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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

- There are hints of oligopoly as the 3 major beer companies are raising their prices at the same time. Budweiser said it would’ve done it alone but it knew that fat friend, big Government, would get in the way, so it called in wing-men Coors and Miller while it tried to screw the hot consumer.

- Energy officials are worried that natural gas tanks are reaching their storage capacity. Almost all tanks are at maximum. Even after spewing out natural gas all day, our reserve tank, Rush Limbaugh, is reported to be at capacity.

- CEO of Whole Foods, John Mackey, is in hot water. He wrote an article harshly criticizing Obama’s health care plan. He said Americans can’t afford to pay for everyone’s health insurance especially when they have to buy Whole Food’s 8 dollar rice crispy treats.

- The widow of a man buried face down above Marilyn Monroe is moving him sideways, over the grave that’ll eventually hold Hugh Heffner, to sell his spot to pay for her mortgage. Marilyn can roll over in her grave any way she wants, doesn’t matter, she’s getting screwed.

- A mother of two is going to be caned for drinking a beer which is illegal for Malaysian Muslims to do. She said if she had known she was going to take a hit for it, she would have ordered something better than a bud light.

- Computer scientists say one in five people looking on-line for Jessica Biel pictures will get a virus, thus making her the digital equivalent of Lindsay Lohan.

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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

L.A.’s safer city initiative makes it illegal to sleep, sit or store personal belongings on sidewalks and other places. A judge however, refused to criminalize camping out in front of movie theaters dressed like a jedi citing he could punish them no further than life already was.

Honduran leader Manuel Zelaya, who was ousted in his pajamas at bayonet point, has given his rival one week to step down. If his orders are not met, he will get very very angry, and give him just one more week to step down.

A teen not paying attention while walking and texting fell into a manhole. Here parents are suing the city for posting a sign and not warning passerbys by text.

A California bill is in the works to tax and regulate Marijuana which would raise more than $1.4 billion. Gov. Schwarzenegger says, “Our unemployment rate is really going to get “high” now!”

A Texas teenager became the youngest person to sail around the world. As he approached the dock, one of his astonished classmates was overheard saying, “Man, this puts to shame anything I’ve done to get a hand-job!”

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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update. 

While filming an action sequence in her new movie, Angelina Jolie was hit in the head by something and rushed to the hospital. The crew in the lot next door, filming a movie about the world's first female major league pitcher, starring Jennifer Aniston, had no comment.

GM, looking to start over after bankruptcy, has announced an all new line up of cars with the new flagship car an eco friendly vehicle that has massage chairs and an ejection seat for crashes. It’s called the “Stimulus-Bailout.”

The FDA formed an independent task force to figure out ways it can be more open with the public. The task force will be a broad coalition of industry professionals including peanut butter makers, tomato growers, Chinese dairy farmers, and hot dog venders from Times Square.

Republicans complained about the size, shape, and cost of the emerging Obama health care proposal. Republican leaders said, “We cannot saddle future generations with our debt. They’ll need that money to buy canes, crutches, and wheel chairs.”

Federal regulators have made sweeping changes to California waterways to help revive the dwindling salmon industry. Within the next several years they hope to have thousands of salmon mating in the drinking water. Regulators pointed to the past success of reducing cavities by adding fluoride and said, so to should childhood obesity rates drop, with the addition of fish protein. 

Miley Cyrus is set to design clothes for Walmart. When asked why she didn’t want to sell her clothes at a more upscale retailer she said she wanted the quality of her clothing line to match the quality of her music. The clothing line will be called, “Exploited.”

Team USA soccer is scheduled to play Honduras in a world cup qualifying match. In order to compete for viewership, networks not airing the game will run Egg Genie and Wonder Hanger infomercials along with reruns of Moesha.