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Dear Mr. Jarvis,
Here is your weekly Global News update.

-New York City officials want to ban smoking in city’s parks. Health Commissioner, Thomas Farley, said Monday that no parent should have to breath smoke on the sidelines of their kid’s game while they’re yelling at the ref or beating another parent senseless.

-The house voted of disapproval on Rep. Joe Wilson for yelling, “You Lie!” during a presidential address. His punishment will consist of a romantic dinner with Nancy Pelosi, bed time stories with Joe Biden, and serving beers to President Obama and the next black guy who gets arrested.

-The Iraqi shoe-thrower claims he suffered torture in jail. He said they locked him up alone in a room full of shoes with an impossible-to-hit, fast moving target of George W. Bush.

-Paleontologists said they discovered a scaled down version of Tyrannosaurus Rex which calls into question recent theories on T-rex evolution. They said they could do nothing more to confirm their theories until they had John McCain look at it.

-Obama wants to junk Bush’s European Missile defense plan. Bush said Obama was getting soft, and Obama said if you saw Bush’s missile, you’d get soft too.

-Doctors implanted a tooth in a woman’s eye to help her see again. She said, day by day, her vision was improving and nothing could stand in her way of seeing again, except fo the tooth in her eye.

-Hollywood is abuzz as Harrison Ford, 67, said he is ready to make the fifth “Indiana Jones”. The Movie will have a surprise cameo from John McCain playing Indies younger brother. This will be the first Indiana Jones with no night scenes due to Ford’s contract stipulating a strict 6:30PM bedtime. The studio exec’s promise bigger explosions and more suspense culminating in a scene where Indie hides in a fridge and, during a nuclear explosion, jumps a shark.