Dear Mr. Jarvis,- A 1st grader brought a multi-tool fork/knife/spoon to show off at school and was suspended for 45 days. You can’t be too strict with these kids these days, the school has a zero tolerance policy, especially after last years Twinkie extortion ring.
- A fugitive was busted after making a cop his friend on Facebook. The fugitive had no idea he was an officer when he poked him. After putting him in jail the officer said now he’ll get all the pokes he needs.
-Ten months into his presidency Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace prize. He shared the stage with a 6 year old boy awarded for finding the cure to cancer 26 years from now. People have started questioning the legitimacy of the committee ever since they made Myspace pages and listed Tila Tequila, Dane Cook, and Tom as their top friends.
- Jon Gosselin of “Jon and Kate plus 8” has been ordered to return $180,000 dollars to Kate. Jon said he understood the kids need new clothes but then pleaded, “Do have any idea how much a date costs in LA?”
- The group of businessmen trying to buy the Rams dropped Rush Limbaugh as a partner. They had problems with his trying to save money in the contract by stipulating that all black players be transported game to game by boat in shackles. He said it was an ongoing effort by the left to destroy conservatism. By left he means everyone who hates him and by conservatism he means old crabby guys with lame radio shows.
- On the eve of the vote for health care reform, the insurance industry released a study saying that the proposed bill will wind up costing more than advertised.
The study showed that keeping all Americans healthy and happy was going to cost almost as much as the insurance industry spent on the study.
They said the bill had striking similarities to one of their insurance plans. They tell you how much it’ll cost, then when you use it, it costs more.
They used a simple formula to come up with the results: Credible science guy + facts = true results ÷ new summer house for formerly credible science guy = new facts.
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