of magic schools.

Movie Review

Clash of the Titans: Best comedy of the year. Just like the first one without all the messy character development. And best part ladies, now every time your man goes the bathroom you get to hear: Release the KRAKEN! Oh, and if it hadn’t been for the two minutes of 3-D footage in the 2 hour movie, fans may have felt cheated.