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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-French Prime Minister Sarkozy called for banning the Burqa, said, “We can not know whether you truly are French until you remove that Burqa and show us your armpit hair!”

-The pentagon will open a new command for cyberspace. Recruiting has already begun at Star trek conventions all over. Incentives for joining include one free year of World of Warcraft, an email address ending with @cybercommander.com, and unlimited pop-tarts. Their  new slogan is, Cybercommand: We’re looking for a few good virgins.

-Blackeyed Peas road manager asked gossip blogger Perez Hilton why he felt qualified to criticize people when he can’t sing, act, dance - then punched Perez in the eye - or fight. (To hear the audio of Perez being hit, play the first 3 seconds of Prince’s “Your Kiss.”)

-Many Sharks face extinction which has left drunk surf instructors pondering a new animal to attribute appendix removal scar to.

-Obama, an occasional smoker, signed anti smoking bills. Other legislation passed:

McCain signed Anti-Hi Fiving bill.

Bristol Palin signed No Child Left behind in her Womb bill.

Samuel Jackson helped sponsor Hollywood anti-profanity laws.

-Chinese Central bank chief Zhou Xiaochuan argued to replace the dollar. He said, “The dollar had become so toxic that not even Chinese toy manufactures would use it.”

A letter from me

Dear 2009 Cory,

Your life today is a direct product of the decisions you’ve made up to this point. The farmer does not plant the seed today and tomorrow wake to find rows of healthy, wealth producing corn. No, it takes months of planning, cultivating, and tending to his crop and even then, nothing is guaranteed. However, if the correct decisions are made, your dreams, your goals - not in one days time, but over a period of time when plans are cultivated and carefully tended to - will grow to fruition. 

Moral: Today’s seeds will grow to be next years crop. Plant wisely! 

So keep it in your pants, turn off the Xbox, and go write, write, write, dude!!

Sincerely,

2010 Cory

P.S. Nice ass, dude!

RSS Feed

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-Microsoft users rank Bing top search engine for finding Google.

-Trying to run away from a crowd of screaming teenage fans, Robert Patterson, star of the hit movie “Twilight,” was struck by a NYC taxi. The cab driver, whose daughters made him take them to see the movie, said, “Now we are even.”

-Clothing retailer Eddie Bauer, after declaring bankruptcy, asked for a bailout citing their closure would give Banana Republic a monopoly on overpriced polo shirts.

-A health clinic servicing the porn industry was given a surprise state inspection. The inspector burst in with a video camera, a bass guitarist, and wearing nothing but rubber gloves and yelled, “Inspection time, Laaaaddddddiiiiiiieeeeeesss!”

-Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa raised two million dollars in private funds for the Lakers victory parade. He said the money would be used to pay for security, clean up crews, and cars for fans to turn over and burn.

E3 Gaming Convention

Dear Wii fan,

Nintendo has heard your cries for more mature, realistic games and we have listened! Here are just a few from our exciting new fall line up:

Ender’s Game Iraq

Soar over the skies of Baghdad controlling an unmanned predator drone. Looks so realistic but don’t worry, it’s not; we made our quota this month. Use the ultra sophisticated camera to zoom in on the ground below - Hey! What’s that guy doing with a goat? Post the video on YouTube to reduce virtual troop stress levels. 

Super Mario Plumbing

The Princess needs help! No, she hasn’t been kidnapped, but she has dropped too many kids off at the pool. Ready for Donkey Kong? It turns out he doesn’t just eat bananas. Better hurry, Toad had Indian food last night. Plunge your way to the end and face off with King Koopa Supa Poopa.

Rush Limbaugh’s Abu Ghraib-and-Go

Voiced by the freedom loving man himself, play as a high ranking official at Abu Ghraib prison. Get in touch with your inner Republican as you order troops to torture, and when the media catches wind, find a way to blame it on everyone but you and your civilian superiors. 

Long live Nintendo and it’s panel of gay console namers!

Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii,

Nintentendo

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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

- Security council to tighten sanctions on North Korea. Things to be cut include No Fro Hair Tonic, Khaki factory worker’s clothes, and sunglasses from the 1970s.

- Carrie Prejean was stripped of the Miss California title. She claims all her problems stem from answering no when asked about whether or not gay marriage should be legal. When a reporter asked, didn’t she think Miss USA’s thoughts and opinions should be in line with the majority of the country she represented she replied, “Ewwww! Not if they’re gay!”

- Octomom the musical is in the works. Broadway producers said it was a “no brainer.” They expect to sell out the first 6 months with just the namesakes offspring alone. Producers said the play takes place inside the Octomom’s womb. They are currently looking for a more spacious venue.

- Contestants in a French reality show have won the rights to be treated as full time employees. The TV studio, owned by a giant corporation, eventually gave in to their demands, immediately cutting their pay, making them attend productivity and synergy meetings, and then had them create S.M.A.R.T. goals. Later that night, they all voted themselves off.

