Pending Publication....maybe....I hope...again.

Check back soon.

Looking for love in all the wrong...

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

As requested, here is a look at your local competition - the two guys with the most hits in your neighborhood.

Sincerely,

Yapoo Online Dating

24 Hour News

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here are the transcripts you requested from the GNN news report. Thank you for watching.

Bob Sheckle: We interrupt your weather report to bring you this breaking news. Golfer Tiger Woods has been in a car accident. Let's go live to the scene with our Eye in the Sky reporter, Jerry Jerkovsky.

Jerry: As you can see Bob, we’re flying over Tiger Woods’ house. This is where he stays when he's not getting into car accidents and being treated at hospitals that don't allow in our reporters. As you can see, there in that window is Tiger Woods’ father taking a dump. He probably has no idea his son’s in the hospital yet and is apparently unaware we're filming him. He's been in there 30 minutes, definitely not getting enough fiber in his diet (zooms in).

Bob: Nor has he been chewing his food. Yikes! Thanks, Jerry. We have yet to confirm any injuries but if Tiger Woods does get injured, what will happen? We turn to our panel of experts. As car injury specialists, what can Tiger Woods take away from this experience?

Crash Test Dummies: No idea, Bob. But we do know that he could learn a lot from a dummy.

Bob: Thank you. Lets go to our arm injury specialist, live via satellite, Helmut

Von Spankem. What kind of potential problems could Woods run into if his arms were hurt?

Helmut: Well, if both his arms are hurt, and let's say a political leader rides populist rage and public discontent to become the countries ruthless autocratic dictator, then Tiger Woods would have a hard time properly saluting him. Of that I’m sure. But, if just one arm is hurt, research shows he'll experience problems putting jam on his toast and have trouble waving to friends while climbing trees.

Bob: Thank you, Helmut. Now we turn to our celebrity expert, Jennifer Lopez. Jennifer, what can Tiger expect if he injures either butt cheek?

Jennifer: Because he's such a great golfer and has real talent, Bob, hurting his ass really wont hurt him at all. I think myself and Kim Kardashian are the only two people in the world who could have career ending butt injuries. Oh, and maybe Rush Limbaugh because, he is himself, a complete asshole.

Bob: Well, Jennifer, I think I'm speaking for everyone who's ever micro-waved a cantaloupe and gored a hole in it while thinking of you when I say I hope that never happens. Coming up in the next hour: we have exclusive interviews with a homeless guy, a cat, and two blind guys who witnessed Tiger Woods accident. Stay tuned...

Prince's "Your Kiss" revised

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Dear Readers of Letters From People,

Until further notice, the weekly jokes you usually see here are now being sent to an iphone app called "This Just In." If you have a smart phone, download it and check out the jokes. It's filled with hilarious jokes delivered to you by top writers who contribute to Conan, Letterman, Kimmel, SNL, the Daily Show, and the New Yorker, as well as cartoonists who draw for the top papers and alternative weeklies.

Cory will however, continue to post various things of a funny nature on a weekly basis so keep checking back.

Be careful what you wish for...

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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

- Senator John Kerry said the Afghan surge proposal goes too far, too fast. He said inserting enlarged troops to surge too early could force a premature evacuation. He added that Afghanistan is not one of those, “wham, bamm, thank you, Islam, kinda countries.”

- After research showed they don’t work, Disney’s offering refunds for Baby Einstein Videos. This is a brilliant strategy. No receipt, required. We’ll give you your money back in full; just bring the video in and admit your kid’s an idiot.

They still plan to sell the videos, they’ve just repackaged them to say, “Make Your Baby Make Other Babies Look Like an Einstein.”

- Michelle Obama and Mrs. Jill Biden attended game one of the World Series. They helped throw out the first pitch and Mrs. Biden gave a speech. Mrs. Biden Delivered a speech instead of her husband who was replaced due to the teams not wanting to start three hours late.

- A woman is accused of offering sex for World Series tickets on craigslist. The ad said for tickets she’d not only let you play on her field, she’d let you score a homerun. It’s good the police are focusing on these crimes. God knows we don’t want anyone scoring before the game starts.

