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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News Update.

- Signs of water have have been found on the moon, proving there had been some tampering with the original moon landing audio. What Buzz Aldrin really said was, “This is one small step for man, one giant LEAK for mankind....whew, that Tang goes right through me.”

- Microsoft unveiled it’s new super-secret electronic tablet, the X-PENsive. Their slogan is: And you thought chicks wouldn’t do you before!

- New census data shows 76% of Americans, even if they divorce, only marry once. The other 24% have at one time or another, been married to Larry King.

- An ear infection hospitalized David Hasselhoff, not alcohol. Hasselhoff’s representitives said consumption of alcohol had nothing to do with his hospitalization. It was the beer that dripped into his ear while doing a keg stand that got him.

- LA city council voted to limit residents to one rooster per household. Andy Dick cried fowl claiming it wasn’t the government’s place to tell him how many cocks he could have at one time.

- Mackenzie Phillips, former childhood actress and daughter of musician John Phillips of the 60’s band “The Mamas and the Papas” has put out a book detailing her incestuous relationship with her father. The book debuted right under “How to Listen in on your Parents doing It” on the “BOOKS I’D POKE MY EYE’S OUT BEFORE READING” list.

From Random Penguin Publishing

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Don’t let those end-of-summer blues get you down. Random Penguin Publishing house is having our annual “End of Summer” blowout sale. Check out some of our most popular selections.

Yes Woman

Inspired by the book “Yes Man”, a woman decides to say, “yes” to anything she is asked to do. Various chapters include farm animals, a Turkish bathhouse, and the author, another girl, and a cup. The book ends abruptly when she visits a dorm for Sumo wrestlers.

Hard-Core Gaming for Dummies

Wow! You must be a F#%king Dummy. Why else would you buy this book?

Up, up, down, down, A, B, A, B, masturbate, dummy. Welcome to the world of hardcore gaming! Pop tarts, Klingon Warrior T-shirts, and chaffed foreskin - yes, learn how to eat, dress, and feel just like a hard core gamer. No man boobs required. Comes with a free 8 oz. jar of vaseline.

How to Look Gay Even Though You’re Not

You don’t have to be gay to be tough, you just have to look that way. All the bad-ass without the sore ass. Learn secrets from the experts like putting on chap-stick while staring at another man, using the middle urinal so the next person has to stand next to you, and having esoteric philosophical debates with the dudes while standing naked in the locker room. Comes with secret website password for www.tightt-shirtlocater.com.

Stuff White People Like to Write About Other White People

Let’s face it, white people are so crazy. One thing white people like is to write books making fun of other white people. And then white people love to buy it and say, “That’s so true, I really do love sushi!”

Hitler had Diarrhea

From the best-selling author of “Tom Cruise has Itchy Balls: Demystifying Celebrity Mystique”, comes this new fact-filled tome sure to surprise even the most informed experts.

Did you know:

Dracula was a vegetarian. That’s right, he only drank hippy blood.

Frankenstein won’t tell you what part his master forgot to put on.

Attila the Hun was a good father.

Godzilla only gets angry when people mispronounce his name.

Martha Stewart can’t eat children’s limbs without ketchup.

Tuesdays with Morrie’s Wife

From the best-selling author of three books almost exactly like this one. Morrie’s gone. But Mrs. Morrie’s still around and she could use a friend. A gooood friend. Now it’s play time. Oh yeah, don’t worry, Morrie, I’ll watch over her.

Rich Dad Porn Dad

So you were wondering how daddy got all his money, huh? Johnny’s parents are out and it turns out his dad has an interesting video collection. “The Hammer 5”, sure I’ll watch...hey that pizza delivery guy looks a lot like, wait a minute, that’s my...Rich Dad Porn Dad

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Dear Mr. Jarvis,
Here is your weekly Global News update.

-New York City officials want to ban smoking in city’s parks. Health Commissioner, Thomas Farley, said Monday that no parent should have to breath smoke on the sidelines of their kid’s game while they’re yelling at the ref or beating another parent senseless.

-The house voted of disapproval on Rep. Joe Wilson for yelling, “You Lie!” during a presidential address. His punishment will consist of a romantic dinner with Nancy Pelosi, bed time stories with Joe Biden, and serving beers to President Obama and the next black guy who gets arrested.

-The Iraqi shoe-thrower claims he suffered torture in jail. He said they locked him up alone in a room full of shoes with an impossible-to-hit, fast moving target of George W. Bush.

-Paleontologists said they discovered a scaled down version of Tyrannosaurus Rex which calls into question recent theories on T-rex evolution. They said they could do nothing more to confirm their theories until they had John McCain look at it.

-Obama wants to junk Bush’s European Missile defense plan. Bush said Obama was getting soft, and Obama said if you saw Bush’s missile, you’d get soft too.

-Doctors implanted a tooth in a woman’s eye to help her see again. She said, day by day, her vision was improving and nothing could stand in her way of seeing again, except fo the tooth in her eye.