- A study shows that emergency room visits for computer injuries increased 700% over the last 7 years. Experts say these accidents go third on the list of least manly injuries just barely being beat out by a black eye from a water balloon fight, and spraining your two inner fingers at a Star Trek convention.

- Digital TV is coming but many Americans are not ready. Many people are confused as to what is the difference between TV with or without the digital converter box they have to buy. Congressional representatives declined to comment but a digital converter box employee said it was the difference between his wife shopping at Target or 5th Avenue.

- Brett Micheals, lead singer of 80’s metal band Poison, was recently injured during a performance. Micheals was backing up and ran into something being lowered, which forced him to quit playing. When asked what hit him a technician said, “Reality.”

Shop till you drop

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Although we are not thanking you for congratulating us on, as you put it, “getting (expletive)er and (expletive)er with every visit,” we do appreciate it when a customer writes with their concerns. 

As you know, at Rite Aid we constantly strive for excellency so we take customer concerns very seriously. We contacted your local branch and the following list should address all of your concerns.

- Regarding Raybekah, she and her baby-daddy are currently experiencing relationship problems and because we don’t give employees time off we are allowing her to work it out via cell phone while she works the register.

- Our manager does not ride the short bus to work. It is not company policy to provide transportation to and from the work place. 

- Police reports from your area show a higher level of shop lifting among women. That is why our balding, single, middle aged, security guard follows them around the store.

- We apologize for the long waits created by having only one person working a register but please understand that sometimes our employees need free time to discuss football with one another right next to the line while you wait. 

Here are some ideas we are currently working on to help entertain customers while they stand in line:

Giant plasma screen TVs that constantly play our commercials. You know, the ones that talk about us having low prices, short waits, and great service.

Line Speed Dating: Looking for love? Maybe that lady behind you isn’t crazy after all. She’s not homeless! She just wanted her first house to be special.

Beer Taste Testing Class: Natural Light or Natural Light Ice? Which one goes better with the Macaroni and Cheese your buying. Now you’ll know.

We hope we have answered all of your questions and complaints. Once again, we appreciate your patronage and look forward to selling you a trash can missing a lid again sometime in the near future.

Long live Rite Aid and it’s devotion to the customer’s wallet!

Sincerely,

Rite Aid

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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update. 

While filming an action sequence in her new movie, Angelina Jolie was hit in the head by something and rushed to the hospital. The crew in the lot next door, filming a movie about the world's first female major league pitcher, starring Jennifer Aniston, had no comment.

GM, looking to start over after bankruptcy, has announced an all new line up of cars with the new flagship car an eco friendly vehicle that has massage chairs and an ejection seat for crashes. It’s called the “Stimulus-Bailout.”

The FDA formed an independent task force to figure out ways it can be more open with the public. The task force will be a broad coalition of industry professionals including peanut butter makers, tomato growers, Chinese dairy farmers, and hot dog venders from Times Square.

Republicans complained about the size, shape, and cost of the emerging Obama health care proposal. Republican leaders said, “We cannot saddle future generations with our debt. They’ll need that money to buy canes, crutches, and wheel chairs.”

Federal regulators have made sweeping changes to California waterways to help revive the dwindling salmon industry. Within the next several years they hope to have thousands of salmon mating in the drinking water. Regulators pointed to the past success of reducing cavities by adding fluoride and said, so to should childhood obesity rates drop, with the addition of fish protein. 

Miley Cyrus is set to design clothes for Walmart. When asked why she didn’t want to sell her clothes at a more upscale retailer she said she wanted the quality of her clothing line to match the quality of her music. The clothing line will be called, “Exploited.”

Team USA soccer is scheduled to play Honduras in a world cup qualifying match. In order to compete for viewership, networks not airing the game will run Egg Genie and Wonder Hanger infomercials along with reruns of Moesha.

Fall Preview

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Thank you for your delightful letter. We here at NBC appreciate your support through these hard times and share your belief that we will one day rise again to the number one spot. As a reward for your faith in us, here is a sneak preview at a few shows from our fall lineup:

- The Deadliest Catch: A reality show about plumbers.

- One Night Stand: A documentary about erotic antique furniture.

- The Y Files: A fresh, unique story about paranormal cases assigned to a special agent who believes, his female partner who’s not sure, and their wacky chimpanzee sidekick who punches people whenever he hears, “right turn, Clyde.”

- Dateline To Catch an IPOD User: Watch as NBC’s crack team of undercover public transportation commuters locate Americas latest scourge - Ipod users who subject you to their 50 cent sing along and the Darwin defiers who make hearing aid salesman salivate - surround them, and  while being cheered on by fellow passengers, beat them senseless.

Legs shaking? Sweaty palms? We know; us too!

Let it be known the peacock struts again!

Sincerely,

Highly Paid NBC Executives

P.S. Please don’t show this to anyone. We could get in big trouble.