- Mel Gibson’s girlfriend gave birth to a baby and released the following photo to the press:

Pending Publication....maybe....I hope...again.

Sorry, really. Will post as soon as I know if it's being published or not.

RSS Feed

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-Oprah is going to have Sarah Palin on her show. She has been doing all she can to prepare. She’s been reading Palin’s new book, memorizing questions, and receiving enough botox to conceal any hint of disgust.

- Madonna’s New york neighbor is suing her over noise. Madonna said she was sorry but the Kabbalah diet calls for a lot of fiber.

- A Louisiana court justice refused to marry an interracial couple. When delivering the rejection the judge was flanked by two beat boxers and said:

Yo, yo, as I strike my gavel,

your plans unravel,

Now let me see,

who set this black man free?!

Bailiff, what did you say,

our president is - no way!

Black and white, that can’t be,

I’ve gotta get cable TV.

You two wanna have a kid?!

No way, uh uh, that’s not how it goes,

can’t have another Barack,

this case I do close!

Yeaaaahhhhhhhhh!

- Lifetime is pulling the balloon boy’s family’s “Wife Swap” episode from the schedule. New balloon boy themed shows that might possibly replace it are:

• Kate+Eight go to archery practice with guest star Jon the new Balloon Boy: Watch as Kate lets daddy get to just the right altitude before showing the kids how to loose the ‘thunder and rain.’ “No sweety, not at the balloon, aim a little lower.”
• Balloon Girl Paris Hilton the Storm Chaser: Faced with a faltering career, Paris Hilton agrees to let producers send her via balloon into the heart of tornadoes. Live or die, this is good TV.
• Night Rider starring Kit the Balloon: “Michael, perhaps you don’t need that 11th martini.”
• 24: Jack Bauer has 24 hours to put off eating, sleeping, and pooping while he tries to stop a nuclear balloon.

- Microsoft is very happy with it’s newest operating system. They have had it tested and Windows 7 raises the security bar, experts say.

The New Magic 8 Ball: Reality Version

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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

- A 1st grader brought a multi-tool fork/knife/spoon to show off at school and was suspended for 45 days. You can’t be too strict with these kids these days, the school has a zero tolerance policy, especially after last years Twinkie extortion ring.

- A fugitive was busted after making a cop his friend on Facebook. The fugitive had no idea he was an officer when he poked him. After putting him in jail the officer said now he’ll get all the pokes he needs.

-Ten months into his presidency Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace prize. He shared the stage with a 6 year old boy awarded for finding the cure to cancer 26 years from now. People have started questioning the legitimacy of the committee ever since they made Myspace pages and listed Tila Tequila, Dane Cook, and Tom as their top friends.

- Jon Gosselin of “Jon and Kate plus 8” has been ordered to return $180,000 dollars to Kate. Jon said he understood the kids need new clothes but then pleaded, “Do have any idea how much a date costs in LA?”

- The group of businessmen trying to buy the Rams dropped Rush Limbaugh as a partner. They had problems with his trying to save money in the contract by stipulating that all black players be transported game to game by boat in shackles. He said it was an ongoing effort by the left to destroy conservatism. By left he means everyone who hates him and by conservatism he means old crabby guys with lame radio shows.

- On the eve of the vote for health care reform, the insurance industry released a study saying that the proposed bill will wind up costing more than advertised.

The study showed that keeping all Americans healthy and happy was going to cost almost as much as the insurance industry spent on the study.

They said the bill had striking similarities to one of their insurance plans. They tell you how much it’ll cost, then when you use it, it costs more.

They used a simple formula to come up with the results: Credible science guy + facts = true results ÷ new summer house for formerly credible science guy = new facts.

Pending Publication....maybe....I hope.

Coming soon...

RSS Feed

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly “Global News” update.

- The Dalai Lama chastised the US for not doing enough to close the gap between the rich and the poor. He said having too many people walking around in robes without shoes would ruin his look.

The Dalai Lama’s a jobless, shoeless guy, walking around in robes and not running Playboy, yet he’s giving wealth creation advice. That’s like David Letterman giving Bill Clinton sexual harassment training.

