Dear Mr. Jarvis,
Although we are not thanking you for congratulating us on, as you put it, “getting (expletive)er and (expletive)er with every visit,” we do appreciate it when a customer writes with their concerns.
As you know, at Rite Aid we constantly strive for excellency so we take customer concerns very seriously. We contacted your local branch and the following list should address all of your concerns.
- Regarding Raybekah, she and her baby-daddy are currently experiencing relationship problems and because we don’t give employees time off we are allowing her to work it out via cell phone while she works the register.
- Our manager does not ride the short bus to work. It is not company policy to provide transportation to and from the work place.
- Police reports from your area show a higher level of shop lifting among women. That is why our balding, single, middle aged, security guard follows them around the store.
- We apologize for the long waits created by having only one person working a register but please understand that sometimes our employees need free time to discuss football with one another right next to the line while you wait.
Here are some ideas we are currently working on to help entertain customers while they stand in line:
Giant plasma screen TVs that constantly play our commercials. You know, the ones that talk about us having low prices, short waits, and great service.
Line Speed Dating: Looking for love? Maybe that lady behind you isn’t crazy after all. She’s not homeless! She just wanted her first house to be special.
Beer Taste Testing Class: Natural Light or Natural Light Ice? Which one goes better with the Macaroni and Cheese your buying. Now you’ll know.
We hope we have answered all of your questions and complaints. Once again, we appreciate your patronage and look forward to selling you a trash can missing a lid again sometime in the near future.
Long live Rite Aid and it’s devotion to the customer’s wallet!
Sincerely,
Rite Aid
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