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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-A judge ruled that Paris Hilton doesn’t have to pay back $8 million to a studio after her movie flopped. It wasn’t that she wasn’t guilty, said the judge, “but in order to make a fair decision, I’d have to go back and watch the entire movie, and I’m just not willing to do that.

-Colleges have been advised to isolate students with swine flu. Most schools have found that, through natural selection, students in the math and science departments have already been isolated.

-A woman pregnant with a record breaking twelve babies was exposed as a fraud. This was good news for the Octomom who was able to free up some time in her schedule by canceling her date with those thirteen guys. And right now there is a relieved guy asking god, “Do I really have to go to church for the next twelve years?

-Former Speaker of the House, Tom Delay, who was ousted from congress for a lobbying scandal, will be on Dancing with the Stars. In congress his nickname was The Hammer. After dancing the Lambada with him his partner changed his nickname to the toothpick.

-A man legally carried an assault rifle to an Obama protest. When asked about the legality of the gun the man said the constitution was there to ban things that hurt people like underage drinking, public nudity, and noisy ice-cream trucks, not assault rifles.

-Joe Jonas of the teen band The Jonas Brothers will temporarily fill Paula Abdul’s spot on American Idol. Simon Cowl said they’d have to be weeding out a lot of bad music and besides Paula Abdul, who knows bad music better than a Jonas Brother?

-Heeding the calls for more flexibility the SAT now gives students the option of choosing which scores they send to college. The makers of the test said it now better reflected the realities of college because these kids are going to be doing some heavy drinking, late night partying, and won’t always want be proud to show off a score.