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Dear Cory,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

- Matt LeBlanc - Joey from “Friends” - will be starring in a new sitcom. Resisting network execs calls to stick with the same old formula that works, he’s doing things different this time. He’ll star as an out of work musician named Bobby, who’s living in Chicago upstairs from his 3 best friends. The show will be called “Acquaintances”.

- Obama says he is going to make it increasingly difficult for Iranian companies to ship goods around the world. Fearing a shortage of Iran’s most popular exports, before sanctions take place, International companies are rushing to stock up on as many rocks, hate, and, Ahmadinejad bobble heads as possible.

- European Union will set lower default listening levels for MP3 players encouraging users to not listen to music at levels that could hurt them. God is said to be pretty angry about having to find another way to weed out these morons.

- Senate Republicans rejected a pair of public option proposals. They said a public option would hurt insurance companies, which in turn would hurt their campaign financing, which would cause them to lose their re-election, which would finally lead them to not having health insurance.

- A Texas judge cleared the way for gay couples to divorce. Alimony is to be paid by the spouse with the least amount of Barbara Striesand CD’s.

- Democratic congressman Alan Grayson accused Republicans of having only one health care plan: Get sick, and die quickly. Outraged republicans immeadiatly called for an apology and corrected what they said was a misquote. What they actually said was: Get sick, and if you’re a democrat, die quickly. Kanye West burst onto the floor, grabbed the mic, and said, “Joe Wilson’s You-Lie comment was better.”

- US researchers say recessions may actually be good for your health. Turns out that along with your internal organs, Cup ‘O Noodles kills cancer too.