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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

- There are hints of oligopoly as the 3 major beer companies are raising their prices at the same time. Budweiser said it would’ve done it alone but it knew that fat friend, big Government, would get in the way, so it called in wing-men Coors and Miller while it tried to screw the hot consumer.

- Energy officials are worried that natural gas tanks are reaching their storage capacity. Almost all tanks are at maximum. Even after spewing out natural gas all day, our reserve tank, Rush Limbaugh, is reported to be at capacity.

- CEO of Whole Foods, John Mackey, is in hot water. He wrote an article harshly criticizing Obama’s health care plan. He said Americans can’t afford to pay for everyone’s health insurance especially when they have to buy Whole Food’s 8 dollar rice crispy treats.

- The widow of a man buried face down above Marilyn Monroe is moving him sideways, over the grave that’ll eventually hold Hugh Heffner, to sell his spot to pay for her mortgage. Marilyn can roll over in her grave any way she wants, doesn’t matter, she’s getting screwed.

- A mother of two is going to be caned for drinking a beer which is illegal for Malaysian Muslims to do. She said if she had known she was going to take a hit for it, she would have ordered something better than a bud light.

- Computer scientists say one in five people looking on-line for Jessica Biel pictures will get a virus, thus making her the digital equivalent of Lindsay Lohan.

RSS feed

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

L.A.’s safer city initiative makes it illegal to sleep, sit or store personal belongings on sidewalks and other places. A judge however, refused to criminalize camping out in front of movie theaters dressed like a jedi citing he could punish them no further than life already was.

Honduran leader Manuel Zelaya, who was ousted in his pajamas at bayonet point, has given his rival one week to step down. If his orders are not met, he will get very very angry, and give him just one more week to step down.

A teen not paying attention while walking and texting fell into a manhole. Here parents are suing the city for posting a sign and not warning passerbys by text.

A California bill is in the works to tax and regulate Marijuana which would raise more than $1.4 billion. Gov. Schwarzenegger says, “Our unemployment rate is really going to get “high” now!”

A Texas teenager became the youngest person to sail around the world. As he approached the dock, one of his astonished classmates was overheard saying, “Man, this puts to shame anything I’ve done to get a hand-job!”

YOU MUST READ THIS NOW!!!!!

You may not know this sender. Mark as safe|Mark as junk

Sent: Thu 7/02/09 1:33 PM

teabagger@aol.com; Keith olbermann obamaisjesus@yahoo.com; bill O’reilly republicansarentgay@yahoo.com; cory Jarvis (pleaserofnoladies@hotmail.com); tightshirtsmakemesexy@hotmail.com; hairlip@yahoo.com; roN jeremy frankencyack@yahoo.com; under.wear.smelly@verizon.net; wookielover@verizon.net; girls@gonewild.com; George Bush kegmaster@verizon.net; fatandfunky@verizon.net; Joe biden pimpinainteasy@verizon.net; Lickylikenstien@msn.com; J-lo@all-butts.com; thirdnipple@global.net; capt.crunch@aol.com; 50 cent 2quarters@earthlink.net; Ann coulter poopypants@yahoo.com; ojsimpson@guilty.com; butterbutt@aol.com

Sent: 7/2/2259 10:18:07 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time

Subj: THE SKY IS FALLING!!!

 

If this is true, it is way too important to overlook!!!!!!!!!!!

Obama is a Muslim!! A recent poll has shown that all muslims support 

> Obama (Even someone named BIN LADEN!!!). With so many muslims supporting him how 

>can we trust him? He also has a secret MUSLIM LOVER. Check the picture. How come the

> liberal press won’t show you it?! Pssss, (whisper) they're muslims too! 

> 

>The Government wants to destroy health care for senior citizens. Obama’s grandmother was a 

>senior citizen, she made him wait in lines, now he wants revenge! People in Europe, Canada, 

>and other countries I’ve never been to have to wait months to see a doctor. Why should you 

>have to wait in line so everyone can have health insurance?!

> 

> In England , anyone over 59 cannot receive heart repairs, stents or bypass because it is not 

>covered as being too expensive and not needed. That’s right, in England old people just die 

>everywhere, people step right over them in the street!

> 

> Looks like Obama is sure keeping his word .....Changes. Bad changes. Changes >we don’t 

>need, America. Just ask anyone who is independently wealthy or has never had a major illness

>THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH OUR HEALTH CARE!! 

> 

> 

> Besides, Americans don’t want socialized medical care (whatever that means!).

> Those commie bastards already have the post office and my recent issue of 

>Guns& Ammo was two days late. TWO DAYS LATE! Everyone at the assault rifle

>pot luck knew about the Death grip 220 and I didn’t. Can you imagine my embarrassment?!

> Don’t let this happen to health care!!!

> 

>  SAD!!!

>

> Please do not let Obama sign our death warrants! 

>  

> 

>Beware of the Y3K 41 virus. Once infected, if you open any e-mails, left click your 

>mouse, or sneeze it will erase your hard drive and kill a puppy!

> 

>My name is Didjabooty and my father is king of Zambiria. Recently he was kid- 

>napped by a band of forrest gnomes. They want 10 million dollars to release him. Please open 

>a bank account, send me $2000 and I will put 11 million in the account. Give 10 million to the 

>fairy at midnight and you can keep the rest!!!

> 

> 

> This is being sent anonymously by a hard working American who doesn’t work for 

> any industries that might be affected by what is written above. I’m just a person 

> who knows most Americans will believe everything as written and without doing 

> any research will regurgitate this to friends and family as fact.

> 

>Forward this to your ten closest friends or they will die of dysentery!

The solution to the mortgage crises

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

We appreciate every citizen of this great country’s need to at some point own a home. We are one of the few home loan companies not affected by the current mortgage crises. This is due to our rigorous, yet simple test all applicants must fill out. If you answer no to all questions, you are welcome to come in and apply for a loan. If you answer yes to any of the following questions, then by all means, please do get the F%@k out!

1. Does your job require you to know the difference between a tall, venti, and a grande? If yes, get the F%@k out.

2. Does your job require you to wear a name tag? If yes, get the F%@k out.

3. You live in L.A. Do you have a head-shot? If yes, get the F%@k out.

4. Does your job require you to spend long hours on your cellphone arguing with your significant other while giving me the “I don’t think so hand sign” when I ask you where the batteries are? If yes, get the F%@k out.

5. Does your checking account have more zeros than an MC Hammer concert? If yes, get the F%@k out.

6. When speaking with friends, do you substitute their names with the word “Yo?” If yes, get the F%@k out. 

7. Do you have no legitimate children to speak of but refer to everyone as “son?” If yes, get the F%@k out.

We thank you for your interest.

Bending over Fannie and Freddy, and making Countrywide our bitch,

N.B.S. Home Loans