Dear Mr. Jarvis,
Here is your weekly Global News update.
-Microsoft users rank Bing top search engine for finding Google.
-Trying to run away from a crowd of screaming teenage fans, Robert Patterson, star of the hit movie “Twilight,” was struck by a NYC taxi. The cab driver, whose daughters made him take them to see the movie, said, “Now we are even.”
-Clothing retailer Eddie Bauer, after declaring bankruptcy, asked for a bailout citing their closure would give Banana Republic a monopoly on overpriced polo shirts.
-A health clinic servicing the porn industry was given a surprise state inspection. The inspector burst in with a video camera, a bass guitarist, and wearing nothing but rubber gloves and yelled, “Inspection time, Laaaaddddddiiiiiiieeeeeesss!”
-Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa raised two million dollars in private funds for the Lakers victory parade. He said the money would be used to pay for security, clean up crews, and cars for fans to turn over and burn.
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