News Chunks

The Palin Strikes Back

Everyone’s favorite abstinence counselor slash teenage single mother, Bristol Palin, has made it to the finals of Dancing with the Stars.

She’s advancing to the finals despite the judges saying she was less qualified than the other dancers. When she heard, Sarah Palin winked at her husband and said, “She gets that from me.”

A Wisconsin man was so angry with the results that he shot his TV in disgust.

-On the positive side he now has a flat screen TV.

-His wife said it’s nothing new, we lose a TV every time a Target commercial comes on.

Darwin Juice

Makers of Four Loko have agreed to stop shipments to New York when the city (in a Godfather voice) made them an offer they couldn’t refuse.

For those of you not in the know, Four Loko is an alcohol infused energy drink. Yes, an alcoholic beverage that gets you drunk but gives you the energy to stay awake so you can make even more bad decisions.

All those times you were drinking, waking up with so many questions. Now you’ll be able to stay awake and finally figure out what happened to your pants.

State liquor authority said that a minor working undercover for the police was illegally sold Four Loko at 11 of 28 stores in the Bronx. So get this straight, kids, you’re too young to drink alcohol, but you’re old enough to be an undercover cop.

11 out of 28 stores. The kid would have bought Four Loko in every store but he stopped outside the other 17 to buy crack.

Dearest of Readers

To the reader(s?) of Letters from People:

You get to decide. The reason for the lack of posts is because Cory:

A) has discovered internet porn.
B) is experiencing a surge in stage-time and is devoting his minuscule amounts of available time to working on his act.
C) is currently on tour with Barney on ice.
D) is tired of the confining parameters of this blog, but not technically savvy enough to do anything about it.
E) is learning to spell diahreah.

Rest assured, Cory will be back with more posts at some point in the not-so-distant future.

The Club

Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is another edition of the “Letters from People” Global News update. Enjoy.

A plumber helped deliver his son in his bathroom. Doctors say within three months his son's head should stop looking like a plunger.

Tar balls have been found off Key West which signifies the oil spill is spreading or those water tight baby diapers aren’t working.

A Minessota car accident unleashed 17 million bees. So many pent up bees, so few flowers, National Geographic's calling it Floral Bukake.

Fran Drescher talked about her gay ex-husband. It was love at first sight and gay at first sound of her voice.

Arizona Gov. to meet with Obama this week to discuss immigration. The meeting will not take place in Arizona due to Obama being unable to find his ID.

John Mayer had a mystery illness which forced the cancellation of his European shows. Doctors couldn't find his ailment but agreed his body was a wonderland.

Sarah Palin blamed environmentalist for the gulf disaster. She said the U.S. wouldn’t need so much oil if they’d stop using all of it to drive to the forrest and hug all those trees.

McDonald’s recalled 12 million toxic Shrek glasses. People who drank from them reported turning green and seeing everything in 3-D.

Tennis sensation Laura Robson has called some competing players sluts. Rivals say she’s good at tennis and bad with men for the same reason: She constantly whacks balls to other girls.

A N.C. candidate is attempting to debunk the myth that he's a drug addict with a criminal past. If elected, he'll prove it right after he pardons himself.

Rush Limbaugh weds wife #4. Promises not to eat this one.

Obama spoke at a high school graduation. He then offered students with acne jobs in the gulf citing their years of experience in oil displacement techniques.

A recent study finds that video gamers bodies are like 60 year old chain smokers. 60 year old chain smokers protested the study saying it unfairly links them with a bunch of unhealthy virgins.

Tea party candidate Fiorna was caught on camera criticizing opponent Barbara boxers hair style. The following are excerpts from their debate on MTV’s Yo Mama:

Your hairstyle is so bad...

-not even John Edwards would sleep with you.

-Donald trump wants the number of your stylist.

Your hairstyle is so old...

-Dick Cheney remembers waterboarding it in highschool.