- An Ohio court ordered ordered a statewide halt to executions after the last lethal injection was botched. A panel of experts is evaluating new, more effective lethal methods to kill dangerous murderers including: The Republican health care plan, visits from Michael Jackson’s physician, and a 24 hour marathon of watching Dancing with the Stars.

- Levi Johnston, Sarah Palin’s grandbaby daddy, has shown up in a new ad for “Wonderful Pistachios”. It’s part of their marketing campaign to hit the untapped potential of the white trash market. They are seeking that lucrative trailer-park dollar.

- Ever the busy man, Levi has agreed to pose for playgirl magazine. Playgirl offered him a deal he couldn’t refuse: We’ll give you your 16th minute, you show us 3 inches.

His good friend Kanye told him he should do it and he trusts his good judgment.

He also signed with NBC to make a reality show about the experience. It’s going to be called “The Biggest Loser.”

Apparently, Sarah Palin is a decent photographer, she said she would jump at the chance to shoot him.

Sarah Palin pre-ordered 10,000 copies of the magazine. Moose season is coming and she said she needs to work on her aim by shooting at something small.

The US government is buying the rights to Levi’s pictures for it’s upcoming abstinence campaign.

The photo shoot will be titled: Alaska, where it snows so much, even the trash is white.

A Conversation with Me

Will be back....

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Dear Cory,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

- Matt LeBlanc - Joey from “Friends” - will be starring in a new sitcom. Resisting network execs calls to stick with the same old formula that works, he’s doing things different this time. He’ll star as an out of work musician named Bobby, who’s living in Chicago upstairs from his 3 best friends. The show will be called “Acquaintances”.

- Obama says he is going to make it increasingly difficult for Iranian companies to ship goods around the world. Fearing a shortage of Iran’s most popular exports, before sanctions take place, International companies are rushing to stock up on as many rocks, hate, and, Ahmadinejad bobble heads as possible.

- European Union will set lower default listening levels for MP3 players encouraging users to not listen to music at levels that could hurt them. God is said to be pretty angry about having to find another way to weed out these morons.

- Senate Republicans rejected a pair of public option proposals. They said a public option would hurt insurance companies, which in turn would hurt their campaign financing, which would cause them to lose their re-election, which would finally lead them to not having health insurance.

- A Texas judge cleared the way for gay couples to divorce. Alimony is to be paid by the spouse with the least amount of Barbara Striesand CD’s.

- Democratic congressman Alan Grayson accused Republicans of having only one health care plan: Get sick, and die quickly. Outraged republicans immeadiatly called for an apology and corrected what they said was a misquote. What they actually said was: Get sick, and if you’re a democrat, die quickly. Kanye West burst onto the floor, grabbed the mic, and said, “Joe Wilson’s You-Lie comment was better.”

- US researchers say recessions may actually be good for your health. Turns out that along with your internal organs, Cup ‘O Noodles kills cancer too.

Answering Machine Messages Inc.

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here are the custom made answering machine greetings you requested. Please share them with your friends and family and don't hesitate to let us know when you need more.

Sincerely,

Answering Machine Messages Inc.

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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News Update.

- Signs of water have have been found on the moon, proving there had been some tampering with the original moon landing audio. What Buzz Aldrin really said was, “This is one small step for man, one giant LEAK for mankind....whew, that Tang goes right through me.”

- Microsoft unveiled it’s new super-secret electronic tablet, the X-PENsive. Their slogan is: And you thought chicks wouldn’t do you before!

- New census data shows 76% of Americans, even if they divorce, only marry once. The other 24% have at one time or another, been married to Larry King.

- An ear infection hospitalized David Hasselhoff, not alcohol. Hasselhoff’s representitives said consumption of alcohol had nothing to do with his hospitalization. It was the beer that dripped into his ear while doing a keg stand that got him.

- LA city council voted to limit residents to one rooster per household. Andy Dick cried fowl claiming it wasn’t the government’s place to tell him how many cocks he could have at one time.

- Mackenzie Phillips, former childhood actress and daughter of musician John Phillips of the 60’s band “The Mamas and the Papas” has put out a book detailing her incestuous relationship with her father. The book debuted right under “How to Listen in on your Parents doing It” on the “BOOKS I’D POKE MY EYE’S OUT BEFORE READING” list.

