YOU MUST READ THIS NOW!!!!!

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Sent: Thu 7/02/09 1:33 PM

teabagger@aol.com; Keith olbermann obamaisjesus@yahoo.com; bill O’reilly republicansarentgay@yahoo.com; cory Jarvis (pleaserofnoladies@hotmail.com); tightshirtsmakemesexy@hotmail.com; hairlip@yahoo.com; roN jeremy frankencyack@yahoo.com; under.wear.smelly@verizon.net; wookielover@verizon.net; girls@gonewild.com; George Bush kegmaster@verizon.net; fatandfunky@verizon.net; Joe biden pimpinainteasy@verizon.net; Lickylikenstien@msn.com; J-lo@all-butts.com; thirdnipple@global.net; capt.crunch@aol.com; 50 cent 2quarters@earthlink.net; Ann coulter poopypants@yahoo.com; ojsimpson@guilty.com; butterbutt@aol.com

Sent: 7/2/2259 10:18:07 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time

Subj: THE SKY IS FALLING!!!

 

If this is true, it is way too important to overlook!!!!!!!!!!!

Obama is a Muslim!! A recent poll has shown that all muslims support 

> Obama (Even someone named BIN LADEN!!!). With so many muslims supporting him how 

>can we trust him? He also has a secret MUSLIM LOVER. Check the picture. How come the

> liberal press won’t show you it?! Pssss, (whisper) they're muslims too! 

> 

>The Government wants to destroy health care for senior citizens. Obama’s grandmother was a 

>senior citizen, she made him wait in lines, now he wants revenge! People in Europe, Canada, 

>and other countries I’ve never been to have to wait months to see a doctor. Why should you 

>have to wait in line so everyone can have health insurance?!

> 

> In England , anyone over 59 cannot receive heart repairs, stents or bypass because it is not 

>covered as being too expensive and not needed. That’s right, in England old people just die 

>everywhere, people step right over them in the street!

> 

> Looks like Obama is sure keeping his word .....Changes. Bad changes. Changes >we don’t 

>need, America. Just ask anyone who is independently wealthy or has never had a major illness

>THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH OUR HEALTH CARE!! 

> 

> 

> Besides, Americans don’t want socialized medical care (whatever that means!).

> Those commie bastards already have the post office and my recent issue of 

>Guns& Ammo was two days late. TWO DAYS LATE! Everyone at the assault rifle

>pot luck knew about the Death grip 220 and I didn’t. Can you imagine my embarrassment?!

> Don’t let this happen to health care!!!

> 

>  SAD!!!

>

> Please do not let Obama sign our death warrants! 

>  

> 

>Beware of the Y3K 41 virus. Once infected, if you open any e-mails, left click your 

>mouse, or sneeze it will erase your hard drive and kill a puppy!

> 

>My name is Didjabooty and my father is king of Zambiria. Recently he was kid- 

>napped by a band of forrest gnomes. They want 10 million dollars to release him. Please open 

>a bank account, send me $2000 and I will put 11 million in the account. Give 10 million to the 

>fairy at midnight and you can keep the rest!!!

> 

> 

> This is being sent anonymously by a hard working American who doesn’t work for 

> any industries that might be affected by what is written above. I’m just a person 

> who knows most Americans will believe everything as written and without doing 

> any research will regurgitate this to friends and family as fact.

> 

>Forward this to your ten closest friends or they will die of dysentery!

RSS Feed

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-Obama, seeking to reassure gays, tied their struggles with African Americans saying both our people have been hosed by men in police officers uniforms. As a symbolic gesture he opened a white house closet and three Republicans came out.

-Mississippi, named the fattest state, voted to become Misisipi to accommodate wheezing citizens.

-Walmart backs government health care plan. All employees will be issued new health insurance kit which contains an orange, a rectal thermometer, and a Magic 8 Ball.

-Sarah Palin bragged she could beat Obama in running. White House staff declined the challenge citing the race, which starts in the middle of Harlem at 3 AM, would favor Palin.

-E.Coli confirmed in Nestle Toll House cookies. Witnesses say they heard grunting from inside the fridge, and when they opened the door, a short, white, pants-less male fled the scene with a devilish grin, letting out a high pitched coo. Police have released this sketch of what the subject may look like:

The solution to the mortgage crises

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

We appreciate every citizen of this great country’s need to at some point own a home. We are one of the few home loan companies not affected by the current mortgage crises. This is due to our rigorous, yet simple test all applicants must fill out. If you answer no to all questions, you are welcome to come in and apply for a loan. If you answer yes to any of the following questions, then by all means, please do get the F%@k out!