-Congress has passed a bill making it a historical preservation site.

-Your lice have moved on to the iron age.

A Harvard student brought from Mexico to the U.S. at 4 may be deported. Immigration says they would let him become a United States citizen but after studying at Harvard, he's now overqualified for the job.

The U.S. has dramatically increased oil spill estimates again. Officials credit a female inspector who said life has taught her that men are always lying when they say, don’t worry, not much will come out.

A man found $58 dollars in dog doo. Which he then used to buy $58 in hand sanitizer.

Animals and fish are fleeing the gulf oil spill. Scientists are now testing the effects of massive amounts of oil on sea life by studying swimming areas frequented by the cast of The Jersey shore.

Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here’s another official “Letters from People” Global News update.

Prosecutors say a man sexually assaulted a female passenger on a plane. It all started when she asked if she could eat his nuts.

Bill Clinton raffled himself off to pay down Hillary’s campaign debt. Non-bidding women at the auction agreed, why buy the cow when you can milk him for free?

Study shows children in rural areas just as likely to die from guns as kids in city. Millions of taxpayer’s dollars prove that no matter where you live, a bullet will kill you.

A Georgia history teacher let students wear clan outfits. The activity was a response to students asking what white people did for fun when they ran out of Indians.

A Kaplan college teacher told students they can't speak Spanish in class. Rules clearly state if you’re smart enough to speak two languages, please go to a real college.

Octomom united with PETA for a spay and neuter campaign. Look for her on posters above the word “Before.”

A Missouri school is fining students for cursing. First offense is five dollars, second is 10, and on the third they just give up and enlist you in the Navy. The principle said that regardless of their connection to staff no-one would be favored pointing out that recently a teacher even fined her student for cussing while she had sex with him.

Lady Gaga loves rumors that she has a penis. It's keeps attention away from the tasseled scrotum.

Obama heckled his heckler at a fundraiser. The President first berated the man's multi-colored sweater, then asked him how he'd like it if he came to his house kicking teleprompters off of his stage.

Tennis star returns after breast reduction surgery. Networks cancel first match scheduled to be in 3-D.

Letters from People's Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is the official "Letters from People" Global News update.

NFL defensive rookie of the year, Brian Cushing, tested positive for fertility drugs. All suspicions were laid to rest when, after winning the big game, Cushing bypassed dumping Gatorade on the coach, and instead broke his water over him.

A growing number of economists are encouraging students not to go to college. And thus, poor people, begins your first college test: What should you do when encouraged not to go to college by a secure, well paid, highly educated economist worried about the rising price in lap dances?

Sammy Sosa is reportedly black again. Doctors say he’s recovering quickly but warned that he may never dance well again.

An overwhelmed UCLA student faked her own kidnapping. She was planning on just dropping out but thought, as a theatre major, she should spice things up.

Playboy is set to unveil a 3-D centerfold. The magazine is said to be killing two birds with one stone by making the 3-D activate only when the reader sticks the pages together. It's the first copy of playboy where things will shoot out from the page as opposed to onto it.

Letters from People's Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is another official “Letters from People” Global News update.

A report on government abuse shows members of congress used military transportation for even local travel. One congressman said his military escort was necessary because he was going mattress shopping and was afraid of running into Al Qeada sleeper cells.

The New York based maker of Arizona Tea got caught up in a boycott. The California based Pennsylvania Sushi Taco makers union thinks protested the tea saying it's disingenuous.

Rep. Gene Taylor of Michigan compared the Gulf oil spill to chocolate milk saying it will eventually break up. Residents who have to live near the spill have compared his re-election campaign to the after effects of eating a burrito saying at first there is a lot of noise and then, boom, it gets flushed down the toilet.

The Pentagon revealed the secret number of nuclear warheads in it’s arsenal. Many have criticized the government for being too open but pentagon officials say no one can argue against the fact that this has been the most effective strategy for eliminating Al Qaeda spy networks.

