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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

- There are hints of oligopoly as the 3 major beer companies are raising their prices at the same time. Budweiser said it would’ve done it alone but it knew that fat friend, big Government, would get in the way, so it called in wing-men Coors and Miller while it tried to screw the hot consumer.

- Energy officials are worried that natural gas tanks are reaching their storage capacity. Almost all tanks are at maximum. Even after spewing out natural gas all day, our reserve tank, Rush Limbaugh, is reported to be at capacity.

- CEO of Whole Foods, John Mackey, is in hot water. He wrote an article harshly criticizing Obama’s health care plan. He said Americans can’t afford to pay for everyone’s health insurance especially when they have to buy Whole Food’s 8 dollar rice crispy treats.

- The widow of a man buried face down above Marilyn Monroe is moving him sideways, over the grave that’ll eventually hold Hugh Heffner, to sell his spot to pay for her mortgage. Marilyn can roll over in her grave any way she wants, doesn’t matter, she’s getting screwed.

- A mother of two is going to be caned for drinking a beer which is illegal for Malaysian Muslims to do. She said if she had known she was going to take a hit for it, she would have ordered something better than a bud light.

- Computer scientists say one in five people looking on-line for Jessica Biel pictures will get a virus, thus making her the digital equivalent of Lindsay Lohan.