Dear Mr. Jarvis,
Here is your weekly Global News update.
-French Prime Minister Sarkozy called for banning the Burqa, said, “We can not know whether you truly are French until you remove that Burqa and show us your armpit hair!”
-The pentagon will open a new command for cyberspace. Recruiting has already begun at Star trek conventions all over. Incentives for joining include one free year of World of Warcraft, an email address ending with @cybercommander.com, and unlimited pop-tarts. Their new slogan is, Cybercommand: We’re looking for a few good virgins.
-Blackeyed Peas road manager asked gossip blogger Perez Hilton why he felt qualified to criticize people when he can’t sing, act, dance - then punched Perez in the eye - or fight. (To hear the audio of Perez being hit, play the first 3 seconds of Prince’s “Your Kiss.”)
-Many Sharks face extinction which has left drunk surf instructors pondering a new animal to attribute appendix removal scar to.
-Obama, an occasional smoker, signed anti smoking bills. Other legislation passed:
McCain signed Anti-Hi Fiving bill.
Bristol Palin signed No Child Left behind in her Womb bill.
Samuel Jackson helped sponsor Hollywood anti-profanity laws.
-Chinese Central bank chief Zhou Xiaochuan argued to replace the dollar. He said, “The dollar had become so toxic that not even Chinese toy manufactures would use it.”
