New York City’s District 26 Candidates

Dear Citizen,

It’s that time of year again. City Council campaigns are in full swing with candidates gearing up for the elections. To help you make a better, well informed choice and have a little fun, we have devised a simple form that requires you to match the correct candidate’s picture (there are some impostors) with his/her info.

A)B)C) D)E)F)

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Dear Citizen,
It’s that time of year again. City Council campaigns are in full swing with candidates gearing up for the elections. To help you make a better, well informed choice and have a little fun, we have devised a simple form that requires you to match the correct candidate’s picture (there are some impostors) with his/her info.

1.
Conservative Democrat (A Republican with a gay brother): Born and raised in Woodside, where he still resides under the train tracks, this candidate feeds pigeons and whistles at women with large derrieres. According to the candidate, he is a foreign language service provider (Jawa, Wookie, and droid), with locations on Endor, Vulcan, and formerly on Alderon. He is a member of the community council to ban use of Crocs.

2.
Democratish: A lifelong Subterranean Queens resident, this candidate currently lives under Sunnyside with the mole people and is the Chief External Affairs Officer of the Queens Public Library which means he checks books out and reads them outside. He is an activist for gay & lesbian rights, believes that gay horses really do eat heeeeeyyyyyy!, and has photographic evidence of aliens ordering takeout from the China One Taco House. He also is a member of Community Board 2, 3, 72, 69 (Yeeeeah!), 56, 872, 1 1/2 & their Allow Urinating in Public Committee.

3.
Republican: Born in Jackson Heights, and then later, to get away from the curry smell, settling in Long Island City, this candidate is a business lawyer who worked in NY law firm White & Whiter’s Tokyo office, where he was elected Chair of Democrats Abroad, Japan Chapter (The Flying Geishas), which helps Americans overseas to vote for people they’ve never heard of. He is currently a legal council for the Club a Baby Seal Foundation and a former official of the Democratic National Ban children's Lemon-aid Stands committee.

4.
Rock Hard Liberal: Born and lives outside of 26, this candidate admits he’s not very fond of district 26 but needs a job so he can move out of his Mom’s house. He has unlocked every achievement on Xbox 360’s Rainbow 6: Las Vegas, so he knows how to get things done. He is currently the head of the governing council for the Committee for Refuse and Waste Removal from his Mother’s kitchen.

5.
Airport Bathroom Republican: Can’t believe she’s still living in stinking Queens, this candidate is doing anything and everything (Yes, even that, you sicko.) to make enough money to make it into Manhattan. She is an investigative lawyer and hopefully does not read Mad magazine. She is also Deputy Director of the Administrative Services Assistant to Procuring Locally Advertising in State Official Sounding Board of Directors Instructions on How to Open This Consortium for Ideas Eating a Banana Sandwich Orthotics Department Zombie Smasher Frankly Speaking Division of the NYC Council & avid jogger.

6.
Republicrat: Born on the 7 train, this candidate is friends with a lawyer. He is a supervisor at Starbucks, can tell the difference between Tall, Venti, and Grande, and is a proponent of slavery. He is a member of the ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX, HBO, and WOW committees.

*For the answer key, send a request with a photograph of your girlfriend naked to Bob@bettergovernment.com