-Hollywood is abuzz as Harrison Ford, 67, said he is ready to make the fifth “Indiana Jones”. The Movie will have a surprise cameo from John McCain playing Indies younger brother. This will be the first Indiana Jones with no night scenes due to Ford’s contract stipulating a strict 6:30PM bedtime. The studio exec’s promise bigger explosions and more suspense culminating in a scene where Indie hides in a fridge and, during a nuclear explosion, jumps a shark.

A Brief History of People who have yelled, "You Lie!"

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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly global news update.

- Kraft is said to be in talks to finance an 8 billion dollar bid for Cadbury Chocolates. The Kraft CEO said 8 billion was nothing to finally find out what the hell they’re putting inside of those eggs.

- Ellen DeGeneres is set to become the next American Idol judge. Some fans were displeased, saying they wanted someone with musical talent. Ellen said she totally understands, she felt the same way when they hired Paula Abdul.

- Women’s Health magazine has revealed Michelle Obama’s secret for sculpting sleek arms. It turns out, it’s not easy being the hands that cover Joe Biden’s mouth.

- “The Beatles: Rock Band” video game drew crowds of shoppers. Buyers said the game changed and empowered them. Before buying it they had no musical talent and now they’re Guitar Heroes. And instead of being lonely, they now call themselves masturbation warriors.

- First lady Michelle Obama promises to be commencement speaker at George Washington University if the community completes 100,000 hours of community service. Her speech will begin with, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, you reached 100,000 hours of community service! The bad news: with this job market, you’re probably going to be doing a hundred thousand more.

List of Volunteer opportunities already popping up:

-Carve “Levi” into Sarah Palin’s bullets.

-Hold back Nancy Pelosi’s face until the botox arrives.

-Ride the bicycle connected to Dick Cheney’s heart.

-Change John McCain’s diapers on burrito night.

Roommates

Dear Cory,

Look, I remember the verbal agreement we made that night you came into the kitchen and turned on the light. Haven’t forgotten it. No, sir. But here’s the deal. I’ve had a few kids. And by “a few”, I mean a thousand - don’t hate the player. And, well, they gotta eat, so why’d you freak out like that?

Now I’ll admit bringing out the whole family like that was a little much. But it was Saturday night. You know, or at least I thought you did, that’s when I take the whole family out for a meal. Not trying to pour salt in any wounds, but I mean, what were you doing home so early?

Besides, how could you leave those pizza boxes wide open if you didn’t want us snacking on them?! And those tasty bread crumbs under the toaster? You were begging us to eat them!

I just can’t believe you freaked out and set those traps. You sprayed little Johnny! Sure, he was a bit impetuous, but so full of youth and promise. Now he just runs in circles, licking his antenna.

How about throwing away the traps and wiping up some of that poison that’s souring up the fruit rinds my wife ate. For two weeks, she thought she was a ladybug.

I’ll tell you what, Cory, let’s make an oath to each other. You do your best to stay out all night, and I’ll keep the numbers down. I won’t even sweat you flushing a few of the kids down the toilet from time to time. Can always make more, right?!

Long live weak, generic trash bags, and thirty-something year old lazy, single guys!

Yours truly,

C. Roacha

RSS Feed

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-The government unveiled its new secret weapon against swine flu: Elmo. Great, a little, furry red monster who hangs out with a guy in a garbage can is going to teach kids to be clean. This is going to go over as well as the "Marriage is between a Man and Woman" campaign with Bert and Ernie.

-The FAA ruled that Southwest Airlines can continue to fly despite using unauthorized parts. Earlier in the year, the airline was allowed to continue flying and only fined, when a one foot hole opened in the fuselage, for using, as Southwest called it, “an unauthorized speedometer”.

-Big things are happening at Disney; they bought the rights to Marvel’s characters. A lot of deals being made. Some happier than others. Prince Charming said, “There goes The Magic Kingdom!” Minnie’s excited about Mickey’s new plastic-man ability, and Wolverine’s contract stipulates that he gets to wake Sleeping Beauty three times a week.

-A man jumped from a carnival cruise ship after having an argument with a woman. She told him she wouldn’t sleep with him if he were the last man on the boat. He said, “How about the only man in the water?”

Required Reading

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

As requested, here are the most popular books being read by high school students after the required reading list was dropped.

Students can now picks the books they read. What they’re reading and where:

-In the Men’s Locker Room

Small is the New Big

Megan Fox’s Vaseline Tips

The Catcher in the Guy

- In the Women’s Locker Room

Hot, Flat, and Crowded

Brave New Curls

-In the Cafeteria

The Great Gassy

Lord of the Fries

Charlottes Web 2: Tasty Bacon

-Under the Bleachers

Farenheit 4:20

Where the Wild Weeds Are

-PE Class

Romeo & Julie Sweat

A Tale of Two Sissies

-In the Classroom

The Seven Highly Effective Habits of Spitballs

The Game: Teacher Addition

The Grades of Wrath

-In Wood-shop

A Farewell to Arms