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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-Oprah is going to have Sarah Palin on her show. She has been doing all she can to prepare. She’s been reading Palin’s new book, memorizing questions, and receiving enough botox to conceal any hint of disgust.

- Madonna’s New york neighbor is suing her over noise. Madonna said she was sorry but the Kabbalah diet calls for a lot of fiber.

- A Louisiana court justice refused to marry an interracial couple. When delivering the rejection the judge was flanked by two beat boxers and said:

Yo, yo, as I strike my gavel,

your plans unravel,

Now let me see,

who set this black man free?!

Bailiff, what did you say,

our president is - no way!

Black and white, that can’t be,

I’ve gotta get cable TV.

You two wanna have a kid?!

No way, uh uh, that’s not how it goes,

can’t have another Barack,

this case I do close!

Yeaaaahhhhhhhhh!

- Lifetime is pulling the balloon boy’s family’s “Wife Swap” episode from the schedule. New balloon boy themed shows that might possibly replace it are:

• Kate+Eight go to archery practice with guest star Jon the new Balloon Boy: Watch as Kate lets daddy get to just the right altitude before showing the kids how to loose the ‘thunder and rain.’ “No sweety, not at the balloon, aim a little lower.”
• Balloon Girl Paris Hilton the Storm Chaser: Faced with a faltering career, Paris Hilton agrees to let producers send her via balloon into the heart of tornadoes. Live or die, this is good TV.
• Night Rider starring Kit the Balloon: “Michael, perhaps you don’t need that 11th martini.”
• 24: Jack Bauer has 24 hours to put off eating, sleeping, and pooping while he tries to stop a nuclear balloon.

- Microsoft is very happy with it’s newest operating system. They have had it tested and Windows 7 raises the security bar, experts say.

The New Magic 8 Ball: Reality Version

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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

- A 1st grader brought a multi-tool fork/knife/spoon to show off at school and was suspended for 45 days. You can’t be too strict with these kids these days, the school has a zero tolerance policy, especially after last years Twinkie extortion ring.

- A fugitive was busted after making a cop his friend on Facebook. The fugitive had no idea he was an officer when he poked him. After putting him in jail the officer said now he’ll get all the pokes he needs.

-Ten months into his presidency Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace prize. He shared the stage with a 6 year old boy awarded for finding the cure to cancer 26 years from now. People have started questioning the legitimacy of the committee ever since they made Myspace pages and listed Tila Tequila, Dane Cook, and Tom as their top friends.

- Jon Gosselin of “Jon and Kate plus 8” has been ordered to return $180,000 dollars to Kate. Jon said he understood the kids need new clothes but then pleaded, “Do have any idea how much a date costs in LA?”

- The group of businessmen trying to buy the Rams dropped Rush Limbaugh as a partner. They had problems with his trying to save money in the contract by stipulating that all black players be transported game to game by boat in shackles. He said it was an ongoing effort by the left to destroy conservatism. By left he means everyone who hates him and by conservatism he means old crabby guys with lame radio shows.

- On the eve of the vote for health care reform, the insurance industry released a study saying that the proposed bill will wind up costing more than advertised.

The study showed that keeping all Americans healthy and happy was going to cost almost as much as the insurance industry spent on the study.

They said the bill had striking similarities to one of their insurance plans. They tell you how much it’ll cost, then when you use it, it costs more.

They used a simple formula to come up with the results: Credible science guy + facts = true results ÷ new summer house for formerly credible science guy = new facts.

Pending Publication....maybe....I hope.

Coming soon...

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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly “Global News” update.

- The Dalai Lama chastised the US for not doing enough to close the gap between the rich and the poor. He said having too many people walking around in robes without shoes would ruin his look.

The Dalai Lama’s a jobless, shoeless guy, walking around in robes and not running Playboy, yet he’s giving wealth creation advice. That’s like David Letterman giving Bill Clinton sexual harassment training.

- An Ohio court ordered ordered a statewide halt to executions after the last lethal injection was botched. A panel of experts is evaluating new, more effective lethal methods to kill dangerous murderers including: The Republican health care plan, visits from Michael Jackson’s physician, and a 24 hour marathon of watching Dancing with the Stars.

- Levi Johnston, Sarah Palin’s grandbaby daddy, has shown up in a new ad for “Wonderful Pistachios”. It’s part of their marketing campaign to hit the untapped potential of the white trash market. They are seeking that lucrative trailer-park dollar.

- Ever the busy man, Levi has agreed to pose for playgirl magazine. Playgirl offered him a deal he couldn’t refuse: We’ll give you your 16th minute, you show us 3 inches.

His good friend Kanye told him he should do it and he trusts his good judgment.

He also signed with NBC to make a reality show about the experience. It’s going to be called “The Biggest Loser.”

Apparently, Sarah Palin is a decent photographer, she said she would jump at the chance to shoot him.

Sarah Palin pre-ordered 10,000 copies of the magazine. Moose season is coming and she said she needs to work on her aim by shooting at something small.

The US government is buying the rights to Levi’s pictures for it’s upcoming abstinence campaign.

The photo shoot will be titled: Alaska, where it snows so much, even the trash is white.

A Conversation with Me

Will be back....

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Dear Cory,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

- Matt LeBlanc - Joey from “Friends” - will be starring in a new sitcom. Resisting network execs calls to stick with the same old formula that works, he’s doing things different this time. He’ll star as an out of work musician named Bobby, who’s living in Chicago upstairs from his 3 best friends. The show will be called “Acquaintances”.

- Obama says he is going to make it increasingly difficult for Iranian companies to ship goods around the world. Fearing a shortage of Iran’s most popular exports, before sanctions take place, International companies are rushing to stock up on as many rocks, hate, and, Ahmadinejad bobble heads as possible.

- European Union will set lower default listening levels for MP3 players encouraging users to not listen to music at levels that could hurt them. God is said to be pretty angry about having to find another way to weed out these morons.

- Senate Republicans rejected a pair of public option proposals. They said a public option would hurt insurance companies, which in turn would hurt their campaign financing, which would cause them to lose their re-election, which would finally lead them to not having health insurance.

- A Texas judge cleared the way for gay couples to divorce. Alimony is to be paid by the spouse with the least amount of Barbara Striesand CD’s.

- Democratic congressman Alan Grayson accused Republicans of having only one health care plan: Get sick, and die quickly. Outraged republicans immeadiatly called for an apology and corrected what they said was a misquote. What they actually said was: Get sick, and if you’re a democrat, die quickly. Kanye West burst onto the floor, grabbed the mic, and said, “Joe Wilson’s You-Lie comment was better.”

- US researchers say recessions may actually be good for your health. Turns out that along with your internal organs, Cup ‘O Noodles kills cancer too.

Answering Machine Messages Inc.

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here are the custom made answering machine greetings you requested. Please share them with your friends and family and don't hesitate to let us know when you need more.

Sincerely,

Answering Machine Messages Inc.