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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-The government unveiled its new secret weapon against swine flu: Elmo. Great, a little, furry red monster who hangs out with a guy in a garbage can is going to teach kids to be clean. This is going to go over as well as the "Marriage is between a Man and Woman" campaign with Bert and Ernie.

-The FAA ruled that Southwest Airlines can continue to fly despite using unauthorized parts. Earlier in the year, the airline was allowed to continue flying and only fined, when a one foot hole opened in the fuselage, for using, as Southwest called it, “an unauthorized speedometer”.

-Big things are happening at Disney; they bought the rights to Marvel’s characters. A lot of deals being made. Some happier than others. Prince Charming said, “There goes The Magic Kingdom!” Minnie’s excited about Mickey’s new plastic-man ability, and Wolverine’s contract stipulates that he gets to wake Sleeping Beauty three times a week.

-A man jumped from a carnival cruise ship after having an argument with a woman. She told him she wouldn’t sleep with him if he were the last man on the boat. He said, “How about the only man in the water?”