Tennessee republican Tom Kirkland says in his military days "Gays were taken care of.” He wouldn't explain how, but pointed to his book debuting next year called, "Foxhole Lovin."

A California woman is raising 36 foster children. Her online dating profile says, “Must like kids/potential basketball teams.” She says she doesn’t worry about the kids running away but hasn’t found a way to keep that from happening when she brings home a guy home and tells him, “Try not to wake up my 36 kids.”

An Australian town was forced to import sperm from the US. The Australian clinic, seeking the fastest most direct route to massive quantities of unused American sperm, put an add directly onto Xbox live.

Apps for a galaxy far, far, far away from here.

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Seeing as how you are a geek, we thought you might be interested in the following exciting products soon to be available to a select few in the galaxy.

Letters from People's Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is the official "Letters from People" Global News update.

Texas governor, Rick Perry, shot and killed a coyote while on a jog. He then turned to the camera, said, "MEEP, MEEP!" and sped off.

Mad men actor Vincent Kartheiser says he lives in a home without a toilet. Neighbors questioned his lack of basic necessities but stopped when their gardens began to flourish.

Refried bean swastikas were smeared on the Arizona state Capitol windows. They were later wrapped in tortillas and set ablaze as crowds cheered the opening of the Mexican-German festival.

A Nebraska court house features an official picture of President Obama smoking. Officials claimed they weren't being racist, they just needed a quick replacement for the pic of a monkey they used to have there.

Brazil’s Health Minister’s solution for the nation’s rising high blood pressure is to have more sex. He delivered the entire speech, back to the audience, facing his wife.

An anonymous donor gave a $17,000 diamond to the good will.The next day a homeless guy bought it for .25 cents.

Teen gives up bid to sail around the world solo. His girlfriend called and said okay, I get it, I'll show you my boobs already.

Letters from People's Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is the latest edition of the “Letters from People” Global News update. Enjoy.

A woman found a rat in a Chef Boyardee can. Hurry kids, if you want to be allowed in the magical Boyardee factory, there are only seven more rats out there!

As protests continue the US warns citizens about travel to Thailand. Officials especially warned men hoping to pick up young Thai girls saying that if the woman has a bulge in her pants, whether protester or not, you’re about to be robbed of something.

Nebraska’s Gov. is set to sign a bill requiring women to be screened for mental health before being allowed to have an abortion. Republicans rallied around him after statistics showed that allowing mentally unstable women to terminate their pregnancy would cause future shortages in tea party membership.

A California man made threats to Nancy Polosi because he was angered over health care. He later apologized, admitted he was a recently laid-off health insurance claim inspector, and said keeping people in pain is a hard habit to break.

An Alaskan eagle survived a death spiral plunge after a mid-air mating dance.The worst part of it all is the eagle didn't even like the other bird but was just being a wing-man for his friend who flew off with a chubby pigeon.

Michelle Obama made an official visit to Mexico. During her tour she found a new way to help obese American kids that involves factory work sponsored by the Gap.

Cookbook recipe calls for ground black people. To be fair, right before that it says to smash all the crackers.

A poll finds tea party backers wealthier and more educated than the general public. How white are these people? Let's just put it this way, some of them were calling John McCain the n word.

S.E.C. staffers were busy watching porn as the economy crashed. They said women at the bars repeatedly rejected they're I.P.O’s so the needed a way to get their stocks up.

7-eleven introduced their own brand of beer. Company execs say it's just one more exciting product they can offer customers wanting explosive diarrhea.

RSS Feed

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is yet another edition of the “Letters from People” Global News update. Enjoy.

Police have arrested two women after they tried to enter a plane with the body of a dead relative. They got caught when the stewardess asked him if he wanted aisle or window and they responded with, “Overhead bin, please.”

Virginia Governor Robert McDonnel brought back confederate history month without mentioning slavery. It’s part of the state’s new “Visit the Real Virginia” tourism campaign which also offers guests a mullet, a “I heart shotguns” wife-beater, and free front teeth removal.