From Random Penguin Publishing

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Don’t let those end-of-summer blues get you down. Random Penguin Publishing house is having our annual “End of Summer” blowout sale. Check out some of our most popular selections.

Yes Woman

Inspired by the book “Yes Man”, a woman decides to say, “yes” to anything she is asked to do. Various chapters include farm animals, a Turkish bathhouse, and the author, another girl, and a cup. The book ends abruptly when she visits a dorm for Sumo wrestlers.

Hard-Core Gaming for Dummies

Wow! You must be a F#%king Dummy. Why else would you buy this book?

Up, up, down, down, A, B, A, B, masturbate, dummy. Welcome to the world of hardcore gaming! Pop tarts, Klingon Warrior T-shirts, and chaffed foreskin - yes, learn how to eat, dress, and feel just like a hard core gamer. No man boobs required. Comes with a free 8 oz. jar of vaseline.

How to Look Gay Even Though You’re Not

You don’t have to be gay to be tough, you just have to look that way. All the bad-ass without the sore ass. Learn secrets from the experts like putting on chap-stick while staring at another man, using the middle urinal so the next person has to stand next to you, and having esoteric philosophical debates with the dudes while standing naked in the locker room. Comes with secret website password for www.tightt-shirtlocater.com.

Stuff White People Like to Write About Other White People

Let’s face it, white people are so crazy. One thing white people like is to write books making fun of other white people. And then white people love to buy it and say, “That’s so true, I really do love sushi!”

Hitler had Diarrhea

From the best-selling author of “Tom Cruise has Itchy Balls: Demystifying Celebrity Mystique”, comes this new fact-filled tome sure to surprise even the most informed experts.

Did you know:

Dracula was a vegetarian. That’s right, he only drank hippy blood.

Frankenstein won’t tell you what part his master forgot to put on.

Attila the Hun was a good father.

Godzilla only gets angry when people mispronounce his name.

Martha Stewart can’t eat children’s limbs without ketchup.

Tuesdays with Morrie’s Wife

From the best-selling author of three books almost exactly like this one. Morrie’s gone. But Mrs. Morrie’s still around and she could use a friend. A gooood friend. Now it’s play time. Oh yeah, don’t worry, Morrie, I’ll watch over her.

Rich Dad Porn Dad

So you were wondering how daddy got all his money, huh? Johnny’s parents are out and it turns out his dad has an interesting video collection. “The Hammer 5”, sure I’ll watch...hey that pizza delivery guy looks a lot like, wait a minute, that’s my...Rich Dad Porn Dad

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Dear Mr. Jarvis,
Here is your weekly Global News update.

-New York City officials want to ban smoking in city’s parks. Health Commissioner, Thomas Farley, said Monday that no parent should have to breath smoke on the sidelines of their kid’s game while they’re yelling at the ref or beating another parent senseless.

-The house voted of disapproval on Rep. Joe Wilson for yelling, “You Lie!” during a presidential address. His punishment will consist of a romantic dinner with Nancy Pelosi, bed time stories with Joe Biden, and serving beers to President Obama and the next black guy who gets arrested.

-The Iraqi shoe-thrower claims he suffered torture in jail. He said they locked him up alone in a room full of shoes with an impossible-to-hit, fast moving target of George W. Bush.

-Paleontologists said they discovered a scaled down version of Tyrannosaurus Rex which calls into question recent theories on T-rex evolution. They said they could do nothing more to confirm their theories until they had John McCain look at it.

-Obama wants to junk Bush’s European Missile defense plan. Bush said Obama was getting soft, and Obama said if you saw Bush’s missile, you’d get soft too.

-Doctors implanted a tooth in a woman’s eye to help her see again. She said, day by day, her vision was improving and nothing could stand in her way of seeing again, except fo the tooth in her eye.

-Hollywood is abuzz as Harrison Ford, 67, said he is ready to make the fifth “Indiana Jones”. The Movie will have a surprise cameo from John McCain playing Indies younger brother. This will be the first Indiana Jones with no night scenes due to Ford’s contract stipulating a strict 6:30PM bedtime. The studio exec’s promise bigger explosions and more suspense culminating in a scene where Indie hides in a fridge and, during a nuclear explosion, jumps a shark.

