Letters from People's Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is the latest edition of the “Letters from People” Global News update. Enjoy.

A woman found a rat in a Chef Boyardee can. Hurry kids, if you want to be allowed in the magical Boyardee factory, there are only seven more rats out there!

As protests continue the US warns citizens about travel to Thailand. Officials especially warned men hoping to pick up young Thai girls saying that if the woman has a bulge in her pants, whether protester or not, you’re about to be robbed of something.

Nebraska’s Gov. is set to sign a bill requiring women to be screened for mental health before being allowed to have an abortion. Republicans rallied around him after statistics showed that allowing mentally unstable women to terminate their pregnancy would cause future shortages in tea party membership.

A California man made threats to Nancy Polosi because he was angered over health care. He later apologized, admitted he was a recently laid-off health insurance claim inspector, and said keeping people in pain is a hard habit to break.

An Alaskan eagle survived a death spiral plunge after a mid-air mating dance.The worst part of it all is the eagle didn't even like the other bird but was just being a wing-man for his friend who flew off with a chubby pigeon.

Michelle Obama made an official visit to Mexico. During her tour she found a new way to help obese American kids that involves factory work sponsored by the Gap.

Cookbook recipe calls for ground black people. To be fair, right before that it says to smash all the crackers.

A poll finds tea party backers wealthier and more educated than the general public. How white are these people? Let's just put it this way, some of them were calling John McCain the n word.

S.E.C. staffers were busy watching porn as the economy crashed. They said women at the bars repeatedly rejected they're I.P.O’s so the needed a way to get their stocks up.

7-eleven introduced their own brand of beer. Company execs say it's just one more exciting product they can offer customers wanting explosive diarrhea.

RSS Feed

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is yet another edition of the “Letters from People” Global News update. Enjoy.

Police have arrested two women after they tried to enter a plane with the body of a dead relative. They got caught when the stewardess asked him if he wanted aisle or window and they responded with, “Overhead bin, please.”

Virginia Governor Robert McDonnel brought back confederate history month without mentioning slavery. It’s part of the state’s new “Visit the Real Virginia” tourism campaign which also offers guests a mullet, a “I heart shotguns” wife-beater, and free front teeth removal.

The Wisconsin D.A. threatened to arrest sex Ed. teachers.The teachers, deep into the lesson, were reaching the climax of their lecture when they were prematurely pulled out and the lesson was blown.The D.A. claimed some of the class themes were too big for high school students to which the teachers replied, it's not the size of the lecture that counts but the material within it.

Kate Gosselin says it remains a challenge being a mother of 8 kids and competing on a hit show. Most Americans can relate to that as it remains a challenge to watch Kate Gosselin get on another hit show.

An Australian doctor declared that the cure for all common health ailments is a strong dose of Vitamin D. Experts question the validity of his statement especially because he announced it while standing on a bar stool and pointing at his thrusting pelvis.

Letters from People's Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is another edition of the “Letters from People” Global News update. Enjoy.

A Florida urologist is refusing to treat Obama supporters. They’re easy to spot he said because their urine sample cup is filled with hope.

Flash mobs gathered in around 150 cities worldwide to take part in international pillow fight day. Feathers were flying everywhere, it got so exciting that while flying overhead, not wanting to miss out, two ducks turned and slammed into each other.

An Amazon rep. claims a lost package was eaten by an alligator. They got it back though because it turns out even the digestive system of a croc. can't handle Sarah Palin’s new book.

US rep. Hank Wilson opposes adding more troops to Guam for fear the island will tip over. He also wanted to add a limit to the distances the navy could go in order to keep them from falling off the earth. And recently after watching Harry Potter he pushed for a bill to end British dominance of magic schools.

Movie Review

Clash of the Titans: Best comedy of the year. Just like the first one without all the messy character development. And best part ladies, now every time your man goes the bathroom you get to hear: Release the KRAKEN! Oh, and if it hadn’t been for the two minutes of 3-D footage in the 2 hour movie, fans may have felt cheated.

Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-A sweeping school lunch bill cleared the senate panel. The committee members stated that unlike cafeteria pizza, this bill will pass through us.

-More couples are putting off divorce until the economy turns around. Wives say their investment got nothing but limp returns, while husbands say the market’s a real bitch.

-The Democrats passed sweeping health legislation. The Republicans have vowed that, come November elections, Democrats will regret making voters so healthy.

-Lindsay Lohan recently fell on a cactus. At first she was angry and wanted to tear it out, but then she changed her mind, felt bad for it when she was heard it hadn’t had a drink in weeks.

Global News Update

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is another installment of your weekly Global News Update.

-Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy broke up. Fans around the world are showing their support by pretending to not know the two were ever dating or that they even exist. Hewitt says it has nothing to do with recently seeing one of his movies for the first time.

-Navy moves to allow women on submarines. All men serving on subs reported periscopes up and ready to dive.

-Hundreds of people were stranded on the New Jersey transit train for five hours. The smell of filth and urine filled the air but luckily the passengers couldn’t smell it because they were inside the train.

-Utah House Majority leader Kevin Garn resigned after revealing getting naked 25 years ago in a hot tub with a 15 year-old girl. In his defense he was getting in the hot tub, she was there, and he’s a firm believer in no child left behind.

-David Beckham tore his Achilles tendon. Doctors are now advising sports enthusiast patients to not bend it like Beckham.

Global News Update

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is a little more of what you missed throughout March.

-Former Basketball player Winston Bennet says during his career he slept with over 90 woman a month. His signature move on the court was the same in sex: Two pumps, shoot, and hustle out of there.

-Vice Pres. Biden took a moment to honor the memory of the Irish Prime Minister’s Mom who is still alive. The Prime Minister then pointed out she always looks that way after St. Patrick’s Day.

-A study shows that dogs originated in the middle east. There is very little record of them in the west until the introduction of the fire hydrant.

-Pepsi is dropping out of schools worldwide by 2012. It turns out coke wins because its vending machine buttons are lower.

-Obama called for an overhaul of the “No child left behind policy.” Obama wants to change no child left behind, Bush wants no child left behind, and Clinton wanted people to touch his behind.

-Final Fantasy VIII sold 450,000 units in America in one day. Protesters complained about the cruel name saying the guys playing it weren’t fulfilling any fantasies let alone the final one.

-The government is investigating the use of contractors to track and kill militants. Hopefully it’s not the same contractors that supply the government with toilet paper or we can expect the militants to just become red and irritated.

Global News Dump, Feb.-Mar.

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here's the Global News we dug up for Feb.-Mar. Enjoy.

-Nick Jonas announced a solo tour for January with his new band which he formed to work on songs “not quite right for the Jonas Brothers.” So in other words, he’s trying to make music that doesn’t suck.

-Two brothers living in a cave inherited $7 billion. When first informed their only response was, “YABADABADOOOOOO!”

-300 Disney World Monorail passengers were stuck due to a power outage. After reaching the hotel three hours later, passengers were delighted saying it had been the shortest wait for a ride all day.

-The Princess and The Frog debuted at No. 1 at the box office. Surprisingly nearly one in five moviegoers were adults without children. Meaning if you saw “Princess” this weekend you’re either a parent, in the wrong theatre, or appearing on next week’s “To Catch a Predator.”

-A study shows that kids who are spanked are more well adjusted later in life. By "well adjusted," they mean the kids have turned 18 and can move away from the parent that’s spanking them.

-The much anticipated James Cameron film “Avatar” debuts this Friday. Everyone loves it already even though no one has seen it, in fact, a committee in Oslo has awarded it the Nobel Greatest Movie Ever Prize.

-Congress is drafting a bill to turn the volumes down on commercials. The bill faces strong opposition from the powerful Mute Button industry.

- A “World of Warcraft” playing mom was accused of luring a Canadian teen away from home and having sex with him. She didn’t quite know what she did wrong so the judge explained in a way she would understand. "Lady, a level 46 troll can't have sex with a wizard’s assistance who has no control yet over his magic staff."