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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update. 

While filming an action sequence in her new movie, Angelina Jolie was hit in the head by something and rushed to the hospital. The crew in the lot next door, filming a movie about the world's first female major league pitcher, starring Jennifer Aniston, had no comment.

GM, looking to start over after bankruptcy, has announced an all new line up of cars with the new flagship car an eco friendly vehicle that has massage chairs and an ejection seat for crashes. It’s called the “Stimulus-Bailout.”

The FDA formed an independent task force to figure out ways it can be more open with the public. The task force will be a broad coalition of industry professionals including peanut butter makers, tomato growers, Chinese dairy farmers, and hot dog venders from Times Square.

Republicans complained about the size, shape, and cost of the emerging Obama health care proposal. Republican leaders said, “We cannot saddle future generations with our debt. They’ll need that money to buy canes, crutches, and wheel chairs.”

Federal regulators have made sweeping changes to California waterways to help revive the dwindling salmon industry. Within the next several years they hope to have thousands of salmon mating in the drinking water. Regulators pointed to the past success of reducing cavities by adding fluoride and said, so to should childhood obesity rates drop, with the addition of fish protein. 

Miley Cyrus is set to design clothes for Walmart. When asked why she didn’t want to sell her clothes at a more upscale retailer she said she wanted the quality of her clothing line to match the quality of her music. The clothing line will be called, “Exploited.”

Team USA soccer is scheduled to play Honduras in a world cup qualifying match. In order to compete for viewership, networks not airing the game will run Egg Genie and Wonder Hanger infomercials along with reruns of Moesha.