Saturday, March 20, 2010

Global News Update

Dear Mr. Jarvis,
Here is another installment of your weekly Global News Update.

-Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy broke up. Fans around the world are showing their support by pretending to not know the two were ever dating or that they even exist. Hewitt says it has nothing to do with recently seeing one of his movies for the first time.

-Navy moves to allow women on submarines. All men serving on subs reported periscopes up and ready to dive.

-Hundreds of people were stranded on the New Jersey transit train for five hours. The smell of filth and urine filled the air but luckily the passengers couldn’t smell it because they were inside the train.

-Utah House Majority leader Kevin Garn resigned after revealing getting naked 25 years ago in a hot tub with a 15 year-old girl. In his defense he was getting in the hot tub, she was there, and he’s a firm believer in no child left behind.

-David Beckham tore his Achilles tendon. Doctors are now advising sports enthusiast patients to not bend it like Beckham.

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