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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News Update.

- Signs of water have have been found on the moon, proving there had been some tampering with the original moon landing audio. What Buzz Aldrin really said was, “This is one small step for man, one giant LEAK for mankind....whew, that Tang goes right through me.”

- Microsoft unveiled it’s new super-secret electronic tablet, the X-PENsive. Their slogan is: And you thought chicks wouldn’t do you before!

- New census data shows 76% of Americans, even if they divorce, only marry once. The other 24% have at one time or another, been married to Larry King.

- An ear infection hospitalized David Hasselhoff, not alcohol. Hasselhoff’s representitives said consumption of alcohol had nothing to do with his hospitalization. It was the beer that dripped into his ear while doing a keg stand that got him.

- LA city council voted to limit residents to one rooster per household. Andy Dick cried fowl claiming it wasn’t the government’s place to tell him how many cocks he could have at one time.

- Mackenzie Phillips, former childhood actress and daughter of musician John Phillips of the 60’s band “The Mamas and the Papas” has put out a book detailing her incestuous relationship with her father. The book debuted right under “How to Listen in on your Parents doing It” on the “BOOKS I’D POKE MY EYE’S OUT BEFORE READING” list.