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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

- Chinese scientists have succeeded in inducing cells from connective tissue in mice to revert back to their embryonic state which will allow it to become any organ. Many groups cheered the news: The disabled, amputees, and guys who zipped up their pants too fast.

- Secretary of State Clinton begin a three day tour of India where she’ll discuss security issues, a free trade agreement, and how to get her computer to run Windows vista.

- A man and woman with same first and last name who met online plan to marry. Although the two haven’t met face to face the man said he is just happy to have met someone he can share his life with. The woman said she is happy to have found someone that can except her sideburns.

- The senate voted to stop making more F-22 Raptor fighter jets. With a strained budget the Air Force is testing out these cheaper, less conventional ideas:

How healthy are you?

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

It’s time again for the annual federal Health & Wellness Survey. You will notice some changes this year as we have adjusted questions to better reflect current American lifestyles. 

1. Being sore after sex means:

A) you need to work out more often.

B) you should date someone shorter.

C) you didn’t admit you weren’t a gymnast. 

D) you have to send a get-well-soon card and promise not to go six months before the next time around.

2. Your stomach prevents you from seeing...

A) your genitals.

B) your toes.

C) the small animal nibbling away at your toes.

D) anyone of the opposite sex.

3. Having itchy genitals means:

A) You shouldn’t sit down on the locker room floor.

B) You forgot to wash off the pie crust.

C) Your underwear can only be turned inside-out so many times.

D) Stop falling asleep naked in the goat pen with peanut butter on your balls.

4. Jogging is good for:

A) spandex manufacturers.

B) people who weren’t born in shape like me.

C) someone who wants to get killed in the park.

D) people who need an excuse to wear band aids over their nipples.

5. How would you characterize your current weight?

A) Oprah is jealous.

B) I only look big in pictures.

C) They know me by name at Cinnabon.

D) I make extra money by selling billboard space on my ass.

6. A buffet is:

A) Not the best place to find a date.

B) A place found in the nightmares of an Olson twin. 

C) A good place for an actress to start preparing for her role in the Kirstie Alley bio.

D) An affordable alternative to sumo wrestling.

7. How many times a week do you eat breakfast?

A) Six to seven.

B) Almost never.

C) Seventeen.

8. How would you describe your stress levels?

A) Obama’s got nothing on me.

B) I don’t talk in my sleep, but I do gnash my pillow. 

C) I use an open vein as a super soaker.

D) I sooth myself by running my nails down a chalkboard.

9) How may times per week do you perform resistance or weight training?

A) Every time a hot chick is looking.

B) Can I change it to per year?

C) I date chicks from Weight Watchers.

D) Every time I get a new issue of Sensual Mamas.

10. Characterize your alcohol use.

A) I don’t partake in the demon sauce. 

B) Whenever she needs a little nudge off second base.

C) I occasionally wake up wondering where my pants are. 

D) My kids are named Sake, Martini, and Dry Vermouth.

11.How many times per week do you perform stretching and flexibility exercises?

A) I make a Cirque du Soleil performer look like a republican on gay marriage.

B) I tie my shoes daily.

C) It depends on how far away from my chair the cookie falls. 

D) I would lose a high-five contest with John McCain.

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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

L.A.’s safer city initiative makes it illegal to sleep, sit or store personal belongings on sidewalks and other places. A judge however, refused to criminalize camping out in front of movie theaters dressed like a jedi citing he could punish them no further than life already was.

Honduran leader Manuel Zelaya, who was ousted in his pajamas at bayonet point, has given his rival one week to step down. If his orders are not met, he will get very very angry, and give him just one more week to step down.

A teen not paying attention while walking and texting fell into a manhole. Here parents are suing the city for posting a sign and not warning passerbys by text.

A California bill is in the works to tax and regulate Marijuana which would raise more than $1.4 billion. Gov. Schwarzenegger says, “Our unemployment rate is really going to get “high” now!”

A Texas teenager became the youngest person to sail around the world. As he approached the dock, one of his astonished classmates was overheard saying, “Man, this puts to shame anything I’ve done to get a hand-job!”

An ode to fast food (and writers block)

Dear Mr. Jarvis:

Welcome to the diarrhea song of the month club. Here is your first installment:

Diarrhea, uh, uh, diarrhea, uh, uh!

When you try to squeeze one out while your date bites her cookie, 

but your pants start barkin like your smuggling a Wookie (insert Chewbacca noise).

Diarrhea, uh, uh, diarrhea, uh, uh!

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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly World News update.

Man gives up liberty, freedom, and hope in crown of statue of liberty by asking girlfriend to marry him.

Four accused of digging up bodies and reselling the graves. Judge sentences each to 30 years and assigns them to nightly picking up the soap detail.

Pope calls for forming new world economic order. World leaders agree taking financial advice from an 82 year old virgin in a pointy hat living in a castle is a bad idea.

In an effort to change it's image the Sci-fi channel has changed it's name to the Syfy channel. Its viewers followed suit and changed their name from geek to masturbation warriors.

As government reviews industry regulation AT&T states an unregulated wireless network is good for consumers. In other news: termites vote for houses to be all wood, mice concur cheese should be placed in safe, open containers, and bank robbers agree on universal 12345 vault code. 

YOU MUST READ THIS NOW!!!!!

