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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly global news update.

- Kraft is said to be in talks to finance an 8 billion dollar bid for Cadbury Chocolates. The Kraft CEO said 8 billion was nothing to finally find out what the hell they’re putting inside of those eggs.

- Ellen DeGeneres is set to become the next American Idol judge. Some fans were displeased, saying they wanted someone with musical talent. Ellen said she totally understands, she felt the same way when they hired Paula Abdul.

- Women’s Health magazine has revealed Michelle Obama’s secret for sculpting sleek arms. It turns out, it’s not easy being the hands that cover Joe Biden’s mouth.

- “The Beatles: Rock Band” video game drew crowds of shoppers. Buyers said the game changed and empowered them. Before buying it they had no musical talent and now they’re Guitar Heroes. And instead of being lonely, they now call themselves masturbation warriors.

- First lady Michelle Obama promises to be commencement speaker at George Washington University if the community completes 100,000 hours of community service. Her speech will begin with, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, you reached 100,000 hours of community service! The bad news: with this job market, you’re probably going to be doing a hundred thousand more.

List of Volunteer opportunities already popping up:

-Carve “Levi” into Sarah Palin’s bullets.

-Hold back Nancy Pelosi’s face until the botox arrives.

-Ride the bicycle connected to Dick Cheney’s heart.

-Change John McCain’s diapers on burrito night.

Roommates

Dear Cory,

Look, I remember the verbal agreement we made that night you came into the kitchen and turned on the light. Haven’t forgotten it. No, sir. But here’s the deal. I’ve had a few kids. And by “a few”, I mean a thousand - don’t hate the player. And, well, they gotta eat, so why’d you freak out like that?

Now I’ll admit bringing out the whole family like that was a little much. But it was Saturday night. You know, or at least I thought you did, that’s when I take the whole family out for a meal. Not trying to pour salt in any wounds, but I mean, what were you doing home so early?

Besides, how could you leave those pizza boxes wide open if you didn’t want us snacking on them?! And those tasty bread crumbs under the toaster? You were begging us to eat them!

I just can’t believe you freaked out and set those traps. You sprayed little Johnny! Sure, he was a bit impetuous, but so full of youth and promise. Now he just runs in circles, licking his antenna.

How about throwing away the traps and wiping up some of that poison that’s souring up the fruit rinds my wife ate. For two weeks, she thought she was a ladybug.

I’ll tell you what, Cory, let’s make an oath to each other. You do your best to stay out all night, and I’ll keep the numbers down. I won’t even sweat you flushing a few of the kids down the toilet from time to time. Can always make more, right?!

Long live weak, generic trash bags, and thirty-something year old lazy, single guys!

Yours truly,

C. Roacha

RSS Feed

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-The government unveiled its new secret weapon against swine flu: Elmo. Great, a little, furry red monster who hangs out with a guy in a garbage can is going to teach kids to be clean. This is going to go over as well as the "Marriage is between a Man and Woman" campaign with Bert and Ernie.

-The FAA ruled that Southwest Airlines can continue to fly despite using unauthorized parts. Earlier in the year, the airline was allowed to continue flying and only fined, when a one foot hole opened in the fuselage, for using, as Southwest called it, “an unauthorized speedometer”.

-Big things are happening at Disney; they bought the rights to Marvel’s characters. A lot of deals being made. Some happier than others. Prince Charming said, “There goes The Magic Kingdom!” Minnie’s excited about Mickey’s new plastic-man ability, and Wolverine’s contract stipulates that he gets to wake Sleeping Beauty three times a week.

-A man jumped from a carnival cruise ship after having an argument with a woman. She told him she wouldn’t sleep with him if he were the last man on the boat. He said, “How about the only man in the water?”

Required Reading

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

As requested, here are the most popular books being read by high school students after the required reading list was dropped.

