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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-Oprah is going to have Sarah Palin on her show. She has been doing all she can to prepare. She’s been reading Palin’s new book, memorizing questions, and receiving enough botox to conceal any hint of disgust.

- Madonna’s New york neighbor is suing her over noise. Madonna said she was sorry but the Kabbalah diet calls for a lot of fiber.

- A Louisiana court justice refused to marry an interracial couple. When delivering the rejection the judge was flanked by two beat boxers and said:

Yo, yo, as I strike my gavel,

your plans unravel,

Now let me see,

who set this black man free?!

Bailiff, what did you say,

our president is - no way!

Black and white, that can’t be,

I’ve gotta get cable TV.

You two wanna have a kid?!

No way, uh uh, that’s not how it goes,

can’t have another Barack,

this case I do close!

Yeaaaahhhhhhhhh!

- Lifetime is pulling the balloon boy’s family’s “Wife Swap” episode from the schedule. New balloon boy themed shows that might possibly replace it are:

• Kate+Eight go to archery practice with guest star Jon the new Balloon Boy: Watch as Kate lets daddy get to just the right altitude before showing the kids how to loose the ‘thunder and rain.’ “No sweety, not at the balloon, aim a little lower.”
• Balloon Girl Paris Hilton the Storm Chaser: Faced with a faltering career, Paris Hilton agrees to let producers send her via balloon into the heart of tornadoes. Live or die, this is good TV.
• Night Rider starring Kit the Balloon: “Michael, perhaps you don’t need that 11th martini.”
• 24: Jack Bauer has 24 hours to put off eating, sleeping, and pooping while he tries to stop a nuclear balloon.

- Microsoft is very happy with it’s newest operating system. They have had it tested and Windows 7 raises the security bar, experts say.