How healthy are you?

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

It’s time again for the annual federal Health & Wellness Survey. You will notice some changes this year as we have adjusted questions to better reflect current American lifestyles. 

1. Being sore after sex means:

A) you need to work out more often.

B) you should date someone shorter.

C) you didn’t admit you weren’t a gymnast. 

D) you have to send a get-well-soon card and promise not to go six months before the next time around.

2. Your stomach prevents you from seeing...

A) your genitals.

B) your toes.

C) the small animal nibbling away at your toes.

D) anyone of the opposite sex.

3. Having itchy genitals means:

A) You shouldn’t sit down on the locker room floor.

B) You forgot to wash off the pie crust.

C) Your underwear can only be turned inside-out so many times.

D) Stop falling asleep naked in the goat pen with peanut butter on your balls.

4. Jogging is good for:

A) spandex manufacturers.

B) people who weren’t born in shape like me.

C) someone who wants to get killed in the park.

D) people who need an excuse to wear band aids over their nipples.

5. How would you characterize your current weight?

A) Oprah is jealous.

B) I only look big in pictures.

C) They know me by name at Cinnabon.

D) I make extra money by selling billboard space on my ass.

6. A buffet is:

A) Not the best place to find a date.

B) A place found in the nightmares of an Olson twin. 

C) A good place for an actress to start preparing for her role in the Kirstie Alley bio.

D) An affordable alternative to sumo wrestling.

7. How many times a week do you eat breakfast?

A) Six to seven.

B) Almost never.

C) Seventeen.

8. How would you describe your stress levels?

A) Obama’s got nothing on me.

B) I don’t talk in my sleep, but I do gnash my pillow. 

C) I use an open vein as a super soaker.

D) I sooth myself by running my nails down a chalkboard.

9) How may times per week do you perform resistance or weight training?

A) Every time a hot chick is looking.

B) Can I change it to per year?

C) I date chicks from Weight Watchers.

D) Every time I get a new issue of Sensual Mamas.

10. Characterize your alcohol use.

A) I don’t partake in the demon sauce. 

B) Whenever she needs a little nudge off second base.

C) I occasionally wake up wondering where my pants are. 

D) My kids are named Sake, Martini, and Dry Vermouth.

11.How many times per week do you perform stretching and flexibility exercises?

A) I make a Cirque du Soleil performer look like a republican on gay marriage.

B) I tie my shoes daily.

C) It depends on how far away from my chair the cookie falls. 

D) I would lose a high-five contest with John McCain.