Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-A sweeping school lunch bill cleared the senate panel. The committee members stated that unlike cafeteria pizza, this bill will pass through us.

-More couples are putting off divorce until the economy turns around. Wives say their investment got nothing but limp returns, while husbands say the market’s a real bitch.

-The Democrats passed sweeping health legislation. The Republicans have vowed that, come November elections, Democrats will regret making voters so healthy.

-Lindsay Lohan recently fell on a cactus. At first she was angry and wanted to tear it out, but then she changed her mind, felt bad for it when she was heard it hadn’t had a drink in weeks.

Global News Update

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is another installment of your weekly Global News Update.

-Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy broke up. Fans around the world are showing their support by pretending to not know the two were ever dating or that they even exist. Hewitt says it has nothing to do with recently seeing one of his movies for the first time.

-Navy moves to allow women on submarines. All men serving on subs reported periscopes up and ready to dive.

-Hundreds of people were stranded on the New Jersey transit train for five hours. The smell of filth and urine filled the air but luckily the passengers couldn’t smell it because they were inside the train.

-Utah House Majority leader Kevin Garn resigned after revealing getting naked 25 years ago in a hot tub with a 15 year-old girl. In his defense he was getting in the hot tub, she was there, and he’s a firm believer in no child left behind.

-David Beckham tore his Achilles tendon. Doctors are now advising sports enthusiast patients to not bend it like Beckham.

Global News Update

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is a little more of what you missed throughout March.

-Former Basketball player Winston Bennet says during his career he slept with over 90 woman a month. His signature move on the court was the same in sex: Two pumps, shoot, and hustle out of there.

-Vice Pres. Biden took a moment to honor the memory of the Irish Prime Minister’s Mom who is still alive. The Prime Minister then pointed out she always looks that way after St. Patrick’s Day.

-A study shows that dogs originated in the middle east. There is very little record of them in the west until the introduction of the fire hydrant.

-Pepsi is dropping out of schools worldwide by 2012. It turns out coke wins because its vending machine buttons are lower.

-Obama called for an overhaul of the “No child left behind policy.” Obama wants to change no child left behind, Bush wants no child left behind, and Clinton wanted people to touch his behind.

-Final Fantasy VIII sold 450,000 units in America in one day. Protesters complained about the cruel name saying the guys playing it weren’t fulfilling any fantasies let alone the final one.

-The government is investigating the use of contractors to track and kill militants. Hopefully it’s not the same contractors that supply the government with toilet paper or we can expect the militants to just become red and irritated.

Global News Dump, Feb.-Mar.

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here's the Global News we dug up for Feb.-Mar. Enjoy.

-Nick Jonas announced a solo tour for January with his new band which he formed to work on songs “not quite right for the Jonas Brothers.” So in other words, he’s trying to make music that doesn’t suck.

-Two brothers living in a cave inherited $7 billion. When first informed their only response was, “YABADABADOOOOOO!”

-300 Disney World Monorail passengers were stuck due to a power outage. After reaching the hotel three hours later, passengers were delighted saying it had been the shortest wait for a ride all day.

-The Princess and The Frog debuted at No. 1 at the box office. Surprisingly nearly one in five moviegoers were adults without children. Meaning if you saw “Princess” this weekend you’re either a parent, in the wrong theatre, or appearing on next week’s “To Catch a Predator.”

-A study shows that kids who are spanked are more well adjusted later in life. By "well adjusted," they mean the kids have turned 18 and can move away from the parent that’s spanking them.

-The much anticipated James Cameron film “Avatar” debuts this Friday. Everyone loves it already even though no one has seen it, in fact, a committee in Oslo has awarded it the Nobel Greatest Movie Ever Prize.

-Congress is drafting a bill to turn the volumes down on commercials. The bill faces strong opposition from the powerful Mute Button industry.

- A “World of Warcraft” playing mom was accused of luring a Canadian teen away from home and having sex with him. She didn’t quite know what she did wrong so the judge explained in a way she would understand. "Lady, a level 46 troll can't have sex with a wizard’s assistance who has no control yet over his magic staff."