The Wisconsin D.A. threatened to arrest sex Ed. teachers.The teachers, deep into the lesson, were reaching the climax of their lecture when they were prematurely pulled out and the lesson was blown.The D.A. claimed some of the class themes were too big for high school students to which the teachers replied, it's not the size of the lecture that counts but the material within it.

Kate Gosselin says it remains a challenge being a mother of 8 kids and competing on a hit show. Most Americans can relate to that as it remains a challenge to watch Kate Gosselin get on another hit show.

An Australian doctor declared that the cure for all common health ailments is a strong dose of Vitamin D. Experts question the validity of his statement especially because he announced it while standing on a bar stool and pointing at his thrusting pelvis.

Letters from People's Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is another edition of the “Letters from People” Global News update. Enjoy.

A Florida urologist is refusing to treat Obama supporters. They’re easy to spot he said because their urine sample cup is filled with hope.

Flash mobs gathered in around 150 cities worldwide to take part in international pillow fight day. Feathers were flying everywhere, it got so exciting that while flying overhead, not wanting to miss out, two ducks turned and slammed into each other.

An Amazon rep. claims a lost package was eaten by an alligator. They got it back though because it turns out even the digestive system of a croc. can't handle Sarah Palin’s new book.

US rep. Hank Wilson opposes adding more troops to Guam for fear the island will tip over. He also wanted to add a limit to the distances the navy could go in order to keep them from falling off the earth. And recently after watching Harry Potter he pushed for a bill to end British dominance of magic schools.

Movie Review

Clash of the Titans: Best comedy of the year. Just like the first one without all the messy character development. And best part ladies, now every time your man goes the bathroom you get to hear: Release the KRAKEN! Oh, and if it hadn’t been for the two minutes of 3-D footage in the 2 hour movie, fans may have felt cheated.

Global News Update

Dear Mr. Cory Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-A sweeping school lunch bill cleared the senate panel. The committee members stated that unlike cafeteria pizza, this bill will pass through us.

-More couples are putting off divorce until the economy turns around. Wives say their investment got nothing but limp returns, while husbands say the market’s a real bitch.

-The Democrats passed sweeping health legislation. The Republicans have vowed that, come November elections, Democrats will regret making voters so healthy.

-Lindsay Lohan recently fell on a cactus. At first she was angry and wanted to tear it out, but then she changed her mind, felt bad for it when she was heard it hadn’t had a drink in weeks.

Global News Update

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is another installment of your weekly Global News Update.

-Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy broke up. Fans around the world are showing their support by pretending to not know the two were ever dating or that they even exist. Hewitt says it has nothing to do with recently seeing one of his movies for the first time.

-Navy moves to allow women on submarines. All men serving on subs reported periscopes up and ready to dive.

-Hundreds of people were stranded on the New Jersey transit train for five hours. The smell of filth and urine filled the air but luckily the passengers couldn’t smell it because they were inside the train.

-Utah House Majority leader Kevin Garn resigned after revealing getting naked 25 years ago in a hot tub with a 15 year-old girl. In his defense he was getting in the hot tub, she was there, and he’s a firm believer in no child left behind.

-David Beckham tore his Achilles tendon. Doctors are now advising sports enthusiast patients to not bend it like Beckham.

Global News Update

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is a little more of what you missed throughout March.

-Former Basketball player Winston Bennet says during his career he slept with over 90 woman a month. His signature move on the court was the same in sex: Two pumps, shoot, and hustle out of there.

-Vice Pres. Biden took a moment to honor the memory of the Irish Prime Minister’s Mom who is still alive. The Prime Minister then pointed out she always looks that way after St. Patrick’s Day.

-A study shows that dogs originated in the middle east. There is very little record of them in the west until the introduction of the fire hydrant.

