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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly global news update.

- Kraft is said to be in talks to finance an 8 billion dollar bid for Cadbury Chocolates. The Kraft CEO said 8 billion was nothing to finally find out what the hell they’re putting inside of those eggs.

- Ellen DeGeneres is set to become the next American Idol judge. Some fans were displeased, saying they wanted someone with musical talent. Ellen said she totally understands, she felt the same way when they hired Paula Abdul.

- Women’s Health magazine has revealed Michelle Obama’s secret for sculpting sleek arms. It turns out, it’s not easy being the hands that cover Joe Biden’s mouth.

- “The Beatles: Rock Band” video game drew crowds of shoppers. Buyers said the game changed and empowered them. Before buying it they had no musical talent and now they’re Guitar Heroes. And instead of being lonely, they now call themselves masturbation warriors.

- First lady Michelle Obama promises to be commencement speaker at George Washington University if the community completes 100,000 hours of community service. Her speech will begin with, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, you reached 100,000 hours of community service! The bad news: with this job market, you’re probably going to be doing a hundred thousand more.

List of Volunteer opportunities already popping up:

-Carve “Levi” into Sarah Palin’s bullets.

-Hold back Nancy Pelosi’s face until the botox arrives.

-Ride the bicycle connected to Dick Cheney’s heart.

-Change John McCain’s diapers on burrito night.