You may not know this sender. Mark as safe|Mark as junk

Sent: Thu 7/02/09 1:33 PM

teabagger@aol.com; Keith olbermann obamaisjesus@yahoo.com; bill O’reilly republicansarentgay@yahoo.com; cory Jarvis (pleaserofnoladies@hotmail.com); tightshirtsmakemesexy@hotmail.com; hairlip@yahoo.com; roN jeremy frankencyack@yahoo.com; under.wear.smelly@verizon.net; wookielover@verizon.net; girls@gonewild.com; George Bush kegmaster@verizon.net; fatandfunky@verizon.net; Joe biden pimpinainteasy@verizon.net; Lickylikenstien@msn.com; J-lo@all-butts.com; thirdnipple@global.net; capt.crunch@aol.com; 50 cent 2quarters@earthlink.net; Ann coulter poopypants@yahoo.com; ojsimpson@guilty.com; butterbutt@aol.com

Sent: 7/2/2259 10:18:07 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time

Subj: THE SKY IS FALLING!!!

 

If this is true, it is way too important to overlook!!!!!!!!!!!

Obama is a Muslim!! A recent poll has shown that all muslims support 

> Obama (Even someone named BIN LADEN!!!). With so many muslims supporting him how 

>can we trust him? He also has a secret MUSLIM LOVER. Check the picture. How come the

> liberal press won’t show you it?! Pssss, (whisper) they're muslims too! 

> 

>The Government wants to destroy health care for senior citizens. Obama’s grandmother was a 

>senior citizen, she made him wait in lines, now he wants revenge! People in Europe, Canada, 

>and other countries I’ve never been to have to wait months to see a doctor. Why should you 

>have to wait in line so everyone can have health insurance?!

> 

> In England , anyone over 59 cannot receive heart repairs, stents or bypass because it is not 

>covered as being too expensive and not needed. That’s right, in England old people just die 

>everywhere, people step right over them in the street!

> 

> Looks like Obama is sure keeping his word .....Changes. Bad changes. Changes >we don’t 

>need, America. Just ask anyone who is independently wealthy or has never had a major illness

>THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH OUR HEALTH CARE!! 

> 

> 

> Besides, Americans don’t want socialized medical care (whatever that means!).

> Those commie bastards already have the post office and my recent issue of 

>Guns& Ammo was two days late. TWO DAYS LATE! Everyone at the assault rifle

>pot luck knew about the Death grip 220 and I didn’t. Can you imagine my embarrassment?!

> Don’t let this happen to health care!!!

> 

>  SAD!!!

>

> Please do not let Obama sign our death warrants! 

>  

> 

>Beware of the Y3K 41 virus. Once infected, if you open any e-mails, left click your 

>mouse, or sneeze it will erase your hard drive and kill a puppy!

> 

>My name is Didjabooty and my father is king of Zambiria. Recently he was kid- 

>napped by a band of forrest gnomes. They want 10 million dollars to release him. Please open 

>a bank account, send me $2000 and I will put 11 million in the account. Give 10 million to the 

>fairy at midnight and you can keep the rest!!!

> 

> 

> This is being sent anonymously by a hard working American who doesn’t work for 

> any industries that might be affected by what is written above. I’m just a person 

> who knows most Americans will believe everything as written and without doing 

> any research will regurgitate this to friends and family as fact.

> 

>Forward this to your ten closest friends or they will die of dysentery!

RSS Feed

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-Obama, seeking to reassure gays, tied their struggles with African Americans saying both our people have been hosed by men in police officers uniforms. As a symbolic gesture he opened a white house closet and three Republicans came out.

-Mississippi, named the fattest state, voted to become Misisipi to accommodate wheezing citizens.

-Walmart backs government health care plan. All employees will be issued new health insurance kit which contains an orange, a rectal thermometer, and a Magic 8 Ball.

-Sarah Palin bragged she could beat Obama in running. White House staff declined the challenge citing the race, which starts in the middle of Harlem at 3 AM, would favor Palin.

-E.Coli confirmed in Nestle Toll House cookies. Witnesses say they heard grunting from inside the fridge, and when they opened the door, a short, white, pants-less male fled the scene with a devilish grin, letting out a high pitched coo. Police have released this sketch of what the subject may look like:

The solution to the mortgage crises

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

We appreciate every citizen of this great country’s need to at some point own a home. We are one of the few home loan companies not affected by the current mortgage crises. This is due to our rigorous, yet simple test all applicants must fill out. If you answer no to all questions, you are welcome to come in and apply for a loan. If you answer yes to any of the following questions, then by all means, please do get the F%@k out!

1. Does your job require you to know the difference between a tall, venti, and a grande? If yes, get the F%@k out.

2. Does your job require you to wear a name tag? If yes, get the F%@k out.

3. You live in L.A. Do you have a head-shot? If yes, get the F%@k out.

4. Does your job require you to spend long hours on your cellphone arguing with your significant other while giving me the “I don’t think so hand sign” when I ask you where the batteries are? If yes, get the F%@k out.

5. Does your checking account have more zeros than an MC Hammer concert? If yes, get the F%@k out.

6. When speaking with friends, do you substitute their names with the word “Yo?” If yes, get the F%@k out. 

7. Do you have no legitimate children to speak of but refer to everyone as “son?” If yes, get the F%@k out.

We thank you for your interest.

Bending over Fannie and Freddy, and making Countrywide our bitch,

N.B.S. Home Loans