-Pepsi is dropping out of schools worldwide by 2012. It turns out coke wins because its vending machine buttons are lower.

-Obama called for an overhaul of the “No child left behind policy.” Obama wants to change no child left behind, Bush wants no child left behind, and Clinton wanted people to touch his behind.

-Final Fantasy VIII sold 450,000 units in America in one day. Protesters complained about the cruel name saying the guys playing it weren’t fulfilling any fantasies let alone the final one.

-The government is investigating the use of contractors to track and kill militants. Hopefully it’s not the same contractors that supply the government with toilet paper or we can expect the militants to just become red and irritated.

Global News Dump, Feb.-Mar.

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here's the Global News we dug up for Feb.-Mar. Enjoy.

-Nick Jonas announced a solo tour for January with his new band which he formed to work on songs “not quite right for the Jonas Brothers.” So in other words, he’s trying to make music that doesn’t suck.

-Two brothers living in a cave inherited $7 billion. When first informed their only response was, “YABADABADOOOOOO!”

-300 Disney World Monorail passengers were stuck due to a power outage. After reaching the hotel three hours later, passengers were delighted saying it had been the shortest wait for a ride all day.

-The Princess and The Frog debuted at No. 1 at the box office. Surprisingly nearly one in five moviegoers were adults without children. Meaning if you saw “Princess” this weekend you’re either a parent, in the wrong theatre, or appearing on next week’s “To Catch a Predator.”

-A study shows that kids who are spanked are more well adjusted later in life. By "well adjusted," they mean the kids have turned 18 and can move away from the parent that’s spanking them.

-The much anticipated James Cameron film “Avatar” debuts this Friday. Everyone loves it already even though no one has seen it, in fact, a committee in Oslo has awarded it the Nobel Greatest Movie Ever Prize.

-Congress is drafting a bill to turn the volumes down on commercials. The bill faces strong opposition from the powerful Mute Button industry.

- A “World of Warcraft” playing mom was accused of luring a Canadian teen away from home and having sex with him. She didn’t quite know what she did wrong so the judge explained in a way she would understand. "Lady, a level 46 troll can't have sex with a wizard’s assistance who has no control yet over his magic staff."

Global News Dump, Jan.-Feb.

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

We apologize for our extended absence. Global recession, fading of print media, a "what the hell am I doing with my life" period - you get the point. Here's some snippets of what you missed in Jan. and Feb.:

-McDonalds is considering rolling out a dollar breakfast menu. Even with the smaller portions though, experts agree, the healthier choice is still just to eat the dollar.

-A Florida baby missing for 5 days was found alive under a bed. You can imagine the mother’s surprise when for the last five days she found she was breast feeding the cat.

-The Yankees had their victory parade on Friday. They had considered holding it on a Saturday but with the unemployment rate at 10% city officials expect a big turnout. (100% of city's 10% unemployed)

- The University of Iowa medical center says a cat contracted the H1N1 virus. Which means that not only is the virus jumping from species to species but right now 45 million Americans have less health insurance than a cat in Iowa.

-A stolen VW Bus turned up at the port of LA, 35 years after being reported stolen. Discovered by four teens and their dog Scooby, the old man in the car screamed, “And I would’ve gotten away with it if it hadn’t been for you meddling kids!”

-A&E network unveiled the Jackson TV show. It’s a show about Michael Jackson’s four less talented brothers called “Is This It?”

-Steven Tyler has reportedly left Aerosmith although his lips have agreed to stay on with the band.

-The creators of “Got Milk?” have launched the “Raise your hand for chocolate milk” campaign. Most kids couldn’t so they launched the “Raise an eyebrow, twitch a muscle, or show us you can still move for chocolate milk campaign.”

-Sen. Robert C. Byrd has become the longest serving congress member. Despite being wheel chair bound and in ill health West Virginians continue to re-elect him. When an out-of-state reporter asked how he felt he replied, “Do the right thing. Kill me now!”