A Brief History of People who have yelled, "You Lie!"

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Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly global news update.

- Kraft is said to be in talks to finance an 8 billion dollar bid for Cadbury Chocolates. The Kraft CEO said 8 billion was nothing to finally find out what the hell they’re putting inside of those eggs.

- Ellen DeGeneres is set to become the next American Idol judge. Some fans were displeased, saying they wanted someone with musical talent. Ellen said she totally understands, she felt the same way when they hired Paula Abdul.

- Women’s Health magazine has revealed Michelle Obama’s secret for sculpting sleek arms. It turns out, it’s not easy being the hands that cover Joe Biden’s mouth.

- “The Beatles: Rock Band” video game drew crowds of shoppers. Buyers said the game changed and empowered them. Before buying it they had no musical talent and now they’re Guitar Heroes. And instead of being lonely, they now call themselves masturbation warriors.

- First lady Michelle Obama promises to be commencement speaker at George Washington University if the community completes 100,000 hours of community service. Her speech will begin with, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, you reached 100,000 hours of community service! The bad news: with this job market, you’re probably going to be doing a hundred thousand more.

List of Volunteer opportunities already popping up:

-Carve “Levi” into Sarah Palin’s bullets.

-Hold back Nancy Pelosi’s face until the botox arrives.

-Ride the bicycle connected to Dick Cheney’s heart.

-Change John McCain’s diapers on burrito night.

Roommates

Dear Cory,

Look, I remember the verbal agreement we made that night you came into the kitchen and turned on the light. Haven’t forgotten it. No, sir. But here’s the deal. I’ve had a few kids. And by “a few”, I mean a thousand - don’t hate the player. And, well, they gotta eat, so why’d you freak out like that?

Now I’ll admit bringing out the whole family like that was a little much. But it was Saturday night. You know, or at least I thought you did, that’s when I take the whole family out for a meal. Not trying to pour salt in any wounds, but I mean, what were you doing home so early?

Besides, how could you leave those pizza boxes wide open if you didn’t want us snacking on them?! And those tasty bread crumbs under the toaster? You were begging us to eat them!

I just can’t believe you freaked out and set those traps. You sprayed little Johnny! Sure, he was a bit impetuous, but so full of youth and promise. Now he just runs in circles, licking his antenna.

How about throwing away the traps and wiping up some of that poison that’s souring up the fruit rinds my wife ate. For two weeks, she thought she was a ladybug.

I’ll tell you what, Cory, let’s make an oath to each other. You do your best to stay out all night, and I’ll keep the numbers down. I won’t even sweat you flushing a few of the kids down the toilet from time to time. Can always make more, right?!

Long live weak, generic trash bags, and thirty-something year old lazy, single guys!

Yours truly,

C. Roacha

RSS Feed

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-The government unveiled its new secret weapon against swine flu: Elmo. Great, a little, furry red monster who hangs out with a guy in a garbage can is going to teach kids to be clean. This is going to go over as well as the "Marriage is between a Man and Woman" campaign with Bert and Ernie.

-The FAA ruled that Southwest Airlines can continue to fly despite using unauthorized parts. Earlier in the year, the airline was allowed to continue flying and only fined, when a one foot hole opened in the fuselage, for using, as Southwest called it, “an unauthorized speedometer”.

-Big things are happening at Disney; they bought the rights to Marvel’s characters. A lot of deals being made. Some happier than others. Prince Charming said, “There goes The Magic Kingdom!” Minnie’s excited about Mickey’s new plastic-man ability, and Wolverine’s contract stipulates that he gets to wake Sleeping Beauty three times a week.

-A man jumped from a carnival cruise ship after having an argument with a woman. She told him she wouldn’t sleep with him if he were the last man on the boat. He said, “How about the only man in the water?”

Required Reading

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

As requested, here are the most popular books being read by high school students after the required reading list was dropped.

