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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

- Security council to tighten sanctions on North Korea. Things to be cut include No Fro Hair Tonic, Khaki factory worker’s clothes, and sunglasses from the 1970s.

- Carrie Prejean was stripped of the Miss California title. She claims all her problems stem from answering no when asked about whether or not gay marriage should be legal. When a reporter asked, didn’t she think Miss USA’s thoughts and opinions should be in line with the majority of the country she represented she replied, “Ewwww! Not if they’re gay!”

- Octomom the musical is in the works. Broadway producers said it was a “no brainer.” They expect to sell out the first 6 months with just the namesakes offspring alone. Producers said the play takes place inside the Octomom’s womb. They are currently looking for a more spacious venue.

- Contestants in a French reality show have won the rights to be treated as full time employees. The TV studio, owned by a giant corporation, eventually gave in to their demands, immediately cutting their pay, making them attend productivity and synergy meetings, and then had them create S.M.A.R.T. goals. Later that night, they all voted themselves off.

- A study shows that emergency room visits for computer injuries increased 700% over the last 7 years. Experts say these accidents go third on the list of least manly injuries just barely being beat out by a black eye from a water balloon fight, and spraining your two inner fingers at a Star Trek convention.

- Digital TV is coming but many Americans are not ready. Many people are confused as to what is the difference between TV with or without the digital converter box they have to buy. Congressional representatives declined to comment but a digital converter box employee said it was the difference between his wife shopping at Target or 5th Avenue.

- Brett Micheals, lead singer of 80’s metal band Poison, was recently injured during a performance. Micheals was backing up and ran into something being lowered, which forced him to quit playing. When asked what hit him a technician said, “Reality.”

RSS Feed

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update. 

While filming an action sequence in her new movie, Angelina Jolie was hit in the head by something and rushed to the hospital. The crew in the lot next door, filming a movie about the world's first female major league pitcher, starring Jennifer Aniston, had no comment.

GM, looking to start over after bankruptcy, has announced an all new line up of cars with the new flagship car an eco friendly vehicle that has massage chairs and an ejection seat for crashes. It’s called the “Stimulus-Bailout.”

The FDA formed an independent task force to figure out ways it can be more open with the public. The task force will be a broad coalition of industry professionals including peanut butter makers, tomato growers, Chinese dairy farmers, and hot dog venders from Times Square.

Republicans complained about the size, shape, and cost of the emerging Obama health care proposal. Republican leaders said, “We cannot saddle future generations with our debt. They’ll need that money to buy canes, crutches, and wheel chairs.”

Federal regulators have made sweeping changes to California waterways to help revive the dwindling salmon industry. Within the next several years they hope to have thousands of salmon mating in the drinking water. Regulators pointed to the past success of reducing cavities by adding fluoride and said, so to should childhood obesity rates drop, with the addition of fish protein. 

Miley Cyrus is set to design clothes for Walmart. When asked why she didn’t want to sell her clothes at a more upscale retailer she said she wanted the quality of her clothing line to match the quality of her music. The clothing line will be called, “Exploited.”

Team USA soccer is scheduled to play Honduras in a world cup qualifying match. In order to compete for viewership, networks not airing the game will run Egg Genie and Wonder Hanger infomercials along with reruns of Moesha.