1. Does your job require you to know the difference between a tall, venti, and a grande? If yes, get the F%@k out.

2. Does your job require you to wear a name tag? If yes, get the F%@k out.

3. You live in L.A. Do you have a head-shot? If yes, get the F%@k out.

4. Does your job require you to spend long hours on your cellphone arguing with your significant other while giving me the “I don’t think so hand sign” when I ask you where the batteries are? If yes, get the F%@k out.

5. Does your checking account have more zeros than an MC Hammer concert? If yes, get the F%@k out.

6. When speaking with friends, do you substitute their names with the word “Yo?” If yes, get the F%@k out. 

7. Do you have no legitimate children to speak of but refer to everyone as “son?” If yes, get the F%@k out.

We thank you for your interest.

Bending over Fannie and Freddy, and making Countrywide our bitch,

N.B.S. Home Loans

RSS Feed

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-French Prime Minister Sarkozy called for banning the Burqa, said, “We can not know whether you truly are French until you remove that Burqa and show us your armpit hair!”

-The pentagon will open a new command for cyberspace. Recruiting has already begun at Star trek conventions all over. Incentives for joining include one free year of World of Warcraft, an email address ending with @cybercommander.com, and unlimited pop-tarts. Their  new slogan is, Cybercommand: We’re looking for a few good virgins.

-Blackeyed Peas road manager asked gossip blogger Perez Hilton why he felt qualified to criticize people when he can’t sing, act, dance - then punched Perez in the eye - or fight. (To hear the audio of Perez being hit, play the first 3 seconds of Prince’s “Your Kiss.”)

-Many Sharks face extinction which has left drunk surf instructors pondering a new animal to attribute appendix removal scar to.

-Obama, an occasional smoker, signed anti smoking bills. Other legislation passed:

McCain signed Anti-Hi Fiving bill.

Bristol Palin signed No Child Left behind in her Womb bill.

Samuel Jackson helped sponsor Hollywood anti-profanity laws.

-Chinese Central bank chief Zhou Xiaochuan argued to replace the dollar. He said, “The dollar had become so toxic that not even Chinese toy manufactures would use it.”

A letter from me

Dear 2009 Cory,

Your life today is a direct product of the decisions you’ve made up to this point. The farmer does not plant the seed today and tomorrow wake to find rows of healthy, wealth producing corn. No, it takes months of planning, cultivating, and tending to his crop and even then, nothing is guaranteed. However, if the correct decisions are made, your dreams, your goals - not in one days time, but over a period of time when plans are cultivated and carefully tended to - will grow to fruition. 

Moral: Today’s seeds will grow to be next years crop. Plant wisely! 

So keep it in your pants, turn off the Xbox, and go write, write, write, dude!!

Sincerely,

2010 Cory

P.S. Nice ass, dude!

RSS Feed

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-Microsoft users rank Bing top search engine for finding Google.

-Trying to run away from a crowd of screaming teenage fans, Robert Patterson, star of the hit movie “Twilight,” was struck by a NYC taxi. The cab driver, whose daughters made him take them to see the movie, said, “Now we are even.”

-Clothing retailer Eddie Bauer, after declaring bankruptcy, asked for a bailout citing their closure would give Banana Republic a monopoly on overpriced polo shirts.

-A health clinic servicing the porn industry was given a surprise state inspection. The inspector burst in with a video camera, a bass guitarist, and wearing nothing but rubber gloves and yelled, “Inspection time, Laaaaddddddiiiiiiieeeeeesss!”

-Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa raised two million dollars in private funds for the Lakers victory parade. He said the money would be used to pay for security, clean up crews, and cars for fans to turn over and burn.

E3 Gaming Convention

Dear Wii fan,

Nintendo has heard your cries for more mature, realistic games and we have listened! Here are just a few from our exciting new fall line up:

Ender’s Game Iraq

Soar over the skies of Baghdad controlling an unmanned predator drone. Looks so realistic but don’t worry, it’s not; we made our quota this month. Use the ultra sophisticated camera to zoom in on the ground below - Hey! What’s that guy doing with a goat? Post the video on YouTube to reduce virtual troop stress levels. 

Super Mario Plumbing

The Princess needs help! No, she hasn’t been kidnapped, but she has dropped too many kids off at the pool. Ready for Donkey Kong? It turns out he doesn’t just eat bananas. Better hurry, Toad had Indian food last night. Plunge your way to the end and face off with King Koopa Supa Poopa.

Rush Limbaugh’s Abu Ghraib-and-Go

Voiced by the freedom loving man himself, play as a high ranking official at Abu Ghraib prison. Get in touch with your inner Republican as you order troops to torture, and when the media catches wind, find a way to blame it on everyone but you and your civilian superiors. 

Long live Nintendo and it’s panel of gay console namers!

Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii,

Nintentendo