Students can now picks the books they read. What they’re reading and where:

-In the Men’s Locker Room

Small is the New Big

Megan Fox’s Vaseline Tips

The Catcher in the Guy

- In the Women’s Locker Room

Hot, Flat, and Crowded

Brave New Curls

-In the Cafeteria

The Great Gassy

Lord of the Fries

Charlottes Web 2: Tasty Bacon

-Under the Bleachers

Farenheit 4:20

Where the Wild Weeds Are

-PE Class

Romeo & Julie Sweat

A Tale of Two Sissies

-In the Classroom

The Seven Highly Effective Habits of Spitballs

The Game: Teacher Addition

The Grades of Wrath

-In Wood-shop

A Farewell to Arms

RSS Feed

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

- There are hints of oligopoly as the 3 major beer companies are raising their prices at the same time. Budweiser said it would’ve done it alone but it knew that fat friend, big Government, would get in the way, so it called in wing-men Coors and Miller while it tried to screw the hot consumer.

- Energy officials are worried that natural gas tanks are reaching their storage capacity. Almost all tanks are at maximum. Even after spewing out natural gas all day, our reserve tank, Rush Limbaugh, is reported to be at capacity.

- CEO of Whole Foods, John Mackey, is in hot water. He wrote an article harshly criticizing Obama’s health care plan. He said Americans can’t afford to pay for everyone’s health insurance especially when they have to buy Whole Food’s 8 dollar rice crispy treats.

- The widow of a man buried face down above Marilyn Monroe is moving him sideways, over the grave that’ll eventually hold Hugh Heffner, to sell his spot to pay for her mortgage. Marilyn can roll over in her grave any way she wants, doesn’t matter, she’s getting screwed.

- A mother of two is going to be caned for drinking a beer which is illegal for Malaysian Muslims to do. She said if she had known she was going to take a hit for it, she would have ordered something better than a bud light.

- Computer scientists say one in five people looking on-line for Jessica Biel pictures will get a virus, thus making her the digital equivalent of Lindsay Lohan.

Uncle Sam is Stimulating Everyone

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your monthly newsletter from the US Office of Accountability.

What 3,900 prisoners who were accidentally sent stimulus checks are buying:

• 3900 copies of The Shawshank Redemption
• 500 harmonicas and 3400 sets of earplugs
• 3500 soap on a ropes and 400 posters of Lance Bass
• Snuggies and fuzzy handcuffs
• A copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People with a Homemade Shiv”
• A Karaoke machine playing only Johnny Cash songs
• Combination Locked Underwear
  

RSS Feed

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-A judge ruled that Paris Hilton doesn’t have to pay back $8 million to a studio after her movie flopped. It wasn’t that she wasn’t guilty, said the judge, “but in order to make a fair decision, I’d have to go back and watch the entire movie, and I’m just not willing to do that.

-Colleges have been advised to isolate students with swine flu. Most schools have found that, through natural selection, students in the math and science departments have already been isolated.

-A woman pregnant with a record breaking twelve babies was exposed as a fraud. This was good news for the Octomom who was able to free up some time in her schedule by canceling her date with those thirteen guys. And right now there is a relieved guy asking god, “Do I really have to go to church for the next twelve years?

-Former Speaker of the House, Tom Delay, who was ousted from congress for a lobbying scandal, will be on Dancing with the Stars. In congress his nickname was The Hammer. After dancing the Lambada with him his partner changed his nickname to the toothpick.

-A man legally carried an assault rifle to an Obama protest. When asked about the legality of the gun the man said the constitution was there to ban things that hurt people like underage drinking, public nudity, and noisy ice-cream trucks, not assault rifles.

-Joe Jonas of the teen band The Jonas Brothers will temporarily fill Paula Abdul’s spot on American Idol. Simon Cowl said they’d have to be weeding out a lot of bad music and besides Paula Abdul, who knows bad music better than a Jonas Brother?

-Heeding the calls for more flexibility the SAT now gives students the option of choosing which scores they send to college. The makers of the test said it now better reflected the realities of college because these kids are going to be doing some heavy drinking, late night partying, and won’t always want be proud to show off a score.