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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-French Prime Minister Sarkozy called for banning the Burqa, said, “We can not know whether you truly are French until you remove that Burqa and show us your armpit hair!”

-The pentagon will open a new command for cyberspace. Recruiting has already begun at Star trek conventions all over. Incentives for joining include one free year of World of Warcraft, an email address ending with @cybercommander.com, and unlimited pop-tarts. Their  new slogan is, Cybercommand: We’re looking for a few good virgins.

-Blackeyed Peas road manager asked gossip blogger Perez Hilton why he felt qualified to criticize people when he can’t sing, act, dance - then punched Perez in the eye - or fight. (To hear the audio of Perez being hit, play the first 3 seconds of Prince’s “Your Kiss.”)

-Many Sharks face extinction which has left drunk surf instructors pondering a new animal to attribute appendix removal scar to.

-Obama, an occasional smoker, signed anti smoking bills. Other legislation passed:

McCain signed Anti-Hi Fiving bill.

Bristol Palin signed No Child Left behind in her Womb bill.

Samuel Jackson helped sponsor Hollywood anti-profanity laws.

-Chinese Central bank chief Zhou Xiaochuan argued to replace the dollar. He said, “The dollar had become so toxic that not even Chinese toy manufactures would use it.”