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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

- A 1st grader brought a multi-tool fork/knife/spoon to show off at school and was suspended for 45 days. You can’t be too strict with these kids these days, the school has a zero tolerance policy, especially after last years Twinkie extortion ring.

- A fugitive was busted after making a cop his friend on Facebook. The fugitive had no idea he was an officer when he poked him. After putting him in jail the officer said now he’ll get all the pokes he needs.

-Ten months into his presidency Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace prize. He shared the stage with a 6 year old boy awarded for finding the cure to cancer 26 years from now. People have started questioning the legitimacy of the committee ever since they made Myspace pages and listed Tila Tequila, Dane Cook, and Tom as their top friends.

- Jon Gosselin of “Jon and Kate plus 8” has been ordered to return $180,000 dollars to Kate. Jon said he understood the kids need new clothes but then pleaded, “Do have any idea how much a date costs in LA?”

- The group of businessmen trying to buy the Rams dropped Rush Limbaugh as a partner. They had problems with his trying to save money in the contract by stipulating that all black players be transported game to game by boat in shackles. He said it was an ongoing effort by the left to destroy conservatism. By left he means everyone who hates him and by conservatism he means old crabby guys with lame radio shows.

- On the eve of the vote for health care reform, the insurance industry released a study saying that the proposed bill will wind up costing more than advertised.

The study showed that keeping all Americans healthy and happy was going to cost almost as much as the insurance industry spent on the study.

They said the bill had striking similarities to one of their insurance plans. They tell you how much it’ll cost, then when you use it, it costs more.

They used a simple formula to come up with the results: Credible science guy + facts = true results ÷ new summer house for formerly credible science guy = new facts.

RSS Feed

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-A new study shows that Disabled students are spanked more often then normal ones. A spokesperson from the Teachers Union said it wasn’t the intention of teachers to spank the disabled kids more, it’s just that they’re easier to catch and tend to complain less.

- Sony Pictures is making a new Michael Jackson movie. Titles that almost made the cut:

Lord of the Rings 4: Rise of the Elf King
Enter the DragQueen
Michael and the Children: The Way You Make Me Feel
You are not Alone: The Story of MJ’s doctor and Bubba from Cell Block D
Bloodsuckers: The Parents who sent their kids to Neverland Ranch
Transformers 3: Optimus Nose

-The Government has encouraged farmers to protect their pigs from swine flu. The Farmers have agreed for the next month not to kiss them on the lips.

- Changes being made at the Eagles stadium now that Michael Vick is signed:

DJ’s banned from playing “Who Let the Dogs Out.”
Players must distract Vick every time Metlife Snoopy commercial airs.
Fans must scream “defeat” instead of “kill,” “beat,” or “slaughter” the Bears, Lions, or Dolphins.
Clowns must remove blow up poodles from repertoire.
Any player being kept awake by neighbors yipping chiwawa is allowed to have Vick sleep over.
No more team “Bring your pet to batting practice” day.

-Miley Cyrus performed her latest single with background redneck dancers while singing in front of a stripper pole. Her fans are relieved she hasn’t strayed from her roots and - this Hannah Montana thing won’t last forever- Dad's happy she can slide right into that second career.

- Health Care town hall meeting have turned into shouting matches as Republican groups claim Democrats are trying to kill their grandmothers. The Democrats said, “We are not trying to kill your grandmothers! We just want them to die a little faster.”