Students can now picks the books they read. What they’re reading and where:

-In the Men’s Locker Room

Small is the New Big

Megan Fox’s Vaseline Tips

The Catcher in the Guy

- In the Women’s Locker Room

Hot, Flat, and Crowded

Brave New Curls

-In the Cafeteria

The Great Gassy

Lord of the Fries

Charlottes Web 2: Tasty Bacon

-Under the Bleachers

Farenheit 4:20

Where the Wild Weeds Are

-PE Class

Romeo & Julie Sweat

A Tale of Two Sissies

-In the Classroom

The Seven Highly Effective Habits of Spitballs

The Game: Teacher Addition

The Grades of Wrath

-In Wood-shop

A Farewell to Arms

RSS Feed

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

- There are hints of oligopoly as the 3 major beer companies are raising their prices at the same time. Budweiser said it would’ve done it alone but it knew that fat friend, big Government, would get in the way, so it called in wing-men Coors and Miller while it tried to screw the hot consumer.

- Energy officials are worried that natural gas tanks are reaching their storage capacity. Almost all tanks are at maximum. Even after spewing out natural gas all day, our reserve tank, Rush Limbaugh, is reported to be at capacity.

- CEO of Whole Foods, John Mackey, is in hot water. He wrote an article harshly criticizing Obama’s health care plan. He said Americans can’t afford to pay for everyone’s health insurance especially when they have to buy Whole Food’s 8 dollar rice crispy treats.

- The widow of a man buried face down above Marilyn Monroe is moving him sideways, over the grave that’ll eventually hold Hugh Heffner, to sell his spot to pay for her mortgage. Marilyn can roll over in her grave any way she wants, doesn’t matter, she’s getting screwed.

- A mother of two is going to be caned for drinking a beer which is illegal for Malaysian Muslims to do. She said if she had known she was going to take a hit for it, she would have ordered something better than a bud light.

- Computer scientists say one in five people looking on-line for Jessica Biel pictures will get a virus, thus making her the digital equivalent of Lindsay Lohan.

Uncle Sam is Stimulating Everyone

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your monthly newsletter from the US Office of Accountability.

What 3,900 prisoners who were accidentally sent stimulus checks are buying:

• 3900 copies of The Shawshank Redemption
• 500 harmonicas and 3400 sets of earplugs
• 3500 soap on a ropes and 400 posters of Lance Bass
• Snuggies and fuzzy handcuffs
• A copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People with a Homemade Shiv”
• A Karaoke machine playing only Johnny Cash songs
• Combination Locked Underwear
  

RSS Feed

Dear Mr. Jarvis,

Here is your weekly Global News update.

-A judge ruled that Paris Hilton doesn’t have to pay back $8 million to a studio after her movie flopped. It wasn’t that she wasn’t guilty, said the judge, “but in order to make a fair decision, I’d have to go back and watch the entire movie, and I’m just not willing to do that.

-Colleges have been advised to isolate students with swine flu. Most schools have found that, through natural selection, students in the math and science departments have already been isolated.

-A woman pregnant with a record breaking twelve babies was exposed as a fraud. This was good news for the Octomom who was able to free up some time in her schedule by canceling her date with those thirteen guys. And right now there is a relieved guy asking god, “Do I really have to go to church for the next twelve years?

-Former Speaker of the House, Tom Delay, who was ousted from congress for a lobbying scandal, will be on Dancing with the Stars. In congress his nickname was The Hammer. After dancing the Lambada with him his partner changed his nickname to the toothpick.

-A man legally carried an assault rifle to an Obama protest. When asked about the legality of the gun the man said the constitution was there to ban things that hurt people like underage drinking, public nudity, and noisy ice-cream trucks, not assault rifles.

-Joe Jonas of the teen band The Jonas Brothers will temporarily fill Paula Abdul’s spot on American Idol. Simon Cowl said they’d have to be weeding out a lot of bad music and besides Paula Abdul, who knows bad music better than a Jonas Brother?

-Heeding the calls for more flexibility the SAT now gives students the option of choosing which scores they send to college. The makers of the test said it now better reflected the realities of college because these kids are going to be doing some heavy drinking, late night partying, and won’t always want be proud to show off a score.