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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly “Global News” update.

- The Dalai Lama chastised the US for not doing enough to close the gap between the rich and the poor. He said having too many people walking around in robes without shoes would ruin his look.

The Dalai Lama’s a jobless, shoeless guy, walking around in robes and not running Playboy, yet he’s giving wealth creation advice. That’s like David Letterman giving Bill Clinton sexual harassment training.

- An Ohio court ordered ordered a statewide halt to executions after the last lethal injection was botched. A panel of experts is evaluating new, more effective lethal methods to kill dangerous murderers including: The Republican health care plan, visits from Michael Jackson’s physician, and a 24 hour marathon of watching Dancing with the Stars.

- Levi Johnston, Sarah Palin’s grandbaby daddy, has shown up in a new ad for “Wonderful Pistachios”. It’s part of their marketing campaign to hit the untapped potential of the white trash market. They are seeking that lucrative trailer-park dollar.

- Ever the busy man, Levi has agreed to pose for playgirl magazine. Playgirl offered him a deal he couldn’t refuse: We’ll give you your 16th minute, you show us 3 inches.

His good friend Kanye told him he should do it and he trusts his good judgment.

He also signed with NBC to make a reality show about the experience. It’s going to be called “The Biggest Loser.”

Apparently, Sarah Palin is a decent photographer, she said she would jump at the chance to shoot him.

Sarah Palin pre-ordered 10,000 copies of the magazine. Moose season is coming and she said she needs to work on her aim by shooting at something small.

The US government is buying the rights to Levi’s pictures for it’s upcoming abstinence campaign.

The photo shoot will be titled: Alaska, where it snows so much, even the trash is white.