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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-A new study shows that Disabled students are spanked more often then normal ones. A spokesperson from the Teachers Union said it wasn’t the intention of teachers to spank the disabled kids more, it’s just that they’re easier to catch and tend to complain less.

- Sony Pictures is making a new Michael Jackson movie. Titles that almost made the cut:

Lord of the Rings 4: Rise of the Elf King
Enter the DragQueen
Michael and the Children: The Way You Make Me Feel
You are not Alone: The Story of MJ’s doctor and Bubba from Cell Block D
Bloodsuckers: The Parents who sent their kids to Neverland Ranch
Transformers 3: Optimus Nose

-The Government has encouraged farmers to protect their pigs from swine flu. The Farmers have agreed for the next month not to kiss them on the lips.

- Changes being made at the Eagles stadium now that Michael Vick is signed:

DJ’s banned from playing “Who Let the Dogs Out.”
Players must distract Vick every time Metlife Snoopy commercial airs.
Fans must scream “defeat” instead of “kill,” “beat,” or “slaughter” the Bears, Lions, or Dolphins.
Clowns must remove blow up poodles from repertoire.
Any player being kept awake by neighbors yipping chiwawa is allowed to have Vick sleep over.
No more team “Bring your pet to batting practice” day.

-Miley Cyrus performed her latest single with background redneck dancers while singing in front of a stripper pole. Her fans are relieved she hasn’t strayed from her roots and - this Hannah Montana thing won’t last forever- Dad's happy she can slide right into that second career.

- Health Care town hall meeting have turned into shouting matches as Republican groups claim Democrats are trying to kill their grandmothers. The Democrats said, “We are not trying to kill your grandmothers! We just